3 Ways to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparing ourselves to others comes pretty naturally to most of us. With our young lives often being dominated by achievement at school, sports clubs or music, it is no wonder that the desire to be the best sometimes follows us through to adulthood.

Why not compare?

Comparing ourselves is, according to Sonya Derian (link here), a faulty logic. Sonya uses the example of an introvert. Say an introvert, who feels energised after periods of solitude, compares herself to an outgoing extrovert who gets bored spending an hour alone.

Any conclusions the introvert would come to would be irrational and illogical because everyone is different. We are all on our own paths, which might start more converged (e.g. at primary school), but as we grow older we diverge and become more and more varied.

This variation is part of the beauty of humans. It's the reason why you can go to one friend for a great night out and might choose another for a deep and meaningful conversation about life. We all have different strengths and weaknesses in different situations.

Further, we often find ourselves comparing ourselves on our worst days to others on their best. This is inaccurate because we can't get into the minds of others like we can ourselves. This quote captures this conundrum really well:

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel" - Steven Furtick

Comparison vs inspiration

You might be thinking, 'what about that actress I follow on Instagram?'. You might think someone is great because they seem to have a lot of fun and have qualities you admire. Provided this comes from a healthy place of wanting to empower yourself to have these qualities, this can be healthy. 

But if you find yourself gazing at 'fitspo' ten times a day and feeling guilty that you haven't got the post-gym glow that fitfam101 has right now, then read on!

How can I stop?

1. Identifying thoughts
   
   When you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else, take a mental note of what your thoughts are. Becoming aware is the first step to change.
2. Gratitude
   
   Often these thoughts come from a place of feeling like you aren't enough as you are. Focus on gratitude and write down some things you have which you are grateful for. Remember, that person you're comparing yourself to might be comparing themselves to someone with an even better car - comparison creates a moving goal post.
3. Empower yourself
   
   If there is something you consistently feel is an issue for you, consider making a change. If many of your comparisons come from not liking your own circumstances, see how you can appreciate yours more or make a change. 

Freebie

I have put together a chart which you can print (link here) and use to help yourself to stop comparing. It also has some handy examples for you to follow so you can start empowering yourself.

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think by sending a comment on the box on the side of my blog - you can also like or share my posts easily :)

Image source here

The Importance of Being Honest

In celebration of my 1000th blog view I will be releasing a 10 minute guided meditation which I recorded and put together myself! So watch this space because it will probably be within the next hour :)

--------

When I think about honesty and its importance, my mind goes to being a child. When someone would say 'was it you?' and I'd struggle internally with the choice of whether to be honest or get away with whatever I had done wrong. But if that's an obvious, macro kind of honesty, in this post I will be writing about a much more subtle, micro form of honesty. 

But I never lie! 

With the number of interactions we have with other people, it is very common to be dishonest unintentionally. For example, you're feeling low and your mum phones asking about your week and if everything's ok. 'Yeah mum, everything's fine!' - and that's one lie for the day already in the bag.

The Oxford Dictionary defines dishonesty as the following (link):

"Behaving or prone to behave in an untrustworthy, deceitful, or insincere way"

So being dishonest isn't as simple as being asked a question and giving an answer which is not the truth. It also includes situations where we are deceitful, meaning being misleading to others. If you aren't happy with something and you don't speak up with honesty about how you feel? Dishonesty. You are misleading them into thinking you are happier with the situation than you are. 

So why's it important?

Others know when we are being inauthentic. The person who asked if you were ok probably asked because they could sense discomfort in you. A dishonest answer could lead to them feeling uncomfortable and lacking trust in you. Honesty brings us closer to people because we are more vulnerable. See Brene Brown's talk on vulnerability here (it's a good one!):

It is also an important human need to be seen. By being honest you are being seen by yourself and others, which leads to an increase in self esteem. And with more self esteem you can be more free and have more fun! So although it feels like a risk to be honest sometimes, go for it because most of the time it only leads to good! 

A small note of caution

Also consider your reasons for being honest in a certain situation. It needs to be because you want your opinion to be heard. Not to spite the other person, which can lead to trouble - this post is not permission to run up to your least favourite family member and tell them what you think of them!

How can I be even more honest?

Like most ways of increasing self esteem, it starts with an awareness. Be aware of what you are feeling so that you can start expressing it more often. Then make a conscious effort to express how you really feel about things. Get your voice out in the world to show yourself and others that your feelings and thoughts matter.

Next time someone asks 'everything ok?', it's very fine to answer something like 'yeah things are ok, I'm just deep in thought about my lost phone!'... Queue the way for an authentic conversation!


Image source here

What's So Special About Me?

So I bet you thought this blog post was going to be a personal one about me. But no! It's going to be about you. Like most of these blog posts. I'm not sure if that'll come as an excitement or a disappointment for you, but on to what I'm going to talk about!

So many times we underestimate ourselves. It comes across in all sorts of ways.

1. Jealousy

We find ourselves looking at others' achievements. That friend's graduation photo, hearing about someone's new plans, someone else's good fortune. That pang of guilt as we realise we do not feel completely 100% happy for them is usually down to self deprecation. 

The reason that person's graduation photo is creating a sense of jealousy might be because a part of you always wanted to graduate but didn't. In that moment of longing for what they have it doesn't matter that your premature leaving of university led to a great period of self discovery and starting your own business. It doesn't matter that you met all sorts of great people. You could've become a billionaire. And still your inner critic believes that you are not enough because you didn't graduate. 

2. Isolating ourselves

People probably wouldn't notice if you didn't turn up to that party. Right? 

Wrong. So often we tell ourselves that our absence isn't noticed. We could skip that gathering to lay about in bed and not bother getting in the shower. And yes, you guessed it, it's another way of putting ourselves down. 

The truth is, people do notice when we aren't around. They miss us. And in the mean time we dismiss what they actually miss about us.  

3. Pushing away loved ones

We self deprecators sabotage our own opportunities. That guy you've been dating you might find yourself pushing away from because to your subconscious, he seems too nice. In an old journal I have written 'it's only a matter of time until he discovers that I'm not all that great'. Come on! 

We also push away opportunities. That art fair you've been wanting to go to might get put on the back burner by an inner voice saying 'what's the point?'.

Well, what is the point?

It's a human need to be seen. The more you are seen the more you are remembered, and the more opportunity will flock straight to you. You'll have a lot more freedom. 

So how?

Put yourself out there!

Nobody but Van Gogh would have created Sunflowers in the way he did. All the things we love about creative professionals' work is a direct result of them getting out of bed and deciding to put themselves out in the world. And we can all learn from that. 

Go to social events, do what you feel drawn towards, because it's a great way to discover yourself and how much capability you really have. It only takes 2 clicks on a laptop to order a pizza to your house. Think how much you could create with a little thought and a few more clicks?

Make your voice heard!

As Michelle D'Avella writes (here), 

"The world does not carve out a space for the voiceless. They do not roll out a red carpet and invite the invisible to parade through."

Stay connected to the ones you love - participate fully in that group chat, make your voice heard when something doesn't feel right - refuse to pay the service charge if the waitress had no time for you! And make yourself heard!

Then see how it feels and leave a comment on this post :)

Image 1 from here
Image 2 from here

Do you Find Positive People Annoying?

You might've experienced it. You are having a really rough day - your cat threw up on your favourite blanket, you missed the train and tripped over trying to run for it. You finally reach that friend you're having coffee with and hear the inevitable words 'well, on the bright side...'. 

Sometimes, we just want to dwell for a little while on how rubbish we feel. Hearing someone trying to see the positive side just feels inauthentic and misplaced, and it might even feel annoying. Either way, it can drive a gap between you and the person because your feelings seem invalidated. 

But in general, are 'positive people' just really annoying and unable to see the miserable parts of life? Unable to acknowledge that sometimes we just have a bad day? And that it feels rubbish when we do? To look into answering these questions it's important to look at a few things.

Why do I find it so annoying?

Firstly, what do you want from telling this person about how horrible your day so far has been? For many people it's validation. You want them to sit and listen to you and say 'aww, that does sound terrible. Let me get you a cup of tea'.  Maybe not the tea but you get the idea. It's validation you're looking for in that moment. 

And when they look you in the eyes and say 'well, it could be worse!', this feels like the opposite of validation. And it is. Deep down you have built up expectations of what this person will say, and they have totally thwarted them (off topic but thwart is a word I learnt recently and love, so I'm pretty happy to have got it into my writing!).

More generally, how often do you find yourself moaning about things to this positive annoying person you have in mind? You might be surprised to find that it is more often than you think. As Dawn Gluskin writes (here): 

'For somebody trapped in a negative thinking cycle... the optimism, certainty and fearlessness of a positive-thinker can seem unbelievable and, yes, even downright annoying'

What can I do differently?

Remove the expectation.

In order to enjoy this person's company, the only real way to do it is to remove that expectation. And the only way to do this is to learn to validate yourself. 

• Be aware of your feelings.
• Recognise that all of your feelings are natural, temporary and justified. 
• Comfort yourself when you're experiencing difficult feelings - be your own loving friend or parent (see my blog post about your inner parent here).

If you can keep yourself feeling validated, you won't need someone else to do it for you, so you won't find it quite so annoying when someone else doesn't follow your expectations. 

Address your resentments.

If this has been an issue with this particular person for a long time, address your resentments and old anger so that you can focus more when you're with them. One way of doing this is to write an anger letter to them (unsent), explaining what you're angry about. Then rip it up or burn it to represent a release of your feelings of resentment.

Focus on gratitude

You might still find that you feel angry talking to them. Focus on your gratitude towards them and the things they have done and do for you. Usually, someone is doing the best they can - they are trying to help you, and though it can be difficult when they are not validating you, focus on what they are trying to do. Which is to make you feel better, normally. 

Another post will follow about forgiveness and resentments. As always, share and write in the comments if you have any thoughts :)

Img src here

Tips for Guided Visualisations

In my last inner child blog post (here), I explored the benefits of making friends with your inner child. The first step was to connect with him or her. One of the ways I talked about was using visualisation to connect, which I will explore in more detail here.

A guided visualisation based around the inner child might sound a bit scary. Firstly, it is very safe. To exit a hypnosis or visualisation all you have to do is open your eyes. If you find it emotionally overwhelming it might be helpful to ground yourself if you find yourself needing to finish the visualisation suddenly (methods here).

Just like a guided meditation, guided visualisations can be found in great numbers to download online. They often start with the same grounding processes: finding a centre point such as the breath to work with, relaxing the body and listening to the guide's voice. They then differ by telling you to imagine a scene, e.g. walking through the woods.

Every visualisation is different, and every visualiser's vision is different. Some tips for visualisation:

• Try not to worry if you can't immediately imagine a place. If the guide says to imagine a wood and your vision of the woods keeps changing, go with the first image that comes to mind. The actual image is not wholly important, because it will develop and you will find that whatever image you chose will come to have meaning.

• Let your mind go deep into your imagination! If you're imagining a fire-breathing dragon swooping down from above, feel free to keep on imagining. There are no set rules to visualisation and the more you imagine the more you can find meaning from.

Here is a guided inner child meditation for you to have a go with. Please feel free to leave feedback as to how you found the visualising experience!

Img src here

Why to Get Planning a Trip to your Local National Trust Property!

I was inspired to write this after visiting my local national trust property (Ightam Mote), which I visited today. I came away feeling really spiritually at peace, and began to wonder why that building has such an effect on me. 

So this is the building which has such a peaceful effect on me. It is set in beautiful gardens where I have visited a series of times over my life:

Through all the ups and downs in my life, this place has been preserved and has stayed exactly the same. The bricks on the walls surrounding the mote have kept the same texture, the creaky wooden floors inside the property have made the same sounds as my feet have walked across it, and the light shines in and creates shadows through the same windows. 

This timeless, unchanging aspect of the building reminds me of nature and why I find it grounding. No matter what is happening in my life or in my head, nature remains constant. It is extremely reliable, and the way I think and feel when looking at it changes but can always bring me back to my centre point. 

Nature is also generally very well-loved, and looking at the careful placement of flowers in gardens  reminds me of the amazingness of love. How it is always around in some capacity and can be sought out when needed. Walking around Ightam Mote, this same sense of love for the building can be detected as you go past light sensors, ’no touch’ signs and doting volunteers.

“We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us.” 

- Winston Churchill

Interestingly, Churchill himself found Ightam Mote to be a spiritual retreat, and after going through a difficult time in his life he came to visit and painted this picture, which hangs at the property today:

So even though National Trust properties might remind you of boring days as a child, it might be spiritually refreshing to spend a while looking around one, on your own or with someone you love. If you’re lucky enough to live near Ightam Mote, even better!

Feel free to share and/or comment if you found this interesting or insightful :)

Image 1 from here

Ightam Mote's website here

Four Steps Towards Writing an Affirmation

I'm going to do a post about the usefulness of affirmations and some of my favourites tomorrow. For now, a good way to introduce yourself to affirmations is to jump in the deep end and make one up!

Steps towards writing an affirmation:

1. Decide on the subject of your affirmation.

Just as was explained in the universe post (here), if you think about the things you want in your life often, they are more likely to come to you. You can write an affirmation about anything. Some examples:

• Bringing money into your life.
• Having positive relationships.
• Fostering self love.

If after deciding the subject you decide you would rather have a ready-made affirmation, search on the internet for 'affirmations about relationships' etc and you can find some great ones. The world's largest online collection is here.

2. Decide the tense.

Affirmations work very well in the present tense. 'I am learning to accept myself' connects you to the present moment and empowers you in it. 

Future tense can also work really well, especially if you have a big event coming up or if you have a long term goal. It can inspire hope, faith and confidence in the present moment for the future.

3. Make it positive.

A positive affirmation works better than a negative one. For example, if your desire is to do well at a job interview and answer the questions well, you could phrase this in two ways:

- 'I find it easy to talk about myself at interviews'.

- 'I will not dry up during this interview'.

The second affirmation here brings to mind drying up, and focusing on that inspires fear rather than empowering you. This is why it's great to stay on the positive side of a situation in an affirmation.

4. Keep it snappy.

A short and snappy affirmation is easier to repeat to yourself (more to be covered in the future post about affirmations) and meditate on. 

Img src: empowerment-1.jpg

The Universe, and receiving from it.

You might’ve heard about a book called The Secret, or been lucky enough to come across this video online:

You’ve certainly heard about the universe when scientists talk about its planets and constellations. But what would it really mean if I came to believe that the universe was on my side, or bringing the right people to me at the right time?

The universe can be understood for wellbeing less in a literal sense, and more as a good way of describing anything outside of yourself. That chair you’re sitting on, that sky, that other person. As your friend gets angry with you, things outside of your control are happening. The universe is happening. As it does.

In The Secret, Rhonda Byrne talks about a universe where the waves we emit from our brain – our thought frequencies – are reflected back to us. If we imagine the car we want, and we believe we will get that car, the universe will reflect back our frequency and will give us the car.

The explanation works better with things which aren’t material, like thoughts. If we believe we are unlucky, we will put out signals that we are unlucky and draw unlucky things to us. An unlucky person might only notice the bad things that happen to them and draw more, whereas someone who believes they are lucky would have the opposite, and would be lucky.

How to ask and receive from the universe:

1. Think about what you want in your life frequently.

In order to get material and non-material things we truly want and be truly happy, we need to be clear on exactly what we want. A good way of doing this is a vision board. You could put up a notice board and tear out things from magazines – items you’d like or images which represent a feeling you’d like to cultivate more in yourself.

2. Be prepared for receiving.

If you want to go on a last-minute holiday, get out your suitcase ready to pack. Maybe even pack it! The last thing you’d want would be to receive that thing and then not be prepared to receive it. Being prepared also makes you think about it more, and according to The Secret, draws it to you.

3. Keep a record

Like a gratitude list, when you’ve asked the universe for something and it has provided, keep a record. It will encourage you to think about the things you really want in your life and be brave enough to go for it with confidence that it can and will happen for you.

Buy The Secret at: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Secret-Rhonda-Byrne/dp/1847370292