Four Life-Changing Attitudes We Can Learn From Mandela

Nelson Mandela, 18th July 1918 - 5th December 2013, is a household name around the world, due to his role in the South African anti-apartheid revolution and the ANC, his 27 years in prison and later, his 5 years of presidency in South Africa. He had a wide impact on tackling racism, and is well known for his quote in Long Walk to Freedom (Mandela, available here):

"No none is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite".

In 2014 I was lucky enough to take a trip to Robben Island, Cape Town, where I saw his prison cell. I also watched the film Long Walk to Freedom, which taught me about his values in such a way that when I entered the corridor of his cell, it was a sad but also greatly inspirational experience. This is what I will write about today as a tribute to Mandela Day (the anniversary of his birthday). 

Attitudes which stand out to me when I think about Mandela:

• Prompting change without causing bloodshed
  
  When we look around in the world nowadays, many people are trying to change it. Terrorists, for example, who are trying to make impact by killing people. Mandela realised that violence was not the answer to prompting the changes he and others wanted to see.
  
  Though violence or outburst can be tempting when we feel trapped or angry with how things are, Mandela was mindful of those feelings and tried to find the best way to communicate them for change. This is something that can help us to step back and observe before we act.

• Forgiveness
  
  Mandela was well known for forgiving others. He made friends with wardens, saying that 'courageous people do not fear forgiving', because he recognised that holding resentment towards people is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  
  In other words, holding resentments only harms you and is counterproductive. Being able to forgive frees you to take any actions you need to and live more peacefully.
  
• Faith
  
  A friend of Mandela, Fikile Bam, who was on Robben Island with him for ten years, said (on Mandela - available here):
  
  
  Although he had been sentenced to life imprisonment, he made it clear in all his being, that [it] was unlikely that he would finish all his time in prison ... It was, in fact, a condition of our survival in prison, to believe that we would win. The struggle would be successful in the end. We'd be out of prison during our life time.
  
  

  Faced with life in prison, many might or might feel temptation to give up, in a sense. Believing that you may one day leave and experience freedom is a very faithful belief, which promotes self improvement and improves self esteem. 

  
  

  In The Secret (available here), Rhonda Byrne insists that belief and faith in something you want will make it happen. Mandela definitely didn't read The Secret, but the similar way he chose to think helped him to endure and make the most of being in prison. 
• Kindness
  
  Ex prisoner Fikile Bam also wrote about Mandela's attitude towards prison warders:
  
  
  The one thing I can talk about is that he was always generally very polite courteous to warders. He greeted them, but at the same time, he didn't cow down to any warder at any level. He was just very courteous.
  
  

  We all have people in our lives who try to control us, whether it's to the extreme of a prison guard or not. Being kind to everyone, no matter their behaviour towards us (to an extent), shows a great level of tolerance. This tolerance is a reflection of an inner peace - that we accept and love ourselves unconditionally and are able to accept others in the same way.

Mandela's prison cell when I visited in 2014

Peering into his old prison cell on Robben Island, knowing his attitudes and ways of being, I felt the love and acceptance he felt towards every human there has ever been and will be. He not only helped to reduce racism, but he showed peace and integrity throughout his life that has inspired more change across the globe than he ever knew. 

My favourite powerful Mandela quotes:

• Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
• I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
• It always seems impossible until it's done. 
• The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. 
• If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.

Image from here

Do you Find Positive People Annoying?

You might've experienced it. You are having a really rough day - your cat threw up on your favourite blanket, you missed the train and tripped over trying to run for it. You finally reach that friend you're having coffee with and hear the inevitable words 'well, on the bright side...'. 

Sometimes, we just want to dwell for a little while on how rubbish we feel. Hearing someone trying to see the positive side just feels inauthentic and misplaced, and it might even feel annoying. Either way, it can drive a gap between you and the person because your feelings seem invalidated. 

But in general, are 'positive people' just really annoying and unable to see the miserable parts of life? Unable to acknowledge that sometimes we just have a bad day? And that it feels rubbish when we do? To look into answering these questions it's important to look at a few things.

Why do I find it so annoying?

Firstly, what do you want from telling this person about how horrible your day so far has been? For many people it's validation. You want them to sit and listen to you and say 'aww, that does sound terrible. Let me get you a cup of tea'.  Maybe not the tea but you get the idea. It's validation you're looking for in that moment. 

And when they look you in the eyes and say 'well, it could be worse!', this feels like the opposite of validation. And it is. Deep down you have built up expectations of what this person will say, and they have totally thwarted them (off topic but thwart is a word I learnt recently and love, so I'm pretty happy to have got it into my writing!).

More generally, how often do you find yourself moaning about things to this positive annoying person you have in mind? You might be surprised to find that it is more often than you think. As Dawn Gluskin writes (here): 

'For somebody trapped in a negative thinking cycle... the optimism, certainty and fearlessness of a positive-thinker can seem unbelievable and, yes, even downright annoying'

What can I do differently?

Remove the expectation.

In order to enjoy this person's company, the only real way to do it is to remove that expectation. And the only way to do this is to learn to validate yourself. 

• Be aware of your feelings.
• Recognise that all of your feelings are natural, temporary and justified. 
• Comfort yourself when you're experiencing difficult feelings - be your own loving friend or parent (see my blog post about your inner parent here).

If you can keep yourself feeling validated, you won't need someone else to do it for you, so you won't find it quite so annoying when someone else doesn't follow your expectations. 

Address your resentments.

If this has been an issue with this particular person for a long time, address your resentments and old anger so that you can focus more when you're with them. One way of doing this is to write an anger letter to them (unsent), explaining what you're angry about. Then rip it up or burn it to represent a release of your feelings of resentment.

Focus on gratitude

You might still find that you feel angry talking to them. Focus on your gratitude towards them and the things they have done and do for you. Usually, someone is doing the best they can - they are trying to help you, and though it can be difficult when they are not validating you, focus on what they are trying to do. Which is to make you feel better, normally. 

Another post will follow about forgiveness and resentments. As always, share and write in the comments if you have any thoughts :)

Img src here