The Myth of Laziness

Have you ever heard someone judgementally label someone as 'lazy'? It's a label often applied to young people, especially 'lazy students' who are only in uni a few hours a week. Personally I believe that these sweeping judgements are ill-informed, assuming and most of the time, completely false!

With the help of this article in Psychology Today, I'm going to unravel the term 'lazy' and look at exactly why we feel the need to procrastinate, and how we can help ourselves more. So what is laziness, according to the dictionary? A search on Google showed laziness as: 

"The quality of being unwilling to work or use energy"

Ok, so yes lots of young people and older people ARE unwilling to work or use energy sometimes, or a lot of the time. So according to the definition, yes, they are lazy. But when we're looking at why someone with Parkinson's Disease can't do up fiddly buttons, we focus on the cause, or root. Not the inability. So this is what I'm interested in with laziness. Why are we "unwilling"?

When we need to do something, all we need to start is some motivation. However, I believe that when people are lazy or procrastinate, this motivation is not there, or it's interfered with. So what can interfere with this motivation?

• Lacking interest in whatever we're trying to do.
  It's not our fault if we're not interested in the project. But if we're not interested, we're not exactly going to be excited about its completion, and when we're not excited we're not motivated. 
• Lack of self confidence.
  Sometimes we grow up to have a limited view of what we can do. It might be because we've always been told that we can't do things (by friends, family or even the media), and that message 'I wouldn't be able to do that' is a negative automatic thought circling in our mind. 
• Fear of failing.
  It's really common to be afraid of starting something in case it doesn't go to plan and you end up failing. Even if you complete the project successfully, that self doubt in your mind can still come back to haunt you in later projects - it is not quietened by success. 
• Fear of rejection.
  You might also be worried that the person you're completing the project for will not be pleased with the outcome of your hard work. This is usually due to a need for appraisal from others - that person's opinion will likely hold a very high value for you - higher than your own.

These are only four reasons why someone might be lacking motivation - there are plenty more! So with all these, I think it's pretty clear that it's less simple than a 'she's lazy' label. So here I redefine laziness:

A state of being frozen and unable to complete essential tasks due to mental blocks often undetectable to the outside world.

So how can laziness be tackled?

1. Break it down.
   .
   I put in this second image because it is a perfect illustration of the value of little steps. Starting something you need to do is a lot easier when you focus on little things. Breaking down an essay into researching, drafting, final drafting, e.t.c. makes it seem more manageable than thinking about what you'll have as the end product.
   .
2. Catch negative automatic thoughts.
   .
   Often these thoughts go unnoticed. 'I'll never do it', 'I'm such an idiot', 'why did I do that?' etc, slip through our full consciousness and go partially undetected. But they do damage and change our behaviour, putting more and more limitations on what we do and don't do.
   .
   Get a journal and write down every time you have a negative thought. Write down the situation in one column, your thought in another and your feelings in another. The more aware you are the more you can refute them and think about the truth. You are not stupid, for example.
   .
3. Believe in yourself.
   .
   Print out a list of affirmations. Cut them up and stick them on your mirror, fold them up and put them in a box, put them wherever you find best to store them, then read one aloud every day. Think about it throughout the door. This link has a lot of great affirmations, and you can write your own - I did a post about this a while ago (link here). 

See how you get on and let me know any thoughts/feedback :)

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Could you Vow to Tell the Truth Forever?

Would you rather have to tell the truth for the rest of your life, or have to tell lies for the rest of your life? It's considered a tough one. The thought of a life of saying thoughts out loud is usually not one we would choose. But what does it actually mean to tell the truth? Is it that bad?

To start, I'll look at the meaning of honesty. The Cambridge Dictionary (see here), defines to be honest as:

Telling the truth or able to be trusted and not likely to steal, cheat, or lie.

This dictionary also gives examples of someone being honest. The first is:

 "To be brutally honest, you look fat in that dress"

To sum up this definition, it appears that being honest is about:

1. Telling the truth.
2. Not speaking falsely.

So going back to the original proposal, to tell the truth for the rest of your life would mean that if somebody asked you a question directly, you would have to answer truthfully. 

For example:

A friend asks you if you think her dress looks flattering on her. 

Your thoughts:

• I don't think this dress is flattering on her. 
• She will be upset if I tell her that it doesn't look flattering.
• I preferred the other dress she tried on. 
• The dress is a horrible material - I can't see it hanging well on anyone! 

I have put 3 thoughts here, but in every situation when you are asked a question there are probably many thoughts going around in your head. If you are going to answer her honestly, any of these thoughts can be voiced. Just because she asked 'is this dress flattering?', you don't have to answer 'no' if you don't think it is. 

Examples of responses:

• "I preferred that other one!"
• "It's a nice dress, but not my favourite you've tried on"
• "I'm worried you'll get upset, but no - I don't like the material of it - it doesn't hang so well"

These are all truthful and honest responses, and get across the truth in a way which is not unnecessarily hurtful. To take this idea away from clothes, if you want to be honest but are asked a question you don't want to answer, there are many truthful things you can say. For example:

• This is hard for me to answer.
• I'd prefer it if we could talk about this later. 
• I want to help you, but you're asking a difficult thing. 

What's wrong with a little white lie?

Telling the truth allows us to have better connection with other people and ourselves. Allowing people to see our thoughts is an element of being authentic, and allows us to evolve and improve our self esteem. Telling a lie is not only a risk to the other person in the communication, but is a risk to our own personal development. 

To summarise,

Telling the truth doesn't always mean directly answering the question. Stopping to think about how we actually feel in a situation and voicing other thoughts is just as honest and helps us to be authentic. So, next time you're asked 'Would you rather tell the truth for the rest of your life or have to tell lies for the rest of your life?', maybe the sound of telling the truth is no longer as daunting. 

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Four Life-Changing Attitudes We Can Learn From Mandela

Nelson Mandela, 18th July 1918 - 5th December 2013, is a household name around the world, due to his role in the South African anti-apartheid revolution and the ANC, his 27 years in prison and later, his 5 years of presidency in South Africa. He had a wide impact on tackling racism, and is well known for his quote in Long Walk to Freedom (Mandela, available here):

"No none is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite".

In 2014 I was lucky enough to take a trip to Robben Island, Cape Town, where I saw his prison cell. I also watched the film Long Walk to Freedom, which taught me about his values in such a way that when I entered the corridor of his cell, it was a sad but also greatly inspirational experience. This is what I will write about today as a tribute to Mandela Day (the anniversary of his birthday). 

Attitudes which stand out to me when I think about Mandela:

• Prompting change without causing bloodshed
  
  When we look around in the world nowadays, many people are trying to change it. Terrorists, for example, who are trying to make impact by killing people. Mandela realised that violence was not the answer to prompting the changes he and others wanted to see.
  
  Though violence or outburst can be tempting when we feel trapped or angry with how things are, Mandela was mindful of those feelings and tried to find the best way to communicate them for change. This is something that can help us to step back and observe before we act.

• Forgiveness
  
  Mandela was well known for forgiving others. He made friends with wardens, saying that 'courageous people do not fear forgiving', because he recognised that holding resentment towards people is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  
  In other words, holding resentments only harms you and is counterproductive. Being able to forgive frees you to take any actions you need to and live more peacefully.
  
• Faith
  
  A friend of Mandela, Fikile Bam, who was on Robben Island with him for ten years, said (on Mandela - available here):
  
  
  Although he had been sentenced to life imprisonment, he made it clear in all his being, that [it] was unlikely that he would finish all his time in prison ... It was, in fact, a condition of our survival in prison, to believe that we would win. The struggle would be successful in the end. We'd be out of prison during our life time.
  
  

  Faced with life in prison, many might or might feel temptation to give up, in a sense. Believing that you may one day leave and experience freedom is a very faithful belief, which promotes self improvement and improves self esteem. 

  
  

  In The Secret (available here), Rhonda Byrne insists that belief and faith in something you want will make it happen. Mandela definitely didn't read The Secret, but the similar way he chose to think helped him to endure and make the most of being in prison. 
• Kindness
  
  Ex prisoner Fikile Bam also wrote about Mandela's attitude towards prison warders:
  
  
  The one thing I can talk about is that he was always generally very polite courteous to warders. He greeted them, but at the same time, he didn't cow down to any warder at any level. He was just very courteous.
  
  

  We all have people in our lives who try to control us, whether it's to the extreme of a prison guard or not. Being kind to everyone, no matter their behaviour towards us (to an extent), shows a great level of tolerance. This tolerance is a reflection of an inner peace - that we accept and love ourselves unconditionally and are able to accept others in the same way.

Mandela's prison cell when I visited in 2014

Peering into his old prison cell on Robben Island, knowing his attitudes and ways of being, I felt the love and acceptance he felt towards every human there has ever been and will be. He not only helped to reduce racism, but he showed peace and integrity throughout his life that has inspired more change across the globe than he ever knew. 

My favourite powerful Mandela quotes:

• Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
• I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
• It always seems impossible until it's done. 
• The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. 
• If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.

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Keeping Your Life on the Move

A wise woman once told me:

'In every situation you have two choices. You can either change it or accept it.'

This quote is a great guide for me when I feel unhappy in a situation. For instance, with people. If you're finding someone irritating you can either accept the irritation or change the situation, e.g. by trying to spend less time with them. But how do you know when a situation is unacceptable for you?

You may have come across the Serenity Prayer:

It seems simple. Accept what you cannot change and have the courage to change what you can. The issue comes when you find it hard to know when a situation should be accepted or changed - the wisdom part. To make this clearer, I'll use examples:

A situation is unacceptable when:

1. It is illegal
   
   Situation: your boss asks you to work a long shift without a break.
   Choices: accept this (work without a break) or change it.
   Wisdom: this is illegal, and therefore needs to be changed.
   Action: demand a break.
   
2. It puts you in danger
   
   Situation: you drop your phone onto a train line.
   Choices: accept this (accept it is dangerous for you to try to retrieve it and ask for help) or change it (reach onto the track to retrieve it).
   Wisdom: I would be endangering my life to pick this up.
   Action: Ask a train station staff member for help and advice. 

With these examples, it seems easy deciding which action to take (or not take). Sometimes, it isn't so easy to decide what to do. For example:

• Situation: your boss asks you to work late. 
• Choices: accept it (and arrive late to the party you planned to go to) or change it (say no). 
• Wisdom: If I accept, I will be late. If I change this situation, I can go but my boss won't be happy. 
• Action: What's most important to you? Take that action. 

The most important thing is that you take one of those steps, either accepting or changing where you are. A lot of the time, people try to do both. For instance, becoming increasingly frustrated at someone because they're not doing what you want them to do. Accepting could ease that frustration, or acting could mean a change in their behaviour. 

Either way, making a decision helps you to keep moving, rather than getting stuck in cycles of resentment and frustration. And don't forget that accepting a situation is a decision in itself! Ever seen this quote by Einstein?

In terms of making the right or wrong decision (a future blog post on this will happen!), Susan Jeffers wrote a chapter in Feel the Fear and do it Anyway (available here). She says that every decision you make is a no-lose decision. Whichever path you choose will lead you down a path full of opportunities and things to enjoy. So give her chapter a read when you're afraid of making the wrong decision!

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Internet Connection, Cafes and Crack Cocaine

It’s a hot day, I’m sat on an uncomfortable leather seat in a local Caffe Nero, becoming increasingly frustrated that I am unable to connect my laptop to ‘The Cloud’. This isn’t the first time I’ve moved house and been without wifi for over a week, and it isn’t the first time I’ve taken to tracking down wifi in the cafes of where I live. 

Having realised I will go to these lengths to connect up to invisible wavelengths travelling through the sky, I can only think of comparing my actions to those of a drug addict. In drug addictions, you will often hear that people will go to great length to get a fix. For example, 

• Spending large amounts of money
• Travelling great distances
• Isolating themselves

All of these behaviours are risky, and can lead to consequences known and accepted by the addict. Addiction is generally thought to be a form of insanity, where insanity can be defined as:

Very foolish or unreasonable (definition from here)

I consider our world to be largely addicted to the internet. I consider myself to be fairly representative of people of my generation, and know others my age who would agree that, at least after some time of being internet deprived, they would:

1. Spend money to connect.
   
   Think of all of the wifi packages you have bought in hotels when abroad. What would life be without the ability to share a photo of your legs by the pool on Instagram or Snapchat? Not only this, but when I moved into my wifi-less house, I considered paying out to connect to BT Wifi with FON, just to be able to go online.
   
2. Travel distances.
   
   The example of me travelling into town to connect to the wifi in a cafe is how I know I would travel at least some distance to get my ‘fix’ of internet. And in hotels without wifi in the rooms I have often found myself carrying my laptop, as if on some addiction-driven autopilot, to the wifi lounge.
   
3. Isolate themselves.
   
   This one hardly needs explanation. I remember when I became a teenager and got social media. I would spend hours in my bedroom on Bebo, Facebook or Twitter, or chatting to friends on MSN. I spent time away from family, and because of the increased ability to talk to friends online, I also believe I spent less time with them in real life. 

These are all acts which can be foolish or unreasonable. For example, spending money you don't have, can be a step towards causing yourself financial problems, and can be seen as foolish. It is also not the most 

• Have goals 
  
  Know what you want to do before you open up your laptop. This will reduce time and mean you spend less time aimlessly looking at things. If you love to have an aimless wonder, set a time limit for your time online.
  
• Use your phone for communication
  
  Use your phone as a main means of communication - text people, iMessage, use Whatsapp and call people, but try to avoid using the internet browser on your phone if you can. It leaves more room for mindless browsing which can go on for hours.
  
• Find a creative hobby
  
  Have you ever been so busy doing something that you forgot to check your phone or Facebook for hours? These are the best kinds of hobbies. Try something creative like painting, drawing or journalling. You could also try getting a playstation or xbox! Spend time working on your life outside of the internet. It sounds ridiculous but you will see the benefits fast.

So will I be switching off my wifi only to turn it on for contacting people? Probably not. In fact, definitely not. For the time being, my trusty phone will be providing me with cellular data for contacting people and doing the odd bit of (definitely) inessential web browsing. 

Maybe it has become the norm to be a little bit insane, but it doesn't mean you can't take some steps to make sure you have a life off-screen.

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CBT: Life as an Optical Illusion

We're all familiar with optical illusions. Whether it's two heads or a vase, a young or an old woman, or straight lines which appear to bend, it is clear that our brains can be tricked into seeing things differently to how they actually appear. 

Over the last week, I've been thinking about how our brains, in a similar way, interpret peoples' comments differently to how they were intended. 

When you stare at the top of the elephant, your brain might see four legs with the feet underneath. This is not actually the case when you look at the feet, but your brain tries to add new information to create a picture it makes sense of.

This also happens when people say things to us. For example:

Nick is showing Jo around his house. He recently added a new TV to his wall, which he believes is too big for the space. When she sees the TV, Jo comments: 'Wow, that's a big TV!'. 

To break this down, 

1. Jo's intentions
• To make conversation.
• To show Nick she cares about what he's showing her.
• To show she is impressed with the size of his TV. 
2. Nick's thoughts
• 'She thinks it's too big for that wall'
• 'I should've bought a different size'
• 'She probably thinks I'm a technology-obsessed idiot'

You might notice some differences between what Nick thinks Jo thought, and her actual thoughts. If he hadn't already been thinking about his unhappiness at the size of the TV, his assumptions might have been different when he heard the comment. 

So why is this important?

In my experience, the biggest cause of drama and fallings out in friendships and relationships is miscommunication. When words are taken to mean more than they actually do, this causes problems. For instance, negative effects on Nick might be:

• Negative beliefs about himself may be strengthened.
• Might spend money he doesn't have on a new TV.
• May lower his self esteem.

All of these consequences might have been avoided had Nick had a closer look at his thoughts.

How can my thoughts change?

I believe that thoughts are very automatic. It is hard to change which thoughts actually come up, but it is beneficial to become aware of them and challenge them where you can. Next time a relative or friend says a comment to you, try these steps, which have helped me in my relationships:

1. Become aware of your thoughts.
• Write them down if you can. 
• This is in an observational, not a judgemental way. If you find yourself thinking 'I shouldn't be thinking this', try to push past it and write it down as if you were observing the results of an experiment. 
2. Rationalise
• In a column next to your thoughts, write next to each one the likelihood of it being true. Argue as if you were a lawyer prosecuting your thoughts (excuse the law references, I've been watching Suits avidly this week!).
• What would the person's intentions be? The likelihood is, they are not being malicious.
• How do these intentions differ from how you're feeling? Note the difference. Circle it, highlight it. Doodle all over the page. 
3. Be kind to yourself 
• Lots of things will come up. Take them as they come and congratulate yourself for being insightful into how you feel. 
• Treat yourself - a new journal to do this written process is always a nice idea when you're going into so much detail :)
4. Change things
• If you believe this person is actually commenting in a malicious way, do what you can to remove that person from your life. 
• If the person is not removable, for instance a close family member, then come up with some coping methods - can you spend less time around them? Or avoid certain topics of conversation?
• Voice yourself. If you feel they are being unfair and it is in their interest to know this, let them know how you feel about what they just said. 

Just as when you see an optical illusion, question what you're understanding about situations so you can get a more authentic view of what's really going on. This process is not dissimilar to CBT workbooks, such as this one you can buy from Amazon (link here).

Let me know how you get on in the comments :)

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6 Practical Tips to Help You Through the Grief Process

Last week I wrote a blog post about the five stages of grief. Have a look at it here if you haven't already! The summary of the post was that grief is natural and it takes time. The feelings which come up can be really painful and are not completely clear cut, like the five stages idea makes out.

So when you're in the depths of grief, how can you muddle through and give some meaning to your days and your process?

To recap, the five main stages of grief are:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Now so far I've said grief takes time. It does, and it's really important to sit with your emotions and feel them. Feeling emotions allows us to make decisions, feel positive emotions at their fullest and self-care the best we can. 

But, it can be hard to 'just feel' if you don't have much experience of this. Some are used to picking up a bottle of wine or eating ice cream all night when they feel sad. These things can be comforting but at the same time can distract us from the feelings themselves and cause further problems.

So how can the days be bearable even without wine or chocolate?

Practical tips

1. Emotions are healthy
Keep an affirmation in mind. 'I am safe' is a good one, or 'I can cope'. These replace those automatic thoughts that might be there, like 'I can't cope'.

2. Journal
Writing all your emotions in a journal can be really helpful. It can guide you through the process and help you make sense of the cloud of emotions in your mind.

3. Talk to others
When you experience the loss of someone or something close, the likelihood is that someone else is also going through grieving that person or thing. It can help to talk to others. But if you find that that person says things like 'just pull yourself together' or similar, it might be best to avoid sharing too much of your emotional process with them.

4. Express emotions healthily
When you feel anger, for example, some healthy ways of expressing it are:

• Throw beanbags at a wall
• Tear up paper
• Paint with aggressive paint strokes
• Scribble 

These are good ways to take the energy out of the anger, keeping it contained and manageable. 

5. Self care, self care, self care.

Make sure you self care while you are grieving. This is a vulnerable time. A good way of figuring out what you need is to imagine a helper coming into your room. Ask yourself what they would do for you. Would they hoover? Change the sheets? Tell you to get in the shower? Keep your answers in mind and do these things for yourself.

6. Have time alone

Rushing about might feel like the easiest way to cope, but in reality it could be a subtle way of trying to avoid your feelings. Give yourself plenty of time for reflection - people will understand if you cancel on them. You don't have to have time alone in your house - if you find it safer to be out in public it can do a world of good to sit in a coffee shop for an hour or so.

If you feel like you can't cope

If you find yourself unable to cope, make sure you reach out. There are lots of ways to do this.

1. Make an appointment with your GP.
2. Talk to a grief counsellor. 
3. Phone a hotline (there is a list on this website).

If you find this helpful feel free to comment or like the post!

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5 Steps: Facing up to Your Bank Balance!

"I don't want to look at my bank balance" is something often heard around young people. But it's not just young people who struggle to check. Only 65% of adults check their bank balance each week. So how can the other 30% do this and why is it important anyway?

Knowing what's your bank account is going through is important. It helps us avoid things like:

• Overdraft charges
• Being unable to pay rent/bills on time
• Having to borrow money
• The scary world of payday loans
• Being in debt

It is well-known that people in debt suffer from more stress, which can lead to things like mental health problems, high blood pressure and a weaker immune system. The more problems you have like this, the more money you need to spend on travel, time off work etc., and it becomes a cycle.

So how can I make this less painful?

It can be hard to check your bank account. Seeing a low number leads to feelings which a lot of people would rather avoid, at least for the time being. But the more you are on top of your bank account, the more you can avoid feelings like dread and anxiety. 

Putting off checking leads to more of these feelings, and although feelings are very valid and ok, it is best to try and foster positive feelings, like empowerment and gratitude. So start today if you can. 

Practical tips:

1) Calculate in and out-goings.

So you've decided you're ready to check. First it might be a good idea to get a sheet of paper and write on the left your 'in' payments, and on the right your 'out' payments. It is a good idea to do this for a month worth of commitments. If you are a student, do this as your student loan arrives and calculate for the term.

You can also see whether medium term you need to look at increasing your hours at work to sustain yourself, or whether you are working enough that you can save some money.

2) Get comfortable.

Personally I like to do this in a coffee shop or somewhere similar. Somewhere where I can have a cup of coffee in hand as I sort things out. I also like to give myself a lot of time for this, and print out a statement from the machine at the bank, so it's current.

Take a deep breath, remind yourself that everything is ok. You are safe. You are supported and you have people who will support you and look after you. If you don't have anyone or are going to really struggle, there are always options of some kind. Keep reminding yourself of this. Repeating an affirmation in your mind can help, such as 'I am supported'.

3) Take a look

Then, when you feel safe and supported, have a look at your balance. Be prepared for any feelings that might come up. They are all valid. Even if it's excitement because you have more than you thought. If you feel sad, give yourself a minute to process it. Ground yourself to keep yourself in the situation. This is something you can cope with.

4) Adjust your spending

Calculate how much money you can spend per day, when you've taken out rent, bills, food and all other essential things. You may choose to include travel in this if you get the bus a lot. Be realistic at this point. If you know you get the bus, incorporate it in your essentials budget. If you get a cup of coffee every day, don't pretend you don't - add it to the budget!

Then calculate your left over money for the time period, and divide it by the number of days so that you have a set amount per day you can spend. This might be on social plans, birthdays, snacks, e.t.c. Now write it down clearly, and put it up somewhere - maybe your fridge or a notice board.

If you find that you do not have much money left to do things, consider cutting your essentials budget. For instance, could you walk to work instead of getting the bus? Could you cycle? Calculate the feasibility of different options and see. You could also look at things like buying cheaper foods or shopping at a different supermarket.

Here you could also look at borrowing more money if you need to, or paying back your overdraft gradually. You could also think about longer-term things like cheaper accommodation.

5) Congratulate yourself

It's important to acknowledge that you've just done something really difficult! Treat yourself with your money for that day. Having been at many places on the spectrum, I'd recommend a DVD from CEX or craft materials from Poundland if you're at the low end. You'd be surprised where you can cut costs but still be treated!

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Now enjoy your new feelings of empowerment about your money budget, and feel grateful for how much better you feel now that you're on top of things. If you're feeling inspired having read this, let me know by sharing, commenting or liking the post!

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What's the Best Path to Wellbeing?

We hear a lot of messages about wellbeing every day. 'Go to the gym!', 'have you tried meditating?' and 'run yourself a nice bath!' are all phrases you might hear from people if you ask how to reduce your stress. So how can you muddle through all this to find your own direction?

There is no one way to go. With an abundance of messages being thrown at us, it seems like the only way is to take our own path. Think of it like carving through a cornfield from one end to the other, making curves and circles as you go.

As Steve Maraboli says in Life, the Truth and Being Free:

"We have all heard that no two snowflakes are alike. Each snowflake takes the perfect form for the maximum efficiency and effectiveness for its journey. And while the universal force of gravity gives them a shared destination, the expansive space in the air gives each snowflake the opportunity to take their own path."

But where to start?

Though the idea of total freedom is full of wonderful opportunity, having no set plan to reaching your own optimum state of wellbeing can be absolutely terrifying. This is especially so in those who might not have a totally stable sense of self identity. 

The following is a list of the things you can do:

1. Do your research.
   
   Read articles online, read books, talk to people and generally find out what people think is the best way to move forward in the direction you want to go. Reading this article is already taking a step!
   
2. Take what you need and leave the rest.
   
   Many messages you hear might sit uncomfortably with you. If someone says 'eat spaghetti for two days' and you hate spaghetti, leave that one there! Spaghetti might be an easy example, but if something doesn't sit right, look at what else you can do instead.
   
3. Put yourself out there.
   
   If you have decided that doing art will help you with wellbeing, go for it. Join an art class, buy some paints, hang out with an arty friend. Take steps towards incorporating this new activity into your life. 

It can be useful to choose things by asking yourself a few basic questions, like:

• How do I feel when I do this activity?
• Does this lead me towards wellbeing? 
• Is this sustainable longer term in some way?

Another thing which might be useful while you're figuring out ways to help your wellbeing is keeping a journal - this way you can record how you feel this technique is helping you, or not, and if you have chosen to do written exercises, for example, you can do them in your journal! It is also a great tracker to look back at to see how far you have come. 

Good luck! And as always, feel free to comment, like and share!

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Take Your Lunch Break! Here's Why.

I am back from Blackpool and back on the blog, though I'm off for a birthday camping trip for the next couple of days so my blog won't be fully up and running again until Friday. Thanks for staying around and reading!

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Sometimes the idea of a lunch break at work can stretch out ahead of you. You've been given an hour and you wonder whether to take the whole hour or wander back to get on with your work. Whether it's to get home earlier or for other reasons, in this post I'll explore why you should take the full time! 

Why do some people cut it short?

This varies from person to person. I have known people who take their lunch break late because they want to get home at the end of the day faster. I've also known people who had psychological reasons for working straight through the break. Reasons vary but it is more common than you'd think.

Often lunch breaks can be spent in an unhelpful way, so I'll outline some reasons and also some things you could do to fully enjoy your lunch breaks and even enjoy your day more!

Why should I take the full hour?

1) Self respect and boundaries.

Someone who is willing to work through a break is more likely to be given the odd extra task, maybe because they don't seem to mind.

Putting the boundary in place that you expect and will take your full break will make people aware that you have firm boundaries which you respect, and in turn these boundaries will receive respect from other people.

2) Replenishing your body.

Taking your full break each day allows you to plan your meals so that they are as nutritious as possible. If you are sat at your desk for the entire day snacking, you could end up eating in a way which isn't tuned to what your body needs.

3) Replenishing your mind.

In the same way, a lunch break is a good opportunity to nourish your soul. A work break meditation helps ease the stresses of the day, ground you and prepare you to have a mindful and healthy afternoon ahead. Here is an example of a meditation you could use:

4) Better productivity.

Having better nutrition of your body and mind helps us to feel more motivated for the rest of the day. It could also lessen your brain's need for distractions, meaning your work day ahead is more focused and you are more efficient. You might even end up leaving early after all!


5) A chance to connect with colleagues.

Our lunch break is also a great chance to connect with colleagues. People have different views on whether to make friends at work, but our human need for connection means our day goes that little bit easier if we feel we can connect with those around us there.

Being able to discuss your weekend is one little reason to feel some motivation for going into work on the Monday. As Oliver Burkeman says (here):

"Sure, we're all treading the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day, but even that's preferable to each treading our own, alone."

So take your breaks! They are important for all sorts of reasons and help our work to be more enjoyable, efficient and connected. And as always, feel free to comment, like or share this post if you feel it is useful for you or others.

Image from here

How Do You Set Up For Meditating?

I was reading The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg (a really great introduction to meditation - available here) when I came across her advice for a meditating posture. For many it is easier to start with a specific posture, one of which I will outline in this post. 

Hint: it is not the position this image shows!

1) Setting

Put together a meditation area. Make it a place where you feel comfortable, warm enough and safe and where you won't be disturbed (e.g. in your bedroom). This is my meditation area in my room:

I have some favourite, meaningful cushions with a book about meditation I'm currently reading. I also have a rose quartz stone which was a gift. According to this website, rose quartz is the crystal of unconditional love, compassion, peace and more. 

It might be nice to put some books, stones, quotes and signs in your meditation area. You could write some affirmations on paper and stick them up for you to meditate on (I'll write a future post about meditating on affirmations). Make it yours - in this space you will be doing a lot of self discovery!

2) Legs

Sitting on cushions on the floor, or in a chair if you feel more comfortable, gently cross your legs. Salzberg says (and I'd agree) to cross them at the ankles and swap your legs around if you get a 'dead leg' or pins and needles! To make it more comfortable, sit raised above the ground. You can buy a special meditation cushion for this (the pictured one is available here).

You might also like to have a blanket nearby or on your legs before you practice.

3) Arms

Your arms can go in different positions - people have all sorts of preferences. Up until recently I liked to let my arms relax, with my hands face down on my thighs. Recently, I have come to like Salzberg's meditation posture, which is shown here (image from here):

So your right hand is cupped in your left hand and your thumbs are touching. 

4) Back and neck

Keep your back straight and face straight ahead. This keeps the body nice and open for easier breathing and keeps you awake if you start the meditation feeling slightly drowsy! To keep your back straight, push your shoulders back slightly and chest forwards, keeping comfortable.

5) Face

The main thing with the face is to keep it relaxed. Salzberg suggests that your teeth should be slightly apart and your lips should fall apart just enough to admit a single grain of rice. Keep your jaw nice and relaxed and your face.

Then all you have to do is switch on a guided meditation or follow your breath (I'll cover following the breath shortly in another post). Please like, share or comment if you think others might benefit!

Image from here

Making Friends with your Reflection: 4 Steps

We look at our reflections several times a day - and with the increasing popularity of the selfie, the number of times we see our own face per day is on the up. But without an awareness of the thoughts we are having when we see ourselves, this can be dangerous for our self esteem. 

Over the weekend I was lucky enough to bump into author Charlotte Reed, author of May The Thoughts Be With You, at her market stall at Portobello Road. Her book is available here and she also has a website (here). I couldn't put her book down until I'd read it all the way through, and one of her quotes really fits in with what I'm writing about in this post:

'Call yourself bad names often enough and your mind will start to believe them (luckily this also works for good names too!' - Charlotte Reed

Steps towards improving how you see your reflection:

1) Become aware of your thoughts

It is really common to hear people saying degrading things about themselves - body weight and shape, disliked bodily features and one's cleverness are all things which come under fire when talking in this way. But it is not only these out loud thoughts that need to be challenged.

The thoughts can be very subconscious, and because they are repeated a lot, often we are unaware of them. The only way things can change is if you become aware of them. Go to your bathroom mirror and see what happens. You might find it uncomfortable and thoughts might come to mind. Make a conscious effort to do this as often as you can when you see your reflection - even in shop windows.

2) Focus on different things about your body.

Instead of looking at the seemingly ceaseless pimples on your chin like normal, try something different. One way of doing this is to look at yourself in a full length mirror, naked if you feel you can, and describe your body in a completely objective way.

Start at your head and say out loud 'I have blonde hair which comes down to my shoulders. I have an oval face with tanned skin' etc. The point here is to make it objective because it takes away from the usual subjective judgement.

3) Change self-hatred to kindness.

Cheryl Richardson wrote in her book 21 Days to Master Extreme Self-Care (available here) suggests a mirror exercise to do. Every day for a month, every time you look in the mirror, say out loud 'I love you ___ (your name)'. Many who have tried this have found an internal shift happened towards self love, compared to the self hatred that often occurs in front of a mirror.

Another way to introduce kindness is to start thanking your body. If your legs are sore from walking, when you see your legs in a reflection, mentally or verbally thank them for carrying you today. If you find yourself being horrible towards your arms, then thank them for carrying your bag today.

4) Create a supportive mirror!

To help put things into perspective and encourage kindness, stick body image affirmations around your mirror. It is useful to say them out loud several times and allow yourself to feel the feelings that come with them. There are some available at this website, and to include some here:

'I am beautiful'

'I love my body'

'I am thankful for my body'

and

'I accept myself completely'

Keep your awareness of thoughts when looking at your reflection and see if things begin to shift. It is likely that they will as you realise that your body  is primarily there to support you and is only ever doing its best. Journal through this journey so you can look back at how far you have come!

Let me know how you get on in the comments section!

Image source here

Solo Cinema Going: Not Only for the Lonely!

Does the idea of sitting in a cinema seat alone scare you? All those rows of identical seats with groups of people dispersed, munching happily on popcorn in the company of their friends and family, while you try to bear it out in the hope that you won't be noticed.

What if I told you it could be really different? You could actually find it a really nurturing and self discovering experience. With Odeon's new Limitless scheme (see more here), trying this out is easier and less expensive than ever before.

Steps to doing this in a less awkward and embarrassing, more enjoyable and self-nourishing way:

Picking a cinema and film

1) Pick your cinema

This might sound fussy but it is true that some cinemas are, well, nicer than others. You probably have a couple of local ones and some have nicer seats than others, you might prefer the atmosphere in one - a whole lot of things. Pick the one that feels right for you to get a good start to the experience.

The other thing is that some cinemas are novelty cinemas. For example, open-air cinemas (check out this Time Out article), and the lovely Everyman cinemas, which have sofas and service to your seat (see their website here). There are also drive-in cinemas. You might like to check these out with friends, but you might like to check out something like Everyman on your own.

2) Pick your film

If you're nervous, start out small. Go to a film which has been out for a little while, and to the cinema at a more unusual time (say the afternoon instead of the inevitably busier evening). You'll be surprised to see who else is there at that time. The first time I went to the cinema alone, my fellow audience was two other solo viewers!

Having said that, try to see a film you're actually interested in! Spend a little while looking at the trailers on the cinema's website and getting excited about the film. After all, that's what the trip is really about.


Entering the cinema

3) Stock up on comforts.

One great thing about going alone is not having to share the snacks! Take some time to browse the snacks and listen to yourself. What do you actually want? This trip is about nurturing yourself, so if you love salty popcorn and soda, go for it!

In terms of other comforts, when I go to the cinema I like to take a blanket! This idea might be a 'no way' for you, but it's something to think about, even when you go with friends - it gets cold sometimes in those places!

4) Use the self service or book online.

This can be really helpful, especially if you're nervous. Most cinemas now have a self service machine where you can book at your own pace without being afraid that the staff member is judging you. They're probably not - after all, you're giving them something to do at this probably quiet time of the day, but for those of you who can't help but be worried, the self service checkout is a good option.

Entering the screen

5) Pick a seat.

When you've entered the cinema,  pick a seat exactly where you want it! Don't settle for a seat on the outside if you like a central view, but if you like to sit on the aisle to be able to get out if you need to, do that. The beauty of being alone is that you can tailor it to exactly how you want it.

6) Notice the adverts.

One big part of discovering self identity was, for me, looking at the adverts for films and making my own judgements on them. They are great triggers for having opinions about things, and making a conscious effort to notice your opinions helps you to engage with your inner self.

It is also really mindful watching the adverts and the film because your attention is focused on the big screen in front of you - it is rare to become distracted and if you do it is easy to bring yourself back.

Enjoy the film!

Image from here

A seven-step exercise to getting to know who you are behind the mask.

This blog post is going to be dedicated to talking about ourselves in an objective way. I think this is really important because the way you describe yourself objectively gives big clues to the way you think about yourself and how strong your sense of self-identity is. Who is the person behind the mask you present to the outside world?

What is this mask?
In the past when I have applied for jobs or studies, I have spent hours looking up on Google things like 'qualities desired in baristas'. Usually a long list will appear, looking something like:

• Team player
• Positive attitude
• Works well under pressure
• And the list goes on...

I believe that people would look up a list such as this for two main reasons:

1. They want to see if this type of job would be suitable for them.
2. They already want the job and now they need to memorise these things to show on a personal statement or at an interview that they are appropriate for the job. 

The first reason is very authentic and fits the job around the person. The second reason is learning how to adapt the outward mask the person fits on to get the things they think they want. The problem is that often behind the mask they actually do not know who they are. 

When you know yourself it is 100 times easier to nourish yourself and create the most fulfilling life ahead for yourself. It is a great feeling to be able to talk to someone about yourself and have a solid enough foundation to know whether a job or other situation is actually for you, and it helps you to take any rejection a lot less personally. 

How do I get to know who I am deep down?

This is a BIG question and takes some time. But there are things you can do to help you along the way. The main idea is to get to know as much as you can about yourself, and pay special attention when you do figure out these things. More things you can do will follow from this post because knowing one's own self identity is something I have a big passion for. One to start with is here:

1. Grab a pen and piece of paper.
2. Write about yourself as if you were looking at your life from the inside.
3. Focus on what you feel is most important to you in your life right now.
4. Use these questions for guidance. Expand if you feel you want to on any question:
1. Am I male or female or transgender? 
2. Am I currently in a relationship?
3. Do I have a job?
4. What do I want in life?
5. Which feelings come up for me most day-to-day?
6. Where can I most often be found?
5. Think of your own questions and continue writing until you feel you have written a good summary.
6. Repeat at various stages of your life because the things you like and dislike are symbols of who you are but will change. 
7. Look at the 'roots'. For example, if you are a student and you want to be a teacher, a core quality of yours might be creativity, growth or self development. See which general ideas fit to you and try and apply them to other things you like in your life. 

Image from here

Why to Get Planning a Trip to your Local National Trust Property!

I was inspired to write this after visiting my local national trust property (Ightam Mote), which I visited today. I came away feeling really spiritually at peace, and began to wonder why that building has such an effect on me. 

So this is the building which has such a peaceful effect on me. It is set in beautiful gardens where I have visited a series of times over my life:

Through all the ups and downs in my life, this place has been preserved and has stayed exactly the same. The bricks on the walls surrounding the mote have kept the same texture, the creaky wooden floors inside the property have made the same sounds as my feet have walked across it, and the light shines in and creates shadows through the same windows. 

This timeless, unchanging aspect of the building reminds me of nature and why I find it grounding. No matter what is happening in my life or in my head, nature remains constant. It is extremely reliable, and the way I think and feel when looking at it changes but can always bring me back to my centre point. 

Nature is also generally very well-loved, and looking at the careful placement of flowers in gardens  reminds me of the amazingness of love. How it is always around in some capacity and can be sought out when needed. Walking around Ightam Mote, this same sense of love for the building can be detected as you go past light sensors, ’no touch’ signs and doting volunteers.

“We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us.” 

- Winston Churchill

Interestingly, Churchill himself found Ightam Mote to be a spiritual retreat, and after going through a difficult time in his life he came to visit and painted this picture, which hangs at the property today:

So even though National Trust properties might remind you of boring days as a child, it might be spiritually refreshing to spend a while looking around one, on your own or with someone you love. If you’re lucky enough to live near Ightam Mote, even better!

Feel free to share and/or comment if you found this interesting or insightful :)

Image 1 from here

Ightam Mote's website here

Ways to Ground Yourself

What is grounding?

This website describes grounding as:

'a technique that helps keep someone in the present. They help reorient a person to the here-and-now and in reality. Grounding skills can be helpful in managing overhelming feelings or intense anxiety. They help someone to regain their mental focus from an often intensely emotional state.'

When your mind's getting carried off by your thoughts, you can spend whole minutes in your mind instead of where you actually are. A good way of coming back to the present moment is by grounding yourself. It is a form of mindfulness where textures, smells, sights, sounds and tastes can bring you back into the present fast. 

There are a number of techniques for grounding yourself. Some of my favourites:

• Rubbing your hands together.
• Taking a deep breath or several.
• Putting both of your feet on the floor.
• Rubbing your arms. 
• A sensory box (this website has some ideas).

Also popular is the 54321 game (see here):

1. Name 5 things you can see in the room.
2. Name 4 things you can feel (e.g. chair on my back).
3. Name 3 things you can hear right now.
4. Name 2 things you can smell right now (or things you like the smell of)
5. Name 1 good thing about yourself.

Grounding is less about clearing the mind and more about noticing when the mind is getting carried away and bringing it back to where you are. It is also a great way to connect with nature and as the word 'grounding' suggests, many people feel their most grounded when they are with nature - walking barefoot in grass or holding their arms around a tree. 

I'd encourage you to share your experiences in the comment section :)

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EFT: The Releasing of Feelings

EFT stands for emotional freedom technique. It is hard to explain how it works but it is useful to give it a go if you are experiencing strong feelings in your body. This is something I was introduced to over two years ago and honestly don't use all that often, but tonight I gave it a go and I think I may do more often. 

I am also an advocate for feeling our feelings, so I use EFT more as a mindfulness technique. To feel the feeling in my body, ground myself through the tapping itself and also to practice self-love because I enjoy the feeling of treating myself. However, I'd encourage you to give it a go and see what meaning you can find in it for yourself :)

Give the video a watch here!