Surviving Freshers If You're Not There

I have taken a little blogging break to focus a bit more on myself and my own personal growth, but here is my first blog back - based on freshers.

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As someone who has 'fallen behind' in the educational system a couple of times, I wanted to give some advice on surviving (and thriving) at what can be a difficult time of year!

Does the following list sound familiar? 

1) Comparing 

When friends start posting pictures of themselves having fun at freshers in their new halls with new friends, do you find yourself comparing? When I left uni I could barely look at my Facebook news feed without feeling sadness and inadequacy. 

I even felt guilty for feeling so sad about my friends having fun. It was a dark time full of comparisons. What I was doing seemed so inferior to the fun and life usefulness of uni. 

2) 'What ifs'

'What if I'd just not taken a gap year?', 'what if I'd worked harder?' and 'what if I'd made the best friends ever if I'd just gone this year?' might all be questions circling in your head. Everyone's reasons for going to uni or not are different and personal, but it can be particularly hard if it wasn't exactly your choice. 

If you haven't gone because your grades weren't enough, or if you need to redo year 13, or if you have been advised by medical professionals to leave it a year, your head might be filled with these 'what if?' questions. 

3) Placing judgements on yourself 

Judgements on yourself are all-too-common in situations where you feel left behind. Thoughts we have about ourselves can be really automatic and unnoticed - thoughts like 'I'm such an idiot' can be so self conscious that we barely notice them, but they're still there. 

4) Loneliness/isolation

As a result of a large amount of our friends departing for uni, we can find our support network is quite depleted, or sometimes non-existent aside from our families. This can be a really lonely time. 

You might've noticed a common theme among the previous list. Your friends going to uni and being at freshers has become a reflection on you and your abilities. This isn't good for self-esteem, which luckily can be built up in quite a few ways by some simple changes:

1) Less social media

It's tempting to look, but it might be a good idea to take some time away from social media. Maybe just focus on your own posts. Leave those lists of recent updates on Snapchat untouched. If you feel you need to be on it, think about things you could post rather than looking at other peoples' posts.

2) Support network

If a lot of your friends have left, focus on making new friends. Part of having a support network is having people you can see face to face and speak to - do not try to convince yourself that having friends miles away who you only see at Christmas, Easter and Summer is enough. 

Having a support network is not just about friends. It can include seeing your GP for physical or mental health problems, having a therapist if you feel you need one, or if you are redoing a year at school it could include a teacher or tutor. 

In terms of making and maintaining friendships, this website has some good advice. Maintaining friendships is as important as making them - so make time for this in your life.

3) Recognise the benefits of working through this.

It's important to not forget that this 'left behind' feeling can happen to all of us, all through life. It is not unique to when your friends are at freshers. This can be a depressing thought, but also quite empowering. If you can get through this in a healthy way, then when your friends are getting married, having kids etc, if you feel left behind you will know how to cope healthily. 

4) Enjoy yourself!

Spend time enjoying yourself, whether this means getting active, shopping or relaxing in bed, dedicate time to yourself (and lots of it). Remind yourself of why you chose not to go to uni this year, or the benefits of not being at uni. Building yourself up and your self esteem will help you to heal and spend time in a healthy way.

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Free Sleep Meditation!

To celebrate 1000 viewers of my blog, I have created a free sleep meditation! Now it is recorded in my own voice so prepare for this to feel slightly weird if you know me in person..!

Thanks for all your views which have enabled me to invest a little more in the blog :)

What I suggest you do to go along with the sleep meditation:

• When you're ready to go to sleep, make sure you've done everything you need to do (I've covered this in the video).
• Put the phone face down to keep the light from disturbing your zen zone.
• And play!
• Your alarm will go off come the morning and you will hopefully drift off to sleep towards the end of the video.

I think it sounds best through headphones but that choice is up to you! 

Leave any comments etc if you found this useful :) I want to connect with my readers!

5 Ways to Get Dance Back Into Your Life!

Before I start this article, I have added a snazzy new Facebook like button to all of my posts! So if you like what I'm writing you can click that so I can see how many people are enjoying my posts and spread my writing further!

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Following on from my last post, today I'll be writing about making ourselves less invisible and taking up the space we deserve in the world. And what better way to do this than through dance?

It takes some confidence to dance. Whether it's in a club, in a dance class or in your bedroom, to many people it just doesn't feel natural. Last week I was lucky enough to go to Morning Gloryville (see their website here). They describe what they do on their website:

"Morning Gloryville is an immersive morning dance party. We are the pioneers of sober morning raving - responsible for bringing conscious clubbing to the world stage."

You might think that this sounds fantastic, and believe me it was brilliant. You might also think something like 'I could never do that' or 'I'd need a drink before I could dance'. And this is the reaction I got from quite a few people when I told them about it afterwards.

Why is dancing so hard?

I believe that the inability we feel to get up and dance, especially in front of others, is a result of our wanting to be invisible. In some ways, it is easier - we avoid the horror of someone laughing at the way we dance, or going for it a bit too much and tripping over.

But becoming invisible in this way is not healthy for us. Every human being, as I explained in my last post (here), has the need to be seen. By not allowing ourselves to completely let go, we cause ourselves anxiety, our negative self talk spirals and we become more and more isolated.

So how can I get dancing?

There are a few ways you can do this.

1. Start in your bedroom.

Put on a dance tracks playlist when everyone is out, and just let go. Given the part of us that loves dance comes from our inner child, even better if you can find a track you used to dance to as a child. Bring back some of those moves you used to pull as a 12 year old. S Club Juniors is one of my favourites for this!

2. Go clubbing more.

If you feel you need to drink alcohol to have a good dance, go out with some friends and spend the night enjoying dance. Remember your goal through this though - this guidance isn't an excuse to end up out on the smoking terrace all night before retreating to McDonald's!

3. Join a dance class

Go to a dance class where there will be more 'beginners' at the dance style you choose for your class. This might take away some of the fear that you won't automatically know which moves to pull out when you're dancing. Because you'll be taught them.

Dance classes at the gym can also be fun - Zumba and dance fit and the like are all growing in popularity and if you take along a friend you can have fun as well as coming away having done some exercise (though be careful that your desire to dance doesn't become a desire to get fit - this is not the point of this article!)

4. Go to a flash mob!

Get searching online and find a flash mob that's happening in a city near you. When you feel that your dance has a purpose and fits into a larger goal, it can really give you some confidence.

5. Challenge negative self talk

If, while you're dancing, you begin to have thoughts like 'dancing isn't for me' or 'I can't dance' - remember that dancing is for anyone who has a body! The desire to dance comes instinctively to human beings, as well as an ability to move, so honour that in yourself and find a dance floor.

And when you've gone off and danced,  leave me a comment on the blog to let me know how you got on :)

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What's So Special About Me?

So I bet you thought this blog post was going to be a personal one about me. But no! It's going to be about you. Like most of these blog posts. I'm not sure if that'll come as an excitement or a disappointment for you, but on to what I'm going to talk about!

So many times we underestimate ourselves. It comes across in all sorts of ways.

1. Jealousy

We find ourselves looking at others' achievements. That friend's graduation photo, hearing about someone's new plans, someone else's good fortune. That pang of guilt as we realise we do not feel completely 100% happy for them is usually down to self deprecation. 

The reason that person's graduation photo is creating a sense of jealousy might be because a part of you always wanted to graduate but didn't. In that moment of longing for what they have it doesn't matter that your premature leaving of university led to a great period of self discovery and starting your own business. It doesn't matter that you met all sorts of great people. You could've become a billionaire. And still your inner critic believes that you are not enough because you didn't graduate. 

2. Isolating ourselves

People probably wouldn't notice if you didn't turn up to that party. Right? 

Wrong. So often we tell ourselves that our absence isn't noticed. We could skip that gathering to lay about in bed and not bother getting in the shower. And yes, you guessed it, it's another way of putting ourselves down. 

The truth is, people do notice when we aren't around. They miss us. And in the mean time we dismiss what they actually miss about us.  

3. Pushing away loved ones

We self deprecators sabotage our own opportunities. That guy you've been dating you might find yourself pushing away from because to your subconscious, he seems too nice. In an old journal I have written 'it's only a matter of time until he discovers that I'm not all that great'. Come on! 

We also push away opportunities. That art fair you've been wanting to go to might get put on the back burner by an inner voice saying 'what's the point?'.

Well, what is the point?

It's a human need to be seen. The more you are seen the more you are remembered, and the more opportunity will flock straight to you. You'll have a lot more freedom. 

So how?

Put yourself out there!

Nobody but Van Gogh would have created Sunflowers in the way he did. All the things we love about creative professionals' work is a direct result of them getting out of bed and deciding to put themselves out in the world. And we can all learn from that. 

Go to social events, do what you feel drawn towards, because it's a great way to discover yourself and how much capability you really have. It only takes 2 clicks on a laptop to order a pizza to your house. Think how much you could create with a little thought and a few more clicks?

Make your voice heard!

As Michelle D'Avella writes (here), 

"The world does not carve out a space for the voiceless. They do not roll out a red carpet and invite the invisible to parade through."

Stay connected to the ones you love - participate fully in that group chat, make your voice heard when something doesn't feel right - refuse to pay the service charge if the waitress had no time for you! And make yourself heard!

Then see how it feels and leave a comment on this post :)

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Making Friends with your Reflection: 4 Steps

We look at our reflections several times a day - and with the increasing popularity of the selfie, the number of times we see our own face per day is on the up. But without an awareness of the thoughts we are having when we see ourselves, this can be dangerous for our self esteem. 

Over the weekend I was lucky enough to bump into author Charlotte Reed, author of May The Thoughts Be With You, at her market stall at Portobello Road. Her book is available here and she also has a website (here). I couldn't put her book down until I'd read it all the way through, and one of her quotes really fits in with what I'm writing about in this post:

'Call yourself bad names often enough and your mind will start to believe them (luckily this also works for good names too!' - Charlotte Reed

Steps towards improving how you see your reflection:

1) Become aware of your thoughts

It is really common to hear people saying degrading things about themselves - body weight and shape, disliked bodily features and one's cleverness are all things which come under fire when talking in this way. But it is not only these out loud thoughts that need to be challenged.

The thoughts can be very subconscious, and because they are repeated a lot, often we are unaware of them. The only way things can change is if you become aware of them. Go to your bathroom mirror and see what happens. You might find it uncomfortable and thoughts might come to mind. Make a conscious effort to do this as often as you can when you see your reflection - even in shop windows.

2) Focus on different things about your body.

Instead of looking at the seemingly ceaseless pimples on your chin like normal, try something different. One way of doing this is to look at yourself in a full length mirror, naked if you feel you can, and describe your body in a completely objective way.

Start at your head and say out loud 'I have blonde hair which comes down to my shoulders. I have an oval face with tanned skin' etc. The point here is to make it objective because it takes away from the usual subjective judgement.

3) Change self-hatred to kindness.

Cheryl Richardson wrote in her book 21 Days to Master Extreme Self-Care (available here) suggests a mirror exercise to do. Every day for a month, every time you look in the mirror, say out loud 'I love you ___ (your name)'. Many who have tried this have found an internal shift happened towards self love, compared to the self hatred that often occurs in front of a mirror.

Another way to introduce kindness is to start thanking your body. If your legs are sore from walking, when you see your legs in a reflection, mentally or verbally thank them for carrying you today. If you find yourself being horrible towards your arms, then thank them for carrying your bag today.

4) Create a supportive mirror!

To help put things into perspective and encourage kindness, stick body image affirmations around your mirror. It is useful to say them out loud several times and allow yourself to feel the feelings that come with them. There are some available at this website, and to include some here:

'I am beautiful'

'I love my body'

'I am thankful for my body'

and

'I accept myself completely'

Keep your awareness of thoughts when looking at your reflection and see if things begin to shift. It is likely that they will as you realise that your body  is primarily there to support you and is only ever doing its best. Journal through this journey so you can look back at how far you have come!

Let me know how you get on in the comments section!

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Self Identity and Window Shopping

As promised, another post on self identity and getting to know yourself. And in this blog post I'll be talking about window shopping!

Now I would talk about actual shopping but the idea here is that when you are window shopping you are not buying things. Instead you might be drawn to some things (like those bright white Converse in the window) or rejecting other things (that t-shirt you might've happily donned aged 12).

Forming these opinions about things is a good way of practicing hearing your inner voice and validating it. When you pass a window and feel drawn to that pair of shoes, listen to that inner spark of wonder and desire. Listening to your inner guide is good practice for the bigger things (like looking within for an answer on a big life decision!) - it's like training a muscle.

Spend a little time looking at the shoes (or whatever it is). What is it exactly that you like about them? The colour? The design? Explore all these things until your inner consciousness has run out of things to think about the shoes! You may well come away with your inner self feeling really validated, and this inspires more listening to it because you'll realise how great it feels!

This can also be done at places like markets, where there are all sorts of diverse and sometimes cheap things on sale, so you can have a long wonder around at your own pace and look at exactly what you want to. You could also try having a look online.

This will not only help train the 'listening to yourself' muscle, but could also help with creating a personal style which reflects you. Instead of half heartedly buying clothes and shoes, you might soon feel a stronger pull towards some items because you are used to listening to yourself. You'll then end up with your outside reflecting your inside. Which is great.

Let me know how you get on in the comments!

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Tips for Guided Visualisations

In my last inner child blog post (here), I explored the benefits of making friends with your inner child. The first step was to connect with him or her. One of the ways I talked about was using visualisation to connect, which I will explore in more detail here.

A guided visualisation based around the inner child might sound a bit scary. Firstly, it is very safe. To exit a hypnosis or visualisation all you have to do is open your eyes. If you find it emotionally overwhelming it might be helpful to ground yourself if you find yourself needing to finish the visualisation suddenly (methods here).

Just like a guided meditation, guided visualisations can be found in great numbers to download online. They often start with the same grounding processes: finding a centre point such as the breath to work with, relaxing the body and listening to the guide's voice. They then differ by telling you to imagine a scene, e.g. walking through the woods.

Every visualisation is different, and every visualiser's vision is different. Some tips for visualisation:

• Try not to worry if you can't immediately imagine a place. If the guide says to imagine a wood and your vision of the woods keeps changing, go with the first image that comes to mind. The actual image is not wholly important, because it will develop and you will find that whatever image you chose will come to have meaning.

• Let your mind go deep into your imagination! If you're imagining a fire-breathing dragon swooping down from above, feel free to keep on imagining. There are no set rules to visualisation and the more you imagine the more you can find meaning from.

Here is a guided inner child meditation for you to have a go with. Please feel free to leave feedback as to how you found the visualising experience!

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6 Myths About Meditation.

Today I signed up for meditation teacher training! So I thought I'd share a little on my blog about six common myths about meditation:

1. 'My mind's just too busy to meditate'
Meditation is perfect for people who can't seem to clear their mind! Not just because advanced meditators might find it easier to clear their mind, but because every human brain is busy, and that is what meditation works with. It is about learning when the mind is going off on track, or off on a tangent, and bringing it back to a centre point. The more you think this happens, the more you have to work with!

2. 'It takes years of practice to reap the benefits'
The most experienced meditators come back to meditation for the benefit it provides day-to-day, rather than an accumulative build up. You can start feeling the benefits during your first meditation - someone who has just started finding their feet in the practice receives many more benefits than a person with the most vast meditating experience who is not practicing.

3. I don't have enough time

This video is proof that you can bring meditation into your life in just two minute bursts if you really feel that's all you have time for! Longer practices can easily be slotted into an adapted routine - you could get up 10 minutes earlier, or you can even do a sleep meditation as you are falling asleep!

4. It's for the religious
The only difference between you and a deeply religious person is your beliefs. The religious person still has the same skeleton, the same bodily functions, probably the same material things. As long as you are able to be aware of your body in some capacity (for instance, being aware of your breath), you can meditate just as rewardingly as someone with religious beliefs!

5. I tried it once and it wasn't for me
How good meditation feels varies hugely between practices. There might have been circumstances which meant you didn't have a great practice - all sorts of things can affect it. I'd advise to keep trying different meditation techniques (different guided meditations or different teachers) until you feel comfortable in the class. Just looking at this article shows that a part of you is intrigued! 

6. I can't sit cross legged
Meditation can be done in any comfortable position - one of my favourite positions is lying down in bed! 

“Meditation is realizing and expanding your inner beauty in every direction.” 

― Amit Ray

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Ways to Ground Yourself

What is grounding?

This website describes grounding as:

'a technique that helps keep someone in the present. They help reorient a person to the here-and-now and in reality. Grounding skills can be helpful in managing overhelming feelings or intense anxiety. They help someone to regain their mental focus from an often intensely emotional state.'

When your mind's getting carried off by your thoughts, you can spend whole minutes in your mind instead of where you actually are. A good way of coming back to the present moment is by grounding yourself. It is a form of mindfulness where textures, smells, sights, sounds and tastes can bring you back into the present fast. 

There are a number of techniques for grounding yourself. Some of my favourites:

• Rubbing your hands together.
• Taking a deep breath or several.
• Putting both of your feet on the floor.
• Rubbing your arms. 
• A sensory box (this website has some ideas).

Also popular is the 54321 game (see here):

1. Name 5 things you can see in the room.
2. Name 4 things you can feel (e.g. chair on my back).
3. Name 3 things you can hear right now.
4. Name 2 things you can smell right now (or things you like the smell of)
5. Name 1 good thing about yourself.

Grounding is less about clearing the mind and more about noticing when the mind is getting carried away and bringing it back to where you are. It is also a great way to connect with nature and as the word 'grounding' suggests, many people feel their most grounded when they are with nature - walking barefoot in grass or holding their arms around a tree. 

I'd encourage you to share your experiences in the comment section :)

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Making Friends with your Inner Child

I'm currently sitting in a cafe writing this blog post. I've just bought a couple of nice things for myself and am having my favourite drink. I love writing in cafes - I even have the atmosphere sounds of a cafe (coffee cups clinking, low level chatter) downloaded onto my iPod for when I need to do work. So you can imagine that right now I feel great. And yes I do.

But why am I doing this? And why do I feel so great when I do this? I believe it is because I am listening to my inner child who loves cafes and fizzy drinks, and nurturing her desires.

So what is an inner child?
Every adult has an inner child - the child part of them which they've brought to adulthood with them from young life. The inner child is the part of you which looks with curious excitement at the cakes in a shop window, or loves the idea of going on the swing in the kids park - it is full of excitement, hopes and dreams and is deeply linked to our creative selves.

The way adulthood differs from childhood is that we have learnt to parent that inner child ourselves. If you're on your way to a restaurant for dinner and you pass cakes in a shop window, your inner parent would kick in and stop you from buying the cakes in that moment.

The issue many adults face is that their inner parent is very controlling of their inner child. This could be as a result of having learnt inner parenting from a controlling parent. These people might ignore that creative longing, not listen to their fun and carefree side, or simply not even hear what their inner child needs.

How can I benefit from knowing this?
The good news is that this can be easily and rewardingly remedied simply by making friends with your inner child. The first step in this would be to connect with him/her. Ways to do this could include:

• Looking at photos of yourself as a child. 

• Talking with family about how you were as a child. 

• Do an inner child guided visualisation (download one here).

• Hold a favourite childhood object.

• Do things your childhood self would have enjoyed.

• Playing in the park (with an actual child or if it is empty!).

• Sucking your thumb. 

• Colouring in.

This can be a painful process, particularly if there were difficult aspects to your childhood. So give yourself time to do this and journal about the way you feel.

How can I really make friends with my inner child?
Then comes giving your inner child the nurturing he or she needs to flourish within your adult self and bring all their wonderful creative aspects to you. Dr Sandy has written about a method to nourish and nurture your inner child, using the acronym CALM:

C - Compassion
When you feel a feeling coming from your inner child, give yourself an affirmation, such as 'it's ok to feel this way' or 'I understand this feeling'.

A - Awareness
Dream big! Create a vision board of things your inner child likes and wants. Spend time discovering these things and congratulate yourself on finding them.

L - Laughter
That deep felt laughter, encourage it! Children love laughing and so do adults - go and see some comedy, watch some on Netflix, hang out with your funniest friend and let yourself laugh.

M - Marvel
Cultivate that childhood feeling of awe by using gratitude. Read more about it in The Magic (buy here). Be grateful for all the things your inner child brings you - your creativity, wisdom, hilarity and inner wisdom, and really feel the gratitude.

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