Transformation Cannot Be a Checklist

This post came fairly naturally. After a month of lots of deadlines I wanted to write up a new post. So.. the topic is trauma processing, recovery and checklists. It's becoming quite common to find yourself at a low point, bogged down by past experiences. So how is it best to get going and maintain a good recovery and way of life?

For myself, any change coming up is often accompanied by a mental checklist. I'm going on a trip. I need these things. I'm cooking a meal. I need these things. I'm grieving a loss. I will go through these things and will need these things. I think this is fairly common.

Now imagine you've started a life transformation. You ask around for advice, or go on the internet, and you're told 'it's a process'. Transformation is a process, in that it takes time and there are many stages. It might be tempting to look at it as a list, or look at your issues as a list. For example:

• Sort out sleeping pattern.
• Stop smoking.
• Go to the gym. 
• Eat healthily.
• Talk about my problems.
• Get over x, y and z trauma.
• Be left with a 'clearer' life. 

This is a great way to see where you're at. However, in looking at it as a way to guide your process, there could be some problems:

1. Can feel never ending.
   Having a long list of tasks in front of you can be overwhelming. The truth is, we are growing constantly through our lives, making mistakes and trying to make the right decisions. Sometimes that means making the wrong ones.
   
   This means that even if you make a list and get through it, more can always be added. That feeling of completion you are striving for will never be reached.
   .
2. Lack of recognition for other achievements.
   Like a dog chasing a bone on a stick, you will miss the little achievements you're making if you're constantly looking forward for the next one. Transformation requires recognising all the steps you're making, even the tiny ones.
   .
3. Makes it about control.
   Releasing past experiences and traumas and their effects on your daily life is about letting go of control. It's about accepting all the emotions that come with kindness and toleration. Sometimes a list can create impatience, and if your recovery goes 'off track' it can leave you feeling very lost.
   
   As humans we crave for the world and our experiences to make sense. In recovery you will come across lots of unexpected bumps and hurdles - unexpected emotions or experiences. Having a mental (or physical) list often does not allow for these, which is what's needed.

That is not to say that lists can't be helpful. They are great starting points, and good for showing you where you're at. This is why workbooks, such as CBT books, often use tables where you write your current thoughts down, and where you want to get to. 

However, the general message is that letting go of your list as needed is very important. Notice when you're feeling like you're 'off track' from your list, and be accepting of that. Because true transformation is about accepting yourself unconditionally, whether you're on track or not.

Image from here

Internet Connection, Cafes and Crack Cocaine

It’s a hot day, I’m sat on an uncomfortable leather seat in a local Caffe Nero, becoming increasingly frustrated that I am unable to connect my laptop to ‘The Cloud’. This isn’t the first time I’ve moved house and been without wifi for over a week, and it isn’t the first time I’ve taken to tracking down wifi in the cafes of where I live. 

Having realised I will go to these lengths to connect up to invisible wavelengths travelling through the sky, I can only think of comparing my actions to those of a drug addict. In drug addictions, you will often hear that people will go to great length to get a fix. For example, 

• Spending large amounts of money
• Travelling great distances
• Isolating themselves

All of these behaviours are risky, and can lead to consequences known and accepted by the addict. Addiction is generally thought to be a form of insanity, where insanity can be defined as:

Very foolish or unreasonable (definition from here)

I consider our world to be largely addicted to the internet. I consider myself to be fairly representative of people of my generation, and know others my age who would agree that, at least after some time of being internet deprived, they would:

1. Spend money to connect.
   
   Think of all of the wifi packages you have bought in hotels when abroad. What would life be without the ability to share a photo of your legs by the pool on Instagram or Snapchat? Not only this, but when I moved into my wifi-less house, I considered paying out to connect to BT Wifi with FON, just to be able to go online.
   
2. Travel distances.
   
   The example of me travelling into town to connect to the wifi in a cafe is how I know I would travel at least some distance to get my ‘fix’ of internet. And in hotels without wifi in the rooms I have often found myself carrying my laptop, as if on some addiction-driven autopilot, to the wifi lounge.
   
3. Isolate themselves.
   
   This one hardly needs explanation. I remember when I became a teenager and got social media. I would spend hours in my bedroom on Bebo, Facebook or Twitter, or chatting to friends on MSN. I spent time away from family, and because of the increased ability to talk to friends online, I also believe I spent less time with them in real life. 

These are all acts which can be foolish or unreasonable. For example, spending money you don't have, can be a step towards causing yourself financial problems, and can be seen as foolish. It is also not the most 

• Have goals 
  
  Know what you want to do before you open up your laptop. This will reduce time and mean you spend less time aimlessly looking at things. If you love to have an aimless wonder, set a time limit for your time online.
  
• Use your phone for communication
  
  Use your phone as a main means of communication - text people, iMessage, use Whatsapp and call people, but try to avoid using the internet browser on your phone if you can. It leaves more room for mindless browsing which can go on for hours.
  
• Find a creative hobby
  
  Have you ever been so busy doing something that you forgot to check your phone or Facebook for hours? These are the best kinds of hobbies. Try something creative like painting, drawing or journalling. You could also try getting a playstation or xbox! Spend time working on your life outside of the internet. It sounds ridiculous but you will see the benefits fast.

So will I be switching off my wifi only to turn it on for contacting people? Probably not. In fact, definitely not. For the time being, my trusty phone will be providing me with cellular data for contacting people and doing the odd bit of (definitely) inessential web browsing. 

Maybe it has become the norm to be a little bit insane, but it doesn't mean you can't take some steps to make sure you have a life off-screen.

Image from here

6 Practical Tips to Help You Through the Grief Process

Last week I wrote a blog post about the five stages of grief. Have a look at it here if you haven't already! The summary of the post was that grief is natural and it takes time. The feelings which come up can be really painful and are not completely clear cut, like the five stages idea makes out.

So when you're in the depths of grief, how can you muddle through and give some meaning to your days and your process?

To recap, the five main stages of grief are:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Now so far I've said grief takes time. It does, and it's really important to sit with your emotions and feel them. Feeling emotions allows us to make decisions, feel positive emotions at their fullest and self-care the best we can. 

But, it can be hard to 'just feel' if you don't have much experience of this. Some are used to picking up a bottle of wine or eating ice cream all night when they feel sad. These things can be comforting but at the same time can distract us from the feelings themselves and cause further problems.

So how can the days be bearable even without wine or chocolate?

Practical tips

1. Emotions are healthy
Keep an affirmation in mind. 'I am safe' is a good one, or 'I can cope'. These replace those automatic thoughts that might be there, like 'I can't cope'.

2. Journal
Writing all your emotions in a journal can be really helpful. It can guide you through the process and help you make sense of the cloud of emotions in your mind.

3. Talk to others
When you experience the loss of someone or something close, the likelihood is that someone else is also going through grieving that person or thing. It can help to talk to others. But if you find that that person says things like 'just pull yourself together' or similar, it might be best to avoid sharing too much of your emotional process with them.

4. Express emotions healthily
When you feel anger, for example, some healthy ways of expressing it are:

• Throw beanbags at a wall
• Tear up paper
• Paint with aggressive paint strokes
• Scribble 

These are good ways to take the energy out of the anger, keeping it contained and manageable. 

5. Self care, self care, self care.

Make sure you self care while you are grieving. This is a vulnerable time. A good way of figuring out what you need is to imagine a helper coming into your room. Ask yourself what they would do for you. Would they hoover? Change the sheets? Tell you to get in the shower? Keep your answers in mind and do these things for yourself.

6. Have time alone

Rushing about might feel like the easiest way to cope, but in reality it could be a subtle way of trying to avoid your feelings. Give yourself plenty of time for reflection - people will understand if you cancel on them. You don't have to have time alone in your house - if you find it safer to be out in public it can do a world of good to sit in a coffee shop for an hour or so.

If you feel like you can't cope

If you find yourself unable to cope, make sure you reach out. There are lots of ways to do this.

1. Make an appointment with your GP.
2. Talk to a grief counsellor. 
3. Phone a hotline (there is a list on this website).

If you find this helpful feel free to comment or like the post!

Image from here

The 5 Natural Stages of Grief

Have you ever lost someone? The kind of loss I'll be talking about in this post is not only when a close relative passes away. Loss could be breaking up with a partner, grieving the loss of a partner or person years ago, losing an inspirational person (e.g. when a loved celebrity dies), leaving education, losing your job. We experience loss a lot more than we think we do. So how can we best deal with it?

There are five main stages of grief, as defined by a lady called Elisabeth Kubler-Ross from Switzerland. She outlined them as follows:

1) Denial

The first main stage, which helps us to survive the loss. The world becomes meaningless and life doesn't seem to make sense as we go into a kind of shock. Days blur into one another and our goals are about getting through each day. This allows for the pacing of feelings, and only enough feelings are let in that we can handle. 

2) Anger

This stage can feel endless. It will hurt, but the more you let yourself feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate. We might have other feelings underneath the anger, but anger is the emotion we are used to feeling the most, so other feelings come out as anger. Your anger might spread - you might find yourself feeling angry at the little things, or focusing your anger on one particular person. You might find yourself feeling angry at God if you are religious or agnostic, and this can be one reason why some people turn to atheism. 

3) Bargaining

This can come during anticipatory grief - if a loved one is very ill and you want them to live. It can also happen afterwards as we start to think 'what if' and 'if only' thoughts, or 'if I could go back in time what would I do differently?'. This can also be accompanied by guilt. This part focuses our attention on ourselves and can lead to treating ourselves badly if it is not rationalised. This is a natural part of grief, but remember it is your body's way of trying to negotiate our way out of the pain. 

4) Depression

After bargaining happens, we begin to come back to where we are at in our lives. Our feelings of emptiness and sadness come at us on a deep level. It might feel like it will last forever and you may end up withdrawing from your life. This is a normal response and it would be unusual not to feel this way. This can help us to get through this part of our healing process. 

5) Acceptance

This is a new stage where we begin to accept reality. We recognise that they have gone and learn to live with it. We readjust our lives and start to reach out. This doesn't mean we are suddenly 'ok' with what has happened, but if the grief process has been given the time it needs, we start having good days again and reinvesting in our lives as they are. 

Here is a chart of the grief process: 

The important things to take away from this post are:

• Grief needs time. 
• Be kind to yourself through this process and remind yourself it is natural. 
• If you feel angry, try not to do anything you might later regret. Keep your anger expressed in healthy ways - it is a normal part of grief. Turning it on yourself, your friends or precious objects that remind you of your loss can be hard to deal with later. 

Let me know how you get on or any thoughts you have and share this post if you've found it helpful :) 

Image 1 from here

Image 2 from here
Read more about grief here

What Film Studies Taught me About Life

So a couple of years ago I started to really enjoy going to the cinema a lot. Over the few months where I went to the cinema sometimes twice a week, I began to analyse what I was watching, and something started to shift in my perspective of life. This had a big impact on my life and I actually went on to study film studies as part of my degree.

In this blog post I will explore a few features of film which I believe positively impacted my life and wellbeing!

Motifs

So a motif (in film) is a term used to describe a salient, recurring element in a film. This means anything which pops up quite a bit, such as a bird in The Birds or a certain song, such as the piano music in The Conversation. 

A feature of motifs in film is that they often show variation throughout the film. For instance, a red door might be recurring in a film about a family. At the start a woman sits by the door alone, and by the end she happily walks into it with a boyfriend in arm. This is an example of development - the door is the same but the story has developed, and the door becomes a symbol of development.

When I started to notice motifs in films, I began to notice motifs in my own life. For example, a friend. Say you see this friend once when you're trying to find a job, next when you've found the job and you're working ... etc. When you see them, your friend is the same person (personality-wise), but your life has changed.

When you look back and think of all the changes, your friend becomes a motif which can show you your own development and how far you have come.

Mindfulness

When watching a film and analysing it a little, you find yourself watching out for things. For example, techniques such as sound, lighting and tonality (contrast and brightness) are things you might look out for. This process is very mindful.

When you come out of a film screening having analysed the film, you might find that you feel more aware of the environment around you. You might even feel like you're watching your life as a film, and the sunset in the sky has been almost deliberately put there by a director.

This is something which also applies to art. When I first started to appreciate art, sometimes I'd look up at a sunset and imagine it had been painted by a painter. It brought a lot of beauty and gratitude into the world which I might not have noticed before.

Character

The last thing I will write about is character. Last year I read a book called Story by Robert Mckee (available here), where Mckee talks about character development. He writes about how at the climax of a film, we see a development in the character shown when the character has to make a choice.

For instance, they might start as a grumpy, selfish person, who develops into a softer and more generous person, shown by an act of selflessness through a choice they make at the end of the film. This is very common in films and you may begin to notice more as you watch films!

If you look at your life as a film, and you have to make a choice, you can make choices based on your personality and self identity. This is particularly important if you have recently gone through a life change or recovery from mental health.

Choosing to get up and dressed in the morning can be a symbolic shift when you might a few weeks ago have chosen to stay in bed and watch Netflix all day. Development in film characters can inspire us to make choices in our own lives, which when repeated have a great impact.

Summary

I have loved film studies. Sadly I am not taking modules in it next year because I have decided to prioritise philosophy, which I am really excited about. But this will be a loss, and I am grateful for the fresh perspective film studies has given me in viewing my own life and life choices.

Thanks for reading, and please rush off to the cinema as soon as you can :) If you also feel strongly about film, feel free to share this blog post, comment or like!

Image source here

Free Sleep Meditation!

To celebrate 1000 viewers of my blog, I have created a free sleep meditation! Now it is recorded in my own voice so prepare for this to feel slightly weird if you know me in person..!

Thanks for all your views which have enabled me to invest a little more in the blog :)

What I suggest you do to go along with the sleep meditation:

• When you're ready to go to sleep, make sure you've done everything you need to do (I've covered this in the video).
• Put the phone face down to keep the light from disturbing your zen zone.
• And play!
• Your alarm will go off come the morning and you will hopefully drift off to sleep towards the end of the video.

I think it sounds best through headphones but that choice is up to you! 

Leave any comments etc if you found this useful :) I want to connect with my readers!

Solo Cinema Going: Not Only for the Lonely!

Does the idea of sitting in a cinema seat alone scare you? All those rows of identical seats with groups of people dispersed, munching happily on popcorn in the company of their friends and family, while you try to bear it out in the hope that you won't be noticed.

What if I told you it could be really different? You could actually find it a really nurturing and self discovering experience. With Odeon's new Limitless scheme (see more here), trying this out is easier and less expensive than ever before.

Steps to doing this in a less awkward and embarrassing, more enjoyable and self-nourishing way:

Picking a cinema and film

1) Pick your cinema

This might sound fussy but it is true that some cinemas are, well, nicer than others. You probably have a couple of local ones and some have nicer seats than others, you might prefer the atmosphere in one - a whole lot of things. Pick the one that feels right for you to get a good start to the experience.

The other thing is that some cinemas are novelty cinemas. For example, open-air cinemas (check out this Time Out article), and the lovely Everyman cinemas, which have sofas and service to your seat (see their website here). There are also drive-in cinemas. You might like to check these out with friends, but you might like to check out something like Everyman on your own.

2) Pick your film

If you're nervous, start out small. Go to a film which has been out for a little while, and to the cinema at a more unusual time (say the afternoon instead of the inevitably busier evening). You'll be surprised to see who else is there at that time. The first time I went to the cinema alone, my fellow audience was two other solo viewers!

Having said that, try to see a film you're actually interested in! Spend a little while looking at the trailers on the cinema's website and getting excited about the film. After all, that's what the trip is really about.


Entering the cinema

3) Stock up on comforts.

One great thing about going alone is not having to share the snacks! Take some time to browse the snacks and listen to yourself. What do you actually want? This trip is about nurturing yourself, so if you love salty popcorn and soda, go for it!

In terms of other comforts, when I go to the cinema I like to take a blanket! This idea might be a 'no way' for you, but it's something to think about, even when you go with friends - it gets cold sometimes in those places!

4) Use the self service or book online.

This can be really helpful, especially if you're nervous. Most cinemas now have a self service machine where you can book at your own pace without being afraid that the staff member is judging you. They're probably not - after all, you're giving them something to do at this probably quiet time of the day, but for those of you who can't help but be worried, the self service checkout is a good option.

Entering the screen

5) Pick a seat.

When you've entered the cinema,  pick a seat exactly where you want it! Don't settle for a seat on the outside if you like a central view, but if you like to sit on the aisle to be able to get out if you need to, do that. The beauty of being alone is that you can tailor it to exactly how you want it.

6) Notice the adverts.

One big part of discovering self identity was, for me, looking at the adverts for films and making my own judgements on them. They are great triggers for having opinions about things, and making a conscious effort to notice your opinions helps you to engage with your inner self.

It is also really mindful watching the adverts and the film because your attention is focused on the big screen in front of you - it is rare to become distracted and if you do it is easy to bring yourself back.

Enjoy the film!

Image from here

Ways to Ground Yourself

What is grounding?

This website describes grounding as:

'a technique that helps keep someone in the present. They help reorient a person to the here-and-now and in reality. Grounding skills can be helpful in managing overhelming feelings or intense anxiety. They help someone to regain their mental focus from an often intensely emotional state.'

When your mind's getting carried off by your thoughts, you can spend whole minutes in your mind instead of where you actually are. A good way of coming back to the present moment is by grounding yourself. It is a form of mindfulness where textures, smells, sights, sounds and tastes can bring you back into the present fast. 

There are a number of techniques for grounding yourself. Some of my favourites:

• Rubbing your hands together.
• Taking a deep breath or several.
• Putting both of your feet on the floor.
• Rubbing your arms. 
• A sensory box (this website has some ideas).

Also popular is the 54321 game (see here):

1. Name 5 things you can see in the room.
2. Name 4 things you can feel (e.g. chair on my back).
3. Name 3 things you can hear right now.
4. Name 2 things you can smell right now (or things you like the smell of)
5. Name 1 good thing about yourself.

Grounding is less about clearing the mind and more about noticing when the mind is getting carried away and bringing it back to where you are. It is also a great way to connect with nature and as the word 'grounding' suggests, many people feel their most grounded when they are with nature - walking barefoot in grass or holding their arms around a tree. 

I'd encourage you to share your experiences in the comment section :)

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EFT: The Releasing of Feelings

EFT stands for emotional freedom technique. It is hard to explain how it works but it is useful to give it a go if you are experiencing strong feelings in your body. This is something I was introduced to over two years ago and honestly don't use all that often, but tonight I gave it a go and I think I may do more often. 

I am also an advocate for feeling our feelings, so I use EFT more as a mindfulness technique. To feel the feeling in my body, ground myself through the tapping itself and also to practice self-love because I enjoy the feeling of treating myself. However, I'd encourage you to give it a go and see what meaning you can find in it for yourself :)

Give the video a watch here!