Letting the Flame Lie Low

I have not posted a blog post in just over a month, and I have really struggled with that fact. Whenever I've thought about my blog I've had feelings of guilt, stress and worry. Comforting myself took me back to one of my core values: letting things go and rolling with what my soul wants to do.

So let me explain. Following creative ideas like blogging, taking photos, painting, e.t.c and sharing them (via social media or in person) usually takes a lot of bravery, as I've been reading about in Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear (buy on Amazon here).

Questions come up, like 'will I be good enough?', 'will people think I'm rubbish?' but the question I want to focus on here is the following:

Will I be able to keep it up? Or will I be seen as a flake or failure?

So this worry is a barrier I've faced since I can remember. Worries that I'll start up something new, enjoy it and share it, then promptly lose interest and move onto something else. As if there is something wrong with that. Rationally, it doesn't seem like there is, but I want to explore it more.

I think it comes from core beliefs about identity. The belief goes as follows: successful creative people have one main interest. You don't see famous ballet dancers flitting between interests, after all. They are consistent: being this way helps them to improve, be known and be enjoyed.

However, these ideas can be damaging. We try to find something we are 'good at', or we might not see our creative outlets as valid. We might stop them, pursuing other things instead: recognition, success and perhaps money. We lose sight of what creativity is and our innate abilities to be creative.

And this is what my inner critic thrives on, like a parasite. If people start to associate me with my blog, why would I stop writing blog posts? Even if the inspiration is not there, my critical self wants me to be slaving away, churning out posts, even if it just doesn't sit right with my inner soul. I think this image is a great description of this process of forced creativity (from here):

The beauty of creativity comes from the fact that it is not forced. We leave space open for it, but it is hard to 'capture'. I leave thinking time for blog posts quite often - space for an idea to come to me. They come organically, as this one did, and not in a conveyor-belt fashion. Perhaps this is why painters produce their paintings over years, rather than the daily style of some blog sites. 

In the top image, I drew a little mind-map, showing how creativity is a part of my core self. My expression of myself and the way I get that 'fire' inside, is by following creative hobbies. On the list, there are many things I enjoy, such as (but not limited to):

• Playing musical instruments.
• Sewing
• Crocheting
• Creative writing
• Drawing
• Painting
• Photography

I flit between these 'outlets' as frequently as my soul wishes. I will not stay bound to one when another one is calling. At the moment I have sewing and crochet projects on the go which I am enjoying, while photography is once again calling to me after a couple of years. 

It takes courage to allow one creative outlet to lie low, as in the title of this blog post 'letting the flame lie low'. It doesn't mean that the fire is extinguished, never to be pursued again. It merely means the flame is alive, moving. To keep the flame alive is to allow it to move, and to let it lie low with certain outlets. 

To remind yourself of this frequently, through the inner critic's jibes, is to allow yourself to be creative. And through this blogging medium I urge you to do this and keep your soul alive. If this becomes easier by sharing your work less frequently, so be it. Keep yourself glowing.

Transformation Cannot Be a Checklist

This post came fairly naturally. After a month of lots of deadlines I wanted to write up a new post. So.. the topic is trauma processing, recovery and checklists. It's becoming quite common to find yourself at a low point, bogged down by past experiences. So how is it best to get going and maintain a good recovery and way of life?

For myself, any change coming up is often accompanied by a mental checklist. I'm going on a trip. I need these things. I'm cooking a meal. I need these things. I'm grieving a loss. I will go through these things and will need these things. I think this is fairly common.

Now imagine you've started a life transformation. You ask around for advice, or go on the internet, and you're told 'it's a process'. Transformation is a process, in that it takes time and there are many stages. It might be tempting to look at it as a list, or look at your issues as a list. For example:

• Sort out sleeping pattern.
• Stop smoking.
• Go to the gym. 
• Eat healthily.
• Talk about my problems.
• Get over x, y and z trauma.
• Be left with a 'clearer' life. 

This is a great way to see where you're at. However, in looking at it as a way to guide your process, there could be some problems:

1. Can feel never ending.
   Having a long list of tasks in front of you can be overwhelming. The truth is, we are growing constantly through our lives, making mistakes and trying to make the right decisions. Sometimes that means making the wrong ones.
   
   This means that even if you make a list and get through it, more can always be added. That feeling of completion you are striving for will never be reached.
   .
2. Lack of recognition for other achievements.
   Like a dog chasing a bone on a stick, you will miss the little achievements you're making if you're constantly looking forward for the next one. Transformation requires recognising all the steps you're making, even the tiny ones.
   .
3. Makes it about control.
   Releasing past experiences and traumas and their effects on your daily life is about letting go of control. It's about accepting all the emotions that come with kindness and toleration. Sometimes a list can create impatience, and if your recovery goes 'off track' it can leave you feeling very lost.
   
   As humans we crave for the world and our experiences to make sense. In recovery you will come across lots of unexpected bumps and hurdles - unexpected emotions or experiences. Having a mental (or physical) list often does not allow for these, which is what's needed.

That is not to say that lists can't be helpful. They are great starting points, and good for showing you where you're at. This is why workbooks, such as CBT books, often use tables where you write your current thoughts down, and where you want to get to. 

However, the general message is that letting go of your list as needed is very important. Notice when you're feeling like you're 'off track' from your list, and be accepting of that. Because true transformation is about accepting yourself unconditionally, whether you're on track or not.

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The Myth of Laziness

Have you ever heard someone judgementally label someone as 'lazy'? It's a label often applied to young people, especially 'lazy students' who are only in uni a few hours a week. Personally I believe that these sweeping judgements are ill-informed, assuming and most of the time, completely false!

With the help of this article in Psychology Today, I'm going to unravel the term 'lazy' and look at exactly why we feel the need to procrastinate, and how we can help ourselves more. So what is laziness, according to the dictionary? A search on Google showed laziness as: 

"The quality of being unwilling to work or use energy"

Ok, so yes lots of young people and older people ARE unwilling to work or use energy sometimes, or a lot of the time. So according to the definition, yes, they are lazy. But when we're looking at why someone with Parkinson's Disease can't do up fiddly buttons, we focus on the cause, or root. Not the inability. So this is what I'm interested in with laziness. Why are we "unwilling"?

When we need to do something, all we need to start is some motivation. However, I believe that when people are lazy or procrastinate, this motivation is not there, or it's interfered with. So what can interfere with this motivation?

• Lacking interest in whatever we're trying to do.
  It's not our fault if we're not interested in the project. But if we're not interested, we're not exactly going to be excited about its completion, and when we're not excited we're not motivated. 
• Lack of self confidence.
  Sometimes we grow up to have a limited view of what we can do. It might be because we've always been told that we can't do things (by friends, family or even the media), and that message 'I wouldn't be able to do that' is a negative automatic thought circling in our mind. 
• Fear of failing.
  It's really common to be afraid of starting something in case it doesn't go to plan and you end up failing. Even if you complete the project successfully, that self doubt in your mind can still come back to haunt you in later projects - it is not quietened by success. 
• Fear of rejection.
  You might also be worried that the person you're completing the project for will not be pleased with the outcome of your hard work. This is usually due to a need for appraisal from others - that person's opinion will likely hold a very high value for you - higher than your own.

These are only four reasons why someone might be lacking motivation - there are plenty more! So with all these, I think it's pretty clear that it's less simple than a 'she's lazy' label. So here I redefine laziness:

A state of being frozen and unable to complete essential tasks due to mental blocks often undetectable to the outside world.

So how can laziness be tackled?

1. Break it down.
   .
   I put in this second image because it is a perfect illustration of the value of little steps. Starting something you need to do is a lot easier when you focus on little things. Breaking down an essay into researching, drafting, final drafting, e.t.c. makes it seem more manageable than thinking about what you'll have as the end product.
   .
2. Catch negative automatic thoughts.
   .
   Often these thoughts go unnoticed. 'I'll never do it', 'I'm such an idiot', 'why did I do that?' etc, slip through our full consciousness and go partially undetected. But they do damage and change our behaviour, putting more and more limitations on what we do and don't do.
   .
   Get a journal and write down every time you have a negative thought. Write down the situation in one column, your thought in another and your feelings in another. The more aware you are the more you can refute them and think about the truth. You are not stupid, for example.
   .
3. Believe in yourself.
   .
   Print out a list of affirmations. Cut them up and stick them on your mirror, fold them up and put them in a box, put them wherever you find best to store them, then read one aloud every day. Think about it throughout the door. This link has a lot of great affirmations, and you can write your own - I did a post about this a while ago (link here). 

See how you get on and let me know any thoughts/feedback :)

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When Apathy Takes Hold: 6 Tips

You get out of bed. Thoughts about the day ahead fail to cause a single emotion in your body. The hunger in your belly prompts you to get out of bed, and as you pour milk onto your cereal, you glance out of the window at the sky and the trees and wonder why you're feeling so... apathetic.

As defined on this website, apathy is:

"the absence of caring. It's a lack of desire to engage in activities, make changes, or find crave anything positive."

Apathy can strike at any time, without warning, or can build up gradually over time. So what causes it?

• Emotional fatigue.
  If you have been under high, consistent stress for a long time, your emotional system can start to feel worn out or burnt out. As muscles get tired, emotions can go numb. 
• Lack of enjoyment.
  If you haven't gone out and had fun for a while, or if your thoughts when out have been clouded by anxieties and stresses, this can build up into apathy. 
• Low serotonin.
  It's difficult to say whether or not apathy causes low serotonin or whether low serotonin is the cause, but often when we're apathetic our serotonin is off-balance. 

Sound like you? Luckily there's a few ways you can improve things and get yourself feeling again. 

1. Spend time with friends.
   .
   Having a strong support network is really important with apathy. When you feel apathetic you can feel stressed about having apathy itself. It can make you panic - when will you feel normal again? In moments of panic it's important to have people around you.
   .
   Being with friends can also help you to ground yourself. Doing things you like with them can bring you back to yourself and remind yourself of the things you do enjoy, even if they're not so enjoyable right now.
   .
2. Look at your other symptoms.
   .
   Are you well generally? Ask yourself questions - are you sleeping well? Are you eating well? Have you put on or lost a lot of weight recently? You may be suffering with depression or anxiety, or even malnutrition. These things can be helped with a visit to the GP or a counsellor.
   .
3. Do things!
   .
   When struck by apathy it can be easy to lose days or weeks to this feeling of non-feeling. Get yourself out of bed, eat, have a shower, watch a TV programme, do your food shopping. Anything which gets you out of the house and having some structure can help you to at least feel more human again.
   .
4. Keep a journal..
   Even if it says 'I'm still in this fog' for days on end, some feelings might come about and you might get somewhere towards the root of your problem. It also helps with structure. Journalling is often the first thing to go when I feel a bit apathetic, but it helps so much!
   .
5. Exercise.
   .
   Though I wouldn't condone going to the gym for hours and hours, a walk or a dance in your room can help give your neurotransmitters (like serotonin) a boost. It can also be a good distraction if you're suffering with depression, anxiety or acting out through other mental health problems.
   .
6. Be patient with yourself.
   .
   Apathy ends. It might not feel like it when you're in the middle of it, but it is sometimes a process we just need to get through. It can teach us things about ourselves and can be worth sticking through. Remind yourself of this as often as you can.

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Surviving Freshers If You're Not There

I have taken a little blogging break to focus a bit more on myself and my own personal growth, but here is my first blog back - based on freshers.

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As someone who has 'fallen behind' in the educational system a couple of times, I wanted to give some advice on surviving (and thriving) at what can be a difficult time of year!

Does the following list sound familiar? 

1) Comparing 

When friends start posting pictures of themselves having fun at freshers in their new halls with new friends, do you find yourself comparing? When I left uni I could barely look at my Facebook news feed without feeling sadness and inadequacy. 

I even felt guilty for feeling so sad about my friends having fun. It was a dark time full of comparisons. What I was doing seemed so inferior to the fun and life usefulness of uni. 

2) 'What ifs'

'What if I'd just not taken a gap year?', 'what if I'd worked harder?' and 'what if I'd made the best friends ever if I'd just gone this year?' might all be questions circling in your head. Everyone's reasons for going to uni or not are different and personal, but it can be particularly hard if it wasn't exactly your choice. 

If you haven't gone because your grades weren't enough, or if you need to redo year 13, or if you have been advised by medical professionals to leave it a year, your head might be filled with these 'what if?' questions. 

3) Placing judgements on yourself 

Judgements on yourself are all-too-common in situations where you feel left behind. Thoughts we have about ourselves can be really automatic and unnoticed - thoughts like 'I'm such an idiot' can be so self conscious that we barely notice them, but they're still there. 

4) Loneliness/isolation

As a result of a large amount of our friends departing for uni, we can find our support network is quite depleted, or sometimes non-existent aside from our families. This can be a really lonely time. 

You might've noticed a common theme among the previous list. Your friends going to uni and being at freshers has become a reflection on you and your abilities. This isn't good for self-esteem, which luckily can be built up in quite a few ways by some simple changes:

1) Less social media

It's tempting to look, but it might be a good idea to take some time away from social media. Maybe just focus on your own posts. Leave those lists of recent updates on Snapchat untouched. If you feel you need to be on it, think about things you could post rather than looking at other peoples' posts.

2) Support network

If a lot of your friends have left, focus on making new friends. Part of having a support network is having people you can see face to face and speak to - do not try to convince yourself that having friends miles away who you only see at Christmas, Easter and Summer is enough. 

Having a support network is not just about friends. It can include seeing your GP for physical or mental health problems, having a therapist if you feel you need one, or if you are redoing a year at school it could include a teacher or tutor. 

In terms of making and maintaining friendships, this website has some good advice. Maintaining friendships is as important as making them - so make time for this in your life.

3) Recognise the benefits of working through this.

It's important to not forget that this 'left behind' feeling can happen to all of us, all through life. It is not unique to when your friends are at freshers. This can be a depressing thought, but also quite empowering. If you can get through this in a healthy way, then when your friends are getting married, having kids etc, if you feel left behind you will know how to cope healthily. 

4) Enjoy yourself!

Spend time enjoying yourself, whether this means getting active, shopping or relaxing in bed, dedicate time to yourself (and lots of it). Remind yourself of why you chose not to go to uni this year, or the benefits of not being at uni. Building yourself up and your self esteem will help you to heal and spend time in a healthy way.

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Could you Vow to Tell the Truth Forever?

Would you rather have to tell the truth for the rest of your life, or have to tell lies for the rest of your life? It's considered a tough one. The thought of a life of saying thoughts out loud is usually not one we would choose. But what does it actually mean to tell the truth? Is it that bad?

To start, I'll look at the meaning of honesty. The Cambridge Dictionary (see here), defines to be honest as:

Telling the truth or able to be trusted and not likely to steal, cheat, or lie.

This dictionary also gives examples of someone being honest. The first is:

 "To be brutally honest, you look fat in that dress"

To sum up this definition, it appears that being honest is about:

1. Telling the truth.
2. Not speaking falsely.

So going back to the original proposal, to tell the truth for the rest of your life would mean that if somebody asked you a question directly, you would have to answer truthfully. 

For example:

A friend asks you if you think her dress looks flattering on her. 

Your thoughts:

• I don't think this dress is flattering on her. 
• She will be upset if I tell her that it doesn't look flattering.
• I preferred the other dress she tried on. 
• The dress is a horrible material - I can't see it hanging well on anyone! 

I have put 3 thoughts here, but in every situation when you are asked a question there are probably many thoughts going around in your head. If you are going to answer her honestly, any of these thoughts can be voiced. Just because she asked 'is this dress flattering?', you don't have to answer 'no' if you don't think it is. 

Examples of responses:

• "I preferred that other one!"
• "It's a nice dress, but not my favourite you've tried on"
• "I'm worried you'll get upset, but no - I don't like the material of it - it doesn't hang so well"

These are all truthful and honest responses, and get across the truth in a way which is not unnecessarily hurtful. To take this idea away from clothes, if you want to be honest but are asked a question you don't want to answer, there are many truthful things you can say. For example:

• This is hard for me to answer.
• I'd prefer it if we could talk about this later. 
• I want to help you, but you're asking a difficult thing. 

What's wrong with a little white lie?

Telling the truth allows us to have better connection with other people and ourselves. Allowing people to see our thoughts is an element of being authentic, and allows us to evolve and improve our self esteem. Telling a lie is not only a risk to the other person in the communication, but is a risk to our own personal development. 

To summarise,

Telling the truth doesn't always mean directly answering the question. Stopping to think about how we actually feel in a situation and voicing other thoughts is just as honest and helps us to be authentic. So, next time you're asked 'Would you rather tell the truth for the rest of your life or have to tell lies for the rest of your life?', maybe the sound of telling the truth is no longer as daunting. 

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Four Life-Changing Attitudes We Can Learn From Mandela

Nelson Mandela, 18th July 1918 - 5th December 2013, is a household name around the world, due to his role in the South African anti-apartheid revolution and the ANC, his 27 years in prison and later, his 5 years of presidency in South Africa. He had a wide impact on tackling racism, and is well known for his quote in Long Walk to Freedom (Mandela, available here):

"No none is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite".

In 2014 I was lucky enough to take a trip to Robben Island, Cape Town, where I saw his prison cell. I also watched the film Long Walk to Freedom, which taught me about his values in such a way that when I entered the corridor of his cell, it was a sad but also greatly inspirational experience. This is what I will write about today as a tribute to Mandela Day (the anniversary of his birthday). 

Attitudes which stand out to me when I think about Mandela:

• Prompting change without causing bloodshed
  
  When we look around in the world nowadays, many people are trying to change it. Terrorists, for example, who are trying to make impact by killing people. Mandela realised that violence was not the answer to prompting the changes he and others wanted to see.
  
  Though violence or outburst can be tempting when we feel trapped or angry with how things are, Mandela was mindful of those feelings and tried to find the best way to communicate them for change. This is something that can help us to step back and observe before we act.

• Forgiveness
  
  Mandela was well known for forgiving others. He made friends with wardens, saying that 'courageous people do not fear forgiving', because he recognised that holding resentment towards people is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  
  In other words, holding resentments only harms you and is counterproductive. Being able to forgive frees you to take any actions you need to and live more peacefully.
  
• Faith
  
  A friend of Mandela, Fikile Bam, who was on Robben Island with him for ten years, said (on Mandela - available here):
  
  
  Although he had been sentenced to life imprisonment, he made it clear in all his being, that [it] was unlikely that he would finish all his time in prison ... It was, in fact, a condition of our survival in prison, to believe that we would win. The struggle would be successful in the end. We'd be out of prison during our life time.
  
  

  Faced with life in prison, many might or might feel temptation to give up, in a sense. Believing that you may one day leave and experience freedom is a very faithful belief, which promotes self improvement and improves self esteem. 

  
  

  In The Secret (available here), Rhonda Byrne insists that belief and faith in something you want will make it happen. Mandela definitely didn't read The Secret, but the similar way he chose to think helped him to endure and make the most of being in prison. 
• Kindness
  
  Ex prisoner Fikile Bam also wrote about Mandela's attitude towards prison warders:
  
  
  The one thing I can talk about is that he was always generally very polite courteous to warders. He greeted them, but at the same time, he didn't cow down to any warder at any level. He was just very courteous.
  
  

  We all have people in our lives who try to control us, whether it's to the extreme of a prison guard or not. Being kind to everyone, no matter their behaviour towards us (to an extent), shows a great level of tolerance. This tolerance is a reflection of an inner peace - that we accept and love ourselves unconditionally and are able to accept others in the same way.

Mandela's prison cell when I visited in 2014

Peering into his old prison cell on Robben Island, knowing his attitudes and ways of being, I felt the love and acceptance he felt towards every human there has ever been and will be. He not only helped to reduce racism, but he showed peace and integrity throughout his life that has inspired more change across the globe than he ever knew. 

My favourite powerful Mandela quotes:

• Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
• I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
• It always seems impossible until it's done. 
• The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. 
• If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.

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Keeping Your Life on the Move

A wise woman once told me:

'In every situation you have two choices. You can either change it or accept it.'

This quote is a great guide for me when I feel unhappy in a situation. For instance, with people. If you're finding someone irritating you can either accept the irritation or change the situation, e.g. by trying to spend less time with them. But how do you know when a situation is unacceptable for you?

You may have come across the Serenity Prayer:

It seems simple. Accept what you cannot change and have the courage to change what you can. The issue comes when you find it hard to know when a situation should be accepted or changed - the wisdom part. To make this clearer, I'll use examples:

A situation is unacceptable when:

1. It is illegal
   
   Situation: your boss asks you to work a long shift without a break.
   Choices: accept this (work without a break) or change it.
   Wisdom: this is illegal, and therefore needs to be changed.
   Action: demand a break.
   
2. It puts you in danger
   
   Situation: you drop your phone onto a train line.
   Choices: accept this (accept it is dangerous for you to try to retrieve it and ask for help) or change it (reach onto the track to retrieve it).
   Wisdom: I would be endangering my life to pick this up.
   Action: Ask a train station staff member for help and advice. 

With these examples, it seems easy deciding which action to take (or not take). Sometimes, it isn't so easy to decide what to do. For example:

• Situation: your boss asks you to work late. 
• Choices: accept it (and arrive late to the party you planned to go to) or change it (say no). 
• Wisdom: If I accept, I will be late. If I change this situation, I can go but my boss won't be happy. 
• Action: What's most important to you? Take that action. 

The most important thing is that you take one of those steps, either accepting or changing where you are. A lot of the time, people try to do both. For instance, becoming increasingly frustrated at someone because they're not doing what you want them to do. Accepting could ease that frustration, or acting could mean a change in their behaviour. 

Either way, making a decision helps you to keep moving, rather than getting stuck in cycles of resentment and frustration. And don't forget that accepting a situation is a decision in itself! Ever seen this quote by Einstein?

In terms of making the right or wrong decision (a future blog post on this will happen!), Susan Jeffers wrote a chapter in Feel the Fear and do it Anyway (available here). She says that every decision you make is a no-lose decision. Whichever path you choose will lead you down a path full of opportunities and things to enjoy. So give her chapter a read when you're afraid of making the wrong decision!

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Internet Connection, Cafes and Crack Cocaine

It’s a hot day, I’m sat on an uncomfortable leather seat in a local Caffe Nero, becoming increasingly frustrated that I am unable to connect my laptop to ‘The Cloud’. This isn’t the first time I’ve moved house and been without wifi for over a week, and it isn’t the first time I’ve taken to tracking down wifi in the cafes of where I live. 

Having realised I will go to these lengths to connect up to invisible wavelengths travelling through the sky, I can only think of comparing my actions to those of a drug addict. In drug addictions, you will often hear that people will go to great length to get a fix. For example, 

• Spending large amounts of money
• Travelling great distances
• Isolating themselves

All of these behaviours are risky, and can lead to consequences known and accepted by the addict. Addiction is generally thought to be a form of insanity, where insanity can be defined as:

Very foolish or unreasonable (definition from here)

I consider our world to be largely addicted to the internet. I consider myself to be fairly representative of people of my generation, and know others my age who would agree that, at least after some time of being internet deprived, they would:

1. Spend money to connect.
   
   Think of all of the wifi packages you have bought in hotels when abroad. What would life be without the ability to share a photo of your legs by the pool on Instagram or Snapchat? Not only this, but when I moved into my wifi-less house, I considered paying out to connect to BT Wifi with FON, just to be able to go online.
   
2. Travel distances.
   
   The example of me travelling into town to connect to the wifi in a cafe is how I know I would travel at least some distance to get my ‘fix’ of internet. And in hotels without wifi in the rooms I have often found myself carrying my laptop, as if on some addiction-driven autopilot, to the wifi lounge.
   
3. Isolate themselves.
   
   This one hardly needs explanation. I remember when I became a teenager and got social media. I would spend hours in my bedroom on Bebo, Facebook or Twitter, or chatting to friends on MSN. I spent time away from family, and because of the increased ability to talk to friends online, I also believe I spent less time with them in real life. 

These are all acts which can be foolish or unreasonable. For example, spending money you don't have, can be a step towards causing yourself financial problems, and can be seen as foolish. It is also not the most 

• Have goals 
  
  Know what you want to do before you open up your laptop. This will reduce time and mean you spend less time aimlessly looking at things. If you love to have an aimless wonder, set a time limit for your time online.
  
• Use your phone for communication
  
  Use your phone as a main means of communication - text people, iMessage, use Whatsapp and call people, but try to avoid using the internet browser on your phone if you can. It leaves more room for mindless browsing which can go on for hours.
  
• Find a creative hobby
  
  Have you ever been so busy doing something that you forgot to check your phone or Facebook for hours? These are the best kinds of hobbies. Try something creative like painting, drawing or journalling. You could also try getting a playstation or xbox! Spend time working on your life outside of the internet. It sounds ridiculous but you will see the benefits fast.

So will I be switching off my wifi only to turn it on for contacting people? Probably not. In fact, definitely not. For the time being, my trusty phone will be providing me with cellular data for contacting people and doing the odd bit of (definitely) inessential web browsing. 

Maybe it has become the norm to be a little bit insane, but it doesn't mean you can't take some steps to make sure you have a life off-screen.

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5 Reasons to Follow Book Recommendations

I rarely read books. I don't know if it's because my university course requires quite a bit of reading, or whether it's because I currently have about 10 unfinished books on the go, but actually reading a book from start to finish is something I do about four to five times a year.

It's not that I don't enjoy my style of reading. The feeling I get from finishing a book is especially great when it's a somewhat rare accomplishment. But it got me thinking: what's so special about the books I read to the end? 

I enjoy all types of books, especially thrillers and crime novels, and the books I get halfway through are certainly not bad reads, but the main difference is that books I finish have usually been recommended to me by somebody.

So why? 

Why is it so much easier for me to finish a book that's been recommended to me? Well, I've come up with a few reasons:

1. Accountability
   Being recommended a book gives you some kind of accountability. Once you've told the recommender that you have a copy you intend to read, they are bound to follow up later with some questions about how you're finding it. For people who struggle to finish books, this can be a good way of keeping yourself motivated through the many pages.
   .
2. Sharing in their passion
   When the recommender tells you about the book, their passion for it will probably show. When I was recommended The Lie Tree (link to buy here), the lady who recommended it at the book shop talked about it with so much passion that I could feel it and see the glow in her eyes. This passion then transferred to me once I had read the book.
   .
3. Bringing you closer
   When you see someone's passion for something and experience it yourself, it can bring you closer to that person. Reading their recommendation may also lead to you spending more time with them and discussing the book with them, which can bring you closer as well.
   .
4. Passing it on
   When I had finished The Lie Tree and felt passionate about it, I recommended it onto about 3 other people. If they all read it and passed it onto more people, then it would be read by a lot more people than if the recommender had not shared it with me. It's a snowball effect where the more we follow recommendations and give them, the more the book is read.
   .
5. People to discuss it with 
   And the more the book is read, the more people you have to discuss the book with. There's nothing better than finishing a great book and having someone you can phone or meet with to have a good chat about it. 

Things to help you follow and give recommendations more:

• Joining a reading group
  There are many reading groups which meet once or twice a month, usually at libraries or similar places. There you can read a book in the knowledge that everyone in the group is reading it, and you have somewhere to discuss it for a dedicated hour!
• Giving away your books
  Instead of letting your finished books build up on your already-overcrowded bookshelf, try passing it on. Carry it in your bag next time you're meeting a friend, and suggest it. If they like the sound of the book you can whip it out of your bag and they can get started straight away!

Of course, this recommendations idea doesn't just apply to books. It also applies to other things like where to go on days out, films to watch, theatre productions, and the list goes on. My recommendation for you readers is The Lie Tree because it's the first book I had read so avidly since I was a young teenage reader! 

I love fiction books - see my writing about how they help recovery on the Biblio website at this link. Let me know how you get on as usual in the comments, shares and likes! 

Image from here

CBT: Life as an Optical Illusion

We're all familiar with optical illusions. Whether it's two heads or a vase, a young or an old woman, or straight lines which appear to bend, it is clear that our brains can be tricked into seeing things differently to how they actually appear. 

Over the last week, I've been thinking about how our brains, in a similar way, interpret peoples' comments differently to how they were intended. 

When you stare at the top of the elephant, your brain might see four legs with the feet underneath. This is not actually the case when you look at the feet, but your brain tries to add new information to create a picture it makes sense of.

This also happens when people say things to us. For example:

Nick is showing Jo around his house. He recently added a new TV to his wall, which he believes is too big for the space. When she sees the TV, Jo comments: 'Wow, that's a big TV!'. 

To break this down, 

1. Jo's intentions
• To make conversation.
• To show Nick she cares about what he's showing her.
• To show she is impressed with the size of his TV. 
2. Nick's thoughts
• 'She thinks it's too big for that wall'
• 'I should've bought a different size'
• 'She probably thinks I'm a technology-obsessed idiot'

You might notice some differences between what Nick thinks Jo thought, and her actual thoughts. If he hadn't already been thinking about his unhappiness at the size of the TV, his assumptions might have been different when he heard the comment. 

So why is this important?

In my experience, the biggest cause of drama and fallings out in friendships and relationships is miscommunication. When words are taken to mean more than they actually do, this causes problems. For instance, negative effects on Nick might be:

• Negative beliefs about himself may be strengthened.
• Might spend money he doesn't have on a new TV.
• May lower his self esteem.

All of these consequences might have been avoided had Nick had a closer look at his thoughts.

How can my thoughts change?

I believe that thoughts are very automatic. It is hard to change which thoughts actually come up, but it is beneficial to become aware of them and challenge them where you can. Next time a relative or friend says a comment to you, try these steps, which have helped me in my relationships:

1. Become aware of your thoughts.
• Write them down if you can. 
• This is in an observational, not a judgemental way. If you find yourself thinking 'I shouldn't be thinking this', try to push past it and write it down as if you were observing the results of an experiment. 
2. Rationalise
• In a column next to your thoughts, write next to each one the likelihood of it being true. Argue as if you were a lawyer prosecuting your thoughts (excuse the law references, I've been watching Suits avidly this week!).
• What would the person's intentions be? The likelihood is, they are not being malicious.
• How do these intentions differ from how you're feeling? Note the difference. Circle it, highlight it. Doodle all over the page. 
3. Be kind to yourself 
• Lots of things will come up. Take them as they come and congratulate yourself for being insightful into how you feel. 
• Treat yourself - a new journal to do this written process is always a nice idea when you're going into so much detail :)
4. Change things
• If you believe this person is actually commenting in a malicious way, do what you can to remove that person from your life. 
• If the person is not removable, for instance a close family member, then come up with some coping methods - can you spend less time around them? Or avoid certain topics of conversation?
• Voice yourself. If you feel they are being unfair and it is in their interest to know this, let them know how you feel about what they just said. 

Just as when you see an optical illusion, question what you're understanding about situations so you can get a more authentic view of what's really going on. This process is not dissimilar to CBT workbooks, such as this one you can buy from Amazon (link here).

Let me know how you get on in the comments :)

Image from here

Underneath the Anger of a 'Remain' Voter

The EU referendum result has come as a shock to many, especially to the 48.1% of people who voted to remain. Following the result, my Facebook newsfeed has been filled with posts of rage. Anger-fuelled arguments between remain and leave voters are slowly dying down but are still happening.

Why do I feel so angry?

As written on this website, anger is often called a 'secondary emotion', because we turn to it to 'protect ourselves from or cover up other vulnerable feelings'. We might also feel:

• Afraid
• Attacked
• Offended
• Disrespected
• Forced
• Trapped
• Pressured

Anger as a secondary emotion is really common. For instance, if I feel hurt because someone says something rude to me, I might go from hurt to anger and respond in anger.

Why does this happen?

This is a natural response. To show that we feel hurt by something, especially when we feel vulnerable, might lead to further hurt. Therefore to protect ourselves and still feel we have expressed our unhappiness, turning to anger serves us a purpose. 

However, this can be unhealthy. Imagine a workplace where your boss is under a lot of pressure. If this comes out as anger towards the rest of the team (which is actually quite common), this can have negative effects on the staff - their welfare and in terms of the business, less efficiency.

How about the EU referendum results?

From a more detailed analysis of our reactions, there are a number of things coming up (at least amongst the people I know) - people feel:

• Unheard
• Divided
• Scared

Personally, I am scared of:

• The split between British people and their opinions causing tensions within the UK. 
• The uncertainty as to what will happen to EU national students living in the UK.
• Uncertainties about my future ability to work or live abroad within the EU.
• Economic damage to the UK and my personal finances being affected by this - what will happen when I want to get onto the property ladder in a few years?
• Issues with national security - I am afraid of the idea of my safety being compromised. 

Writing down this list brought up a lot of fear for me. Fear is a difficult feeling, and to make it easier it could all be condensed into an angry statement like this:

"I just can't believe that people would be so stupid as to vote out!"

But this seems to have jumped a little. And though it might be natural to feel angry, it is worth looking into your feelings of anger to find out what is underneath them. After all, if half of the country is angry at the other half, this could cause tensions, and even violence, (which is one of my personal fears about leaving the EU!). 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that taking our anger at face value can have severe implications, and to be honest about the feelings underneath might be new, but can defuse our anger and lead to a more practical approach to what is going to come next for the UK, rather than anger-fuelled tensions.

As always, feel free to like, comment and share! :)

Image 1 from here

Image 2 from here

The 5 Natural Stages of Grief

Have you ever lost someone? The kind of loss I'll be talking about in this post is not only when a close relative passes away. Loss could be breaking up with a partner, grieving the loss of a partner or person years ago, losing an inspirational person (e.g. when a loved celebrity dies), leaving education, losing your job. We experience loss a lot more than we think we do. So how can we best deal with it?

There are five main stages of grief, as defined by a lady called Elisabeth Kubler-Ross from Switzerland. She outlined them as follows:

1) Denial

The first main stage, which helps us to survive the loss. The world becomes meaningless and life doesn't seem to make sense as we go into a kind of shock. Days blur into one another and our goals are about getting through each day. This allows for the pacing of feelings, and only enough feelings are let in that we can handle. 

2) Anger

This stage can feel endless. It will hurt, but the more you let yourself feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate. We might have other feelings underneath the anger, but anger is the emotion we are used to feeling the most, so other feelings come out as anger. Your anger might spread - you might find yourself feeling angry at the little things, or focusing your anger on one particular person. You might find yourself feeling angry at God if you are religious or agnostic, and this can be one reason why some people turn to atheism. 

3) Bargaining

This can come during anticipatory grief - if a loved one is very ill and you want them to live. It can also happen afterwards as we start to think 'what if' and 'if only' thoughts, or 'if I could go back in time what would I do differently?'. This can also be accompanied by guilt. This part focuses our attention on ourselves and can lead to treating ourselves badly if it is not rationalised. This is a natural part of grief, but remember it is your body's way of trying to negotiate our way out of the pain. 

4) Depression

After bargaining happens, we begin to come back to where we are at in our lives. Our feelings of emptiness and sadness come at us on a deep level. It might feel like it will last forever and you may end up withdrawing from your life. This is a normal response and it would be unusual not to feel this way. This can help us to get through this part of our healing process. 

5) Acceptance

This is a new stage where we begin to accept reality. We recognise that they have gone and learn to live with it. We readjust our lives and start to reach out. This doesn't mean we are suddenly 'ok' with what has happened, but if the grief process has been given the time it needs, we start having good days again and reinvesting in our lives as they are. 

Here is a chart of the grief process: 

The important things to take away from this post are:

• Grief needs time. 
• Be kind to yourself through this process and remind yourself it is natural. 
• If you feel angry, try not to do anything you might later regret. Keep your anger expressed in healthy ways - it is a normal part of grief. Turning it on yourself, your friends or precious objects that remind you of your loss can be hard to deal with later. 

Let me know how you get on or any thoughts you have and share this post if you've found it helpful :) 

Image 1 from here

Image 2 from here
Read more about grief here

What Film Studies Taught me About Life

So a couple of years ago I started to really enjoy going to the cinema a lot. Over the few months where I went to the cinema sometimes twice a week, I began to analyse what I was watching, and something started to shift in my perspective of life. This had a big impact on my life and I actually went on to study film studies as part of my degree.

In this blog post I will explore a few features of film which I believe positively impacted my life and wellbeing!

Motifs

So a motif (in film) is a term used to describe a salient, recurring element in a film. This means anything which pops up quite a bit, such as a bird in The Birds or a certain song, such as the piano music in The Conversation. 

A feature of motifs in film is that they often show variation throughout the film. For instance, a red door might be recurring in a film about a family. At the start a woman sits by the door alone, and by the end she happily walks into it with a boyfriend in arm. This is an example of development - the door is the same but the story has developed, and the door becomes a symbol of development.

When I started to notice motifs in films, I began to notice motifs in my own life. For example, a friend. Say you see this friend once when you're trying to find a job, next when you've found the job and you're working ... etc. When you see them, your friend is the same person (personality-wise), but your life has changed.

When you look back and think of all the changes, your friend becomes a motif which can show you your own development and how far you have come.

Mindfulness

When watching a film and analysing it a little, you find yourself watching out for things. For example, techniques such as sound, lighting and tonality (contrast and brightness) are things you might look out for. This process is very mindful.

When you come out of a film screening having analysed the film, you might find that you feel more aware of the environment around you. You might even feel like you're watching your life as a film, and the sunset in the sky has been almost deliberately put there by a director.

This is something which also applies to art. When I first started to appreciate art, sometimes I'd look up at a sunset and imagine it had been painted by a painter. It brought a lot of beauty and gratitude into the world which I might not have noticed before.

Character

The last thing I will write about is character. Last year I read a book called Story by Robert Mckee (available here), where Mckee talks about character development. He writes about how at the climax of a film, we see a development in the character shown when the character has to make a choice.

For instance, they might start as a grumpy, selfish person, who develops into a softer and more generous person, shown by an act of selflessness through a choice they make at the end of the film. This is very common in films and you may begin to notice more as you watch films!

If you look at your life as a film, and you have to make a choice, you can make choices based on your personality and self identity. This is particularly important if you have recently gone through a life change or recovery from mental health.

Choosing to get up and dressed in the morning can be a symbolic shift when you might a few weeks ago have chosen to stay in bed and watch Netflix all day. Development in film characters can inspire us to make choices in our own lives, which when repeated have a great impact.

Summary

I have loved film studies. Sadly I am not taking modules in it next year because I have decided to prioritise philosophy, which I am really excited about. But this will be a loss, and I am grateful for the fresh perspective film studies has given me in viewing my own life and life choices.

Thanks for reading, and please rush off to the cinema as soon as you can :) If you also feel strongly about film, feel free to share this blog post, comment or like!

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What's the Best Path to Wellbeing?

We hear a lot of messages about wellbeing every day. 'Go to the gym!', 'have you tried meditating?' and 'run yourself a nice bath!' are all phrases you might hear from people if you ask how to reduce your stress. So how can you muddle through all this to find your own direction?

There is no one way to go. With an abundance of messages being thrown at us, it seems like the only way is to take our own path. Think of it like carving through a cornfield from one end to the other, making curves and circles as you go.

As Steve Maraboli says in Life, the Truth and Being Free:

"We have all heard that no two snowflakes are alike. Each snowflake takes the perfect form for the maximum efficiency and effectiveness for its journey. And while the universal force of gravity gives them a shared destination, the expansive space in the air gives each snowflake the opportunity to take their own path."

But where to start?

Though the idea of total freedom is full of wonderful opportunity, having no set plan to reaching your own optimum state of wellbeing can be absolutely terrifying. This is especially so in those who might not have a totally stable sense of self identity. 

The following is a list of the things you can do:

1. Do your research.
   
   Read articles online, read books, talk to people and generally find out what people think is the best way to move forward in the direction you want to go. Reading this article is already taking a step!
   
2. Take what you need and leave the rest.
   
   Many messages you hear might sit uncomfortably with you. If someone says 'eat spaghetti for two days' and you hate spaghetti, leave that one there! Spaghetti might be an easy example, but if something doesn't sit right, look at what else you can do instead.
   
3. Put yourself out there.
   
   If you have decided that doing art will help you with wellbeing, go for it. Join an art class, buy some paints, hang out with an arty friend. Take steps towards incorporating this new activity into your life. 

It can be useful to choose things by asking yourself a few basic questions, like:

• How do I feel when I do this activity?
• Does this lead me towards wellbeing? 
• Is this sustainable longer term in some way?

Another thing which might be useful while you're figuring out ways to help your wellbeing is keeping a journal - this way you can record how you feel this technique is helping you, or not, and if you have chosen to do written exercises, for example, you can do them in your journal! It is also a great tracker to look back at to see how far you have come. 

Good luck! And as always, feel free to comment, like and share!

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3 Ways to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparing ourselves to others comes pretty naturally to most of us. With our young lives often being dominated by achievement at school, sports clubs or music, it is no wonder that the desire to be the best sometimes follows us through to adulthood.

Why not compare?

Comparing ourselves is, according to Sonya Derian (link here), a faulty logic. Sonya uses the example of an introvert. Say an introvert, who feels energised after periods of solitude, compares herself to an outgoing extrovert who gets bored spending an hour alone.

Any conclusions the introvert would come to would be irrational and illogical because everyone is different. We are all on our own paths, which might start more converged (e.g. at primary school), but as we grow older we diverge and become more and more varied.

This variation is part of the beauty of humans. It's the reason why you can go to one friend for a great night out and might choose another for a deep and meaningful conversation about life. We all have different strengths and weaknesses in different situations.

Further, we often find ourselves comparing ourselves on our worst days to others on their best. This is inaccurate because we can't get into the minds of others like we can ourselves. This quote captures this conundrum really well:

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel" - Steven Furtick

Comparison vs inspiration

You might be thinking, 'what about that actress I follow on Instagram?'. You might think someone is great because they seem to have a lot of fun and have qualities you admire. Provided this comes from a healthy place of wanting to empower yourself to have these qualities, this can be healthy. 

But if you find yourself gazing at 'fitspo' ten times a day and feeling guilty that you haven't got the post-gym glow that fitfam101 has right now, then read on!

How can I stop?

1. Identifying thoughts
   
   When you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else, take a mental note of what your thoughts are. Becoming aware is the first step to change.
2. Gratitude
   
   Often these thoughts come from a place of feeling like you aren't enough as you are. Focus on gratitude and write down some things you have which you are grateful for. Remember, that person you're comparing yourself to might be comparing themselves to someone with an even better car - comparison creates a moving goal post.
3. Empower yourself
   
   If there is something you consistently feel is an issue for you, consider making a change. If many of your comparisons come from not liking your own circumstances, see how you can appreciate yours more or make a change. 

Freebie

I have put together a chart which you can print (link here) and use to help yourself to stop comparing. It also has some handy examples for you to follow so you can start empowering yourself.

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think by sending a comment on the box on the side of my blog - you can also like or share my posts easily :)

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How Do You Set Up For Meditating?

I was reading The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg (a really great introduction to meditation - available here) when I came across her advice for a meditating posture. For many it is easier to start with a specific posture, one of which I will outline in this post. 

Hint: it is not the position this image shows!

1) Setting

Put together a meditation area. Make it a place where you feel comfortable, warm enough and safe and where you won't be disturbed (e.g. in your bedroom). This is my meditation area in my room:

I have some favourite, meaningful cushions with a book about meditation I'm currently reading. I also have a rose quartz stone which was a gift. According to this website, rose quartz is the crystal of unconditional love, compassion, peace and more. 

It might be nice to put some books, stones, quotes and signs in your meditation area. You could write some affirmations on paper and stick them up for you to meditate on (I'll write a future post about meditating on affirmations). Make it yours - in this space you will be doing a lot of self discovery!

2) Legs

Sitting on cushions on the floor, or in a chair if you feel more comfortable, gently cross your legs. Salzberg says (and I'd agree) to cross them at the ankles and swap your legs around if you get a 'dead leg' or pins and needles! To make it more comfortable, sit raised above the ground. You can buy a special meditation cushion for this (the pictured one is available here).

You might also like to have a blanket nearby or on your legs before you practice.

3) Arms

Your arms can go in different positions - people have all sorts of preferences. Up until recently I liked to let my arms relax, with my hands face down on my thighs. Recently, I have come to like Salzberg's meditation posture, which is shown here (image from here):

So your right hand is cupped in your left hand and your thumbs are touching. 

4) Back and neck

Keep your back straight and face straight ahead. This keeps the body nice and open for easier breathing and keeps you awake if you start the meditation feeling slightly drowsy! To keep your back straight, push your shoulders back slightly and chest forwards, keeping comfortable.

5) Face

The main thing with the face is to keep it relaxed. Salzberg suggests that your teeth should be slightly apart and your lips should fall apart just enough to admit a single grain of rice. Keep your jaw nice and relaxed and your face.

Then all you have to do is switch on a guided meditation or follow your breath (I'll cover following the breath shortly in another post). Please like, share or comment if you think others might benefit!

Image from here