Transformation Cannot Be a Checklist

This post came fairly naturally. After a month of lots of deadlines I wanted to write up a new post. So.. the topic is trauma processing, recovery and checklists. It's becoming quite common to find yourself at a low point, bogged down by past experiences. So how is it best to get going and maintain a good recovery and way of life?

For myself, any change coming up is often accompanied by a mental checklist. I'm going on a trip. I need these things. I'm cooking a meal. I need these things. I'm grieving a loss. I will go through these things and will need these things. I think this is fairly common.

Now imagine you've started a life transformation. You ask around for advice, or go on the internet, and you're told 'it's a process'. Transformation is a process, in that it takes time and there are many stages. It might be tempting to look at it as a list, or look at your issues as a list. For example:

• Sort out sleeping pattern.
• Stop smoking.
• Go to the gym. 
• Eat healthily.
• Talk about my problems.
• Get over x, y and z trauma.
• Be left with a 'clearer' life. 

This is a great way to see where you're at. However, in looking at it as a way to guide your process, there could be some problems:

1. Can feel never ending.
   Having a long list of tasks in front of you can be overwhelming. The truth is, we are growing constantly through our lives, making mistakes and trying to make the right decisions. Sometimes that means making the wrong ones.
   
   This means that even if you make a list and get through it, more can always be added. That feeling of completion you are striving for will never be reached.
   .
2. Lack of recognition for other achievements.
   Like a dog chasing a bone on a stick, you will miss the little achievements you're making if you're constantly looking forward for the next one. Transformation requires recognising all the steps you're making, even the tiny ones.
   .
3. Makes it about control.
   Releasing past experiences and traumas and their effects on your daily life is about letting go of control. It's about accepting all the emotions that come with kindness and toleration. Sometimes a list can create impatience, and if your recovery goes 'off track' it can leave you feeling very lost.
   
   As humans we crave for the world and our experiences to make sense. In recovery you will come across lots of unexpected bumps and hurdles - unexpected emotions or experiences. Having a mental (or physical) list often does not allow for these, which is what's needed.

That is not to say that lists can't be helpful. They are great starting points, and good for showing you where you're at. This is why workbooks, such as CBT books, often use tables where you write your current thoughts down, and where you want to get to. 

However, the general message is that letting go of your list as needed is very important. Notice when you're feeling like you're 'off track' from your list, and be accepting of that. Because true transformation is about accepting yourself unconditionally, whether you're on track or not.

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CBT: Life as an Optical Illusion

We're all familiar with optical illusions. Whether it's two heads or a vase, a young or an old woman, or straight lines which appear to bend, it is clear that our brains can be tricked into seeing things differently to how they actually appear. 

Over the last week, I've been thinking about how our brains, in a similar way, interpret peoples' comments differently to how they were intended. 

When you stare at the top of the elephant, your brain might see four legs with the feet underneath. This is not actually the case when you look at the feet, but your brain tries to add new information to create a picture it makes sense of.

This also happens when people say things to us. For example:

Nick is showing Jo around his house. He recently added a new TV to his wall, which he believes is too big for the space. When she sees the TV, Jo comments: 'Wow, that's a big TV!'. 

To break this down, 

1. Jo's intentions
• To make conversation.
• To show Nick she cares about what he's showing her.
• To show she is impressed with the size of his TV. 
2. Nick's thoughts
• 'She thinks it's too big for that wall'
• 'I should've bought a different size'
• 'She probably thinks I'm a technology-obsessed idiot'

You might notice some differences between what Nick thinks Jo thought, and her actual thoughts. If he hadn't already been thinking about his unhappiness at the size of the TV, his assumptions might have been different when he heard the comment. 

So why is this important?

In my experience, the biggest cause of drama and fallings out in friendships and relationships is miscommunication. When words are taken to mean more than they actually do, this causes problems. For instance, negative effects on Nick might be:

• Negative beliefs about himself may be strengthened.
• Might spend money he doesn't have on a new TV.
• May lower his self esteem.

All of these consequences might have been avoided had Nick had a closer look at his thoughts.

How can my thoughts change?

I believe that thoughts are very automatic. It is hard to change which thoughts actually come up, but it is beneficial to become aware of them and challenge them where you can. Next time a relative or friend says a comment to you, try these steps, which have helped me in my relationships:

1. Become aware of your thoughts.
• Write them down if you can. 
• This is in an observational, not a judgemental way. If you find yourself thinking 'I shouldn't be thinking this', try to push past it and write it down as if you were observing the results of an experiment. 
2. Rationalise
• In a column next to your thoughts, write next to each one the likelihood of it being true. Argue as if you were a lawyer prosecuting your thoughts (excuse the law references, I've been watching Suits avidly this week!).
• What would the person's intentions be? The likelihood is, they are not being malicious.
• How do these intentions differ from how you're feeling? Note the difference. Circle it, highlight it. Doodle all over the page. 
3. Be kind to yourself 
• Lots of things will come up. Take them as they come and congratulate yourself for being insightful into how you feel. 
• Treat yourself - a new journal to do this written process is always a nice idea when you're going into so much detail :)
4. Change things
• If you believe this person is actually commenting in a malicious way, do what you can to remove that person from your life. 
• If the person is not removable, for instance a close family member, then come up with some coping methods - can you spend less time around them? Or avoid certain topics of conversation?
• Voice yourself. If you feel they are being unfair and it is in their interest to know this, let them know how you feel about what they just said. 

Just as when you see an optical illusion, question what you're understanding about situations so you can get a more authentic view of what's really going on. This process is not dissimilar to CBT workbooks, such as this one you can buy from Amazon (link here).

Let me know how you get on in the comments :)

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How Do You Set Up For Meditating?

I was reading The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg (a really great introduction to meditation - available here) when I came across her advice for a meditating posture. For many it is easier to start with a specific posture, one of which I will outline in this post. 

Hint: it is not the position this image shows!

1) Setting

Put together a meditation area. Make it a place where you feel comfortable, warm enough and safe and where you won't be disturbed (e.g. in your bedroom). This is my meditation area in my room:

I have some favourite, meaningful cushions with a book about meditation I'm currently reading. I also have a rose quartz stone which was a gift. According to this website, rose quartz is the crystal of unconditional love, compassion, peace and more. 

It might be nice to put some books, stones, quotes and signs in your meditation area. You could write some affirmations on paper and stick them up for you to meditate on (I'll write a future post about meditating on affirmations). Make it yours - in this space you will be doing a lot of self discovery!

2) Legs

Sitting on cushions on the floor, or in a chair if you feel more comfortable, gently cross your legs. Salzberg says (and I'd agree) to cross them at the ankles and swap your legs around if you get a 'dead leg' or pins and needles! To make it more comfortable, sit raised above the ground. You can buy a special meditation cushion for this (the pictured one is available here).

You might also like to have a blanket nearby or on your legs before you practice.

3) Arms

Your arms can go in different positions - people have all sorts of preferences. Up until recently I liked to let my arms relax, with my hands face down on my thighs. Recently, I have come to like Salzberg's meditation posture, which is shown here (image from here):

So your right hand is cupped in your left hand and your thumbs are touching. 

4) Back and neck

Keep your back straight and face straight ahead. This keeps the body nice and open for easier breathing and keeps you awake if you start the meditation feeling slightly drowsy! To keep your back straight, push your shoulders back slightly and chest forwards, keeping comfortable.

5) Face

The main thing with the face is to keep it relaxed. Salzberg suggests that your teeth should be slightly apart and your lips should fall apart just enough to admit a single grain of rice. Keep your jaw nice and relaxed and your face.

Then all you have to do is switch on a guided meditation or follow your breath (I'll cover following the breath shortly in another post). Please like, share or comment if you think others might benefit!

Image from here

6 Myths About Meditation.

Today I signed up for meditation teacher training! So I thought I'd share a little on my blog about six common myths about meditation:

1. 'My mind's just too busy to meditate'
Meditation is perfect for people who can't seem to clear their mind! Not just because advanced meditators might find it easier to clear their mind, but because every human brain is busy, and that is what meditation works with. It is about learning when the mind is going off on track, or off on a tangent, and bringing it back to a centre point. The more you think this happens, the more you have to work with!

2. 'It takes years of practice to reap the benefits'
The most experienced meditators come back to meditation for the benefit it provides day-to-day, rather than an accumulative build up. You can start feeling the benefits during your first meditation - someone who has just started finding their feet in the practice receives many more benefits than a person with the most vast meditating experience who is not practicing.

3. I don't have enough time

This video is proof that you can bring meditation into your life in just two minute bursts if you really feel that's all you have time for! Longer practices can easily be slotted into an adapted routine - you could get up 10 minutes earlier, or you can even do a sleep meditation as you are falling asleep!

4. It's for the religious
The only difference between you and a deeply religious person is your beliefs. The religious person still has the same skeleton, the same bodily functions, probably the same material things. As long as you are able to be aware of your body in some capacity (for instance, being aware of your breath), you can meditate just as rewardingly as someone with religious beliefs!

5. I tried it once and it wasn't for me
How good meditation feels varies hugely between practices. There might have been circumstances which meant you didn't have a great practice - all sorts of things can affect it. I'd advise to keep trying different meditation techniques (different guided meditations or different teachers) until you feel comfortable in the class. Just looking at this article shows that a part of you is intrigued! 

6. I can't sit cross legged
Meditation can be done in any comfortable position - one of my favourite positions is lying down in bed! 

“Meditation is realizing and expanding your inner beauty in every direction.” 

― Amit Ray

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