To The Bone: An Honest Review

I don't usually write reviews, but I feel that Netflix' new addition To The Bone has been causing a stir among the mental health community, especially the eating disorder community. Having watched it last night I wanted to share my views because I know people apprehensive about watching it will want to know as much as they can without actually watching. There may be spoilers ahead!!

Summary

Ellen is a 20 year old artist and drop-out college student who lives with her father, stepmother and stepsister. With a largely absent father and a history of inpatient stays and struggles with anorexia, Ellen is convinced by her stepmother and stepsister to see a specialist, Dr William Beckham. He agrees to treat her on certain conditions, including a minimum of 6 weeks as an inpatient. Once she arrives at the house with 6 other patients, including 1 male patient Luke, she makes some progress but struggles greatly as success at the programme requires an existing wish and commitment to recover. After becoming close with Luke but being freaked out by his desire for further intimacy and the pregnant patient Megan having a miscarriage, Ellen (who by this point has changed her name to Eli) decides to run away, despite pleads from Luke to stay.

She then leaves for Phoenix where her mother lives with her girlfriend. That evening her mother admits her guilt and apologies over Ellen's anorexia, and a beautiful-to-watch moment happens where her mother actually feeds her with a bottle to show her the love she wished she'd given to her as a child. Following that evening Ellen goes for a walk, collapses from her illness and has a dream/hallucination sequence (is she dying?) where Luke tells her to come out of the sun and have a talk. He tells her how dazzling she is and they have a nice conversation. When she wakes up she decides to enrol back onto the inpatient programme with Dr Beckham and we see her last hugs with her stepmother and sister as she walks into the centre looking hopeful and ready to recover.

The controversy:

1. UK eating disorder charity Beat released a statement about To The Bone yesterday, stating that they are disappointed that Ellen's family were shown to be the main cause of her eating disorder. As they said: 'eating disorders are complex with no one single cause'.
2. In the same statement, Beat warned that 'There's a strong likelihood that people who have been affected by eating disorders would find the film highly distressing or triggering' due to talk of calories, weight, behaviours and images of Ellen at a low weight.
3.  One line of controversy comes from this article by the Guardian. One of their issues comes from the lack of demographic representation: 'All the anorexia patients, with one male exception, are young, attractive, middle-class white women, when the illness affects a far broader demographic'.
4. Another issue comes from the same article regarding Dr Beckham who describes his methods as unconventional. On this, the article writes that 'they're not: they rely on therapy and healthy eating, as almost all eating-disorder treatments do'.
   
5. Ellen's relations to Dr Beckham and also fellow patient Luke are brought into the spotlight of many articles which imply that the two males are her knights in shining armour. As the same article from the Guardian writes: 'The idea that all these hysterical female anorexia patients need is a couple of calm men to save them from themselves is, to put it mildly, grating'
6. There are also concerns about the depiction of anorexia, as Ellen wears thick eyeliner. Hadley Freeman writes from her own experiences that 'anorexia is not all thigh gaps and eyeliner', but rather hair falling out, coldness and bleeding knuckles due to dry skin.

My point of view:

I disagree with a lot of the controversial points above. For example:

1. Beat's view that Ellen's anorexia is shown to have one single cause: her family. It is true that her family dynamics play a huge part in the movie, but she also has a conversation with Luke where she describes entering puberty: 'The second you get boobs, it's like open season'. This NHS page describes one of the causes of anorexia as the 'hormonal changes and feelings of stress, anxiety and low self-esteem during puberty', as well as sexual abuse. What Ellen experienced with boys nipple-pinching her during puberty sounds like it would have caused some stress, anxiety and may have been a form of sexual abuse, whether intended or not.
2. The lack of demographic issue discussed by The Guardian may well be right, but to be surrounded by white, middle-class women in an inpatient facility is definitely not unusual, at least according to my experience. Sadly, in cultures and genders where eating disorders are less common it is less common to ask for help, linking to why they might not be seen where Ellen is (especially as this appears to be a private facility where people would be paying or covered by insurance for help). So it may not be demographically correct but it is probably reality.
3. In my view, Dr Beckham's methods are unconventional. To have choice over how much you eat in inpatient is very unusual, as well as having minimal supervision at meal times. Usually there is an 'eat what's on your plate' rule with a nurse watching you, even if is a less hospital-like environment such as Ellen's facility. This is certainly unconventional, as well as their random trip to the art exhibition, which seemed well-thought-out. Often trips out are for people much later in their treatment and are usually decided by the patient or to fellowship meetings or food outings, rather than a group trip to somewhere unique.
4. Dr Beckham - he may be a little annoying because he does come across quite smug and all-knowing. In fact, I think he puts Ellen at risk later in the film when he allows her to leave without being stopped so she can reach her 'rock bottom'. In real life at this point she would probably have been sectioned. But to give him credit, he does show genuine care. And to say that him and Luke are solely responsible for her readiness for recovery is just ridiculous. Everyone changes at their own rate and what causes Ellen's change in attitude is her rock-bottom experience for which nor Dr Beckham or Luke were actually present. 
5. Depiction of anorexia - yes it is true that Ellen wears eye-liner for most of the film. But I think we need to cut the film makers and costume designers some slack! Having an actress in make up and then reducing that level of makeup to coincide with the character's decline in physical and emotional state is a very common tool employed. At the end of the film due to her reduction in makeup, Ellen's appearance as someone very unwell is believable.

What I didn't like about the film:

• Luke is seen as very good for Ellen, because he is the only one who seems to have any kind of influence over her behaviours. But when Ellen leaves and he says to her that he 'needs' her, alarm bells rang for me. Perhaps this was to elicit emotion from the viewer, but it is a sign of real illness and codependence from him. If he is one of her more rational guides to recovery, despite still being unwell, I don't see why this bit had to be added in. 
• Talk of calories and weight. This seems to be a given for a film about anorexia but I don't think it has to be. I think it could have been made more accessible to all audiences, including those with eating disorders, if that had been skipped. Though then critics would probably have attacked the film saying it is a poor depiction of anorexia!
• The inpatient house is a little unrealistic. Part of a healthy community within inpatient is to actually encourage the 'snitching on' of patients who are acting out. There is no way you'd find a bag of vomit under someone's bed and not at least feel compelled to tell someone. That said, perhaps it's a sign of how unwell Ellen really is at this point.
• I did feel a little like the movie was cut short. But I think audiences have to understand that the film is not about her recovery. It is about a change in mindset which allows her to approach recovery with the commitments she needs for her own health.

In all, a great film if you remember that it's not trying to depict Ellen's entire recovery journey. It pulled me in emotionally and will strike familiarity with anyone who's experienced an eating disorder and its effects on yourself and your friends and family. 

Image from here
If you wish to watch To The Bone, it is available on Netflix.

Transformation Cannot Be a Checklist

This post came fairly naturally. After a month of lots of deadlines I wanted to write up a new post. So.. the topic is trauma processing, recovery and checklists. It's becoming quite common to find yourself at a low point, bogged down by past experiences. So how is it best to get going and maintain a good recovery and way of life?

For myself, any change coming up is often accompanied by a mental checklist. I'm going on a trip. I need these things. I'm cooking a meal. I need these things. I'm grieving a loss. I will go through these things and will need these things. I think this is fairly common.

Now imagine you've started a life transformation. You ask around for advice, or go on the internet, and you're told 'it's a process'. Transformation is a process, in that it takes time and there are many stages. It might be tempting to look at it as a list, or look at your issues as a list. For example:

• Sort out sleeping pattern.
• Stop smoking.
• Go to the gym. 
• Eat healthily.
• Talk about my problems.
• Get over x, y and z trauma.
• Be left with a 'clearer' life. 

This is a great way to see where you're at. However, in looking at it as a way to guide your process, there could be some problems:

1. Can feel never ending.
   Having a long list of tasks in front of you can be overwhelming. The truth is, we are growing constantly through our lives, making mistakes and trying to make the right decisions. Sometimes that means making the wrong ones.
   
   This means that even if you make a list and get through it, more can always be added. That feeling of completion you are striving for will never be reached.
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2. Lack of recognition for other achievements.
   Like a dog chasing a bone on a stick, you will miss the little achievements you're making if you're constantly looking forward for the next one. Transformation requires recognising all the steps you're making, even the tiny ones.
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3. Makes it about control.
   Releasing past experiences and traumas and their effects on your daily life is about letting go of control. It's about accepting all the emotions that come with kindness and toleration. Sometimes a list can create impatience, and if your recovery goes 'off track' it can leave you feeling very lost.
   
   As humans we crave for the world and our experiences to make sense. In recovery you will come across lots of unexpected bumps and hurdles - unexpected emotions or experiences. Having a mental (or physical) list often does not allow for these, which is what's needed.

That is not to say that lists can't be helpful. They are great starting points, and good for showing you where you're at. This is why workbooks, such as CBT books, often use tables where you write your current thoughts down, and where you want to get to. 

However, the general message is that letting go of your list as needed is very important. Notice when you're feeling like you're 'off track' from your list, and be accepting of that. Because true transformation is about accepting yourself unconditionally, whether you're on track or not.

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A Letter From One Woman to Another

Today on the train I saw a lady closely reading an article entitled 'How to lose belly fat'. So I decided to write her an unsent letter:

To the woman on the train,

I see you reading. Scouring the words to find the secret so many women crave. Your eyes move across the lines of letters and you relate them to parts of you. 

You think about your daily routine: the cup of coffee you have in the morning, the minutes you spend gazing out at the nature in your garden. The time you spend organising your bag before you leave. You wonder if you can cut those things out to run up and down the stairs a few times.

The article encourages you to make a decision to cut out the coffee-making. That hot chocolate before bed can be cut out too. Get up before 6am for best results. I see you open your phone and set an alarm in a moment of motivation, motivated by hatred for the fat on your body.

But the problem is, the words on the page are very limited. They only go as far as 800 or so words, when 1000 more could explain to you so much more. The morning gazing is part of wonder - part of enjoying your surroundings and giving you happiness. 

The sorting of your bag in the morning helps you to have everything you need for the day. The hot chocolate in the evening warms you up, comforts you and soothes your body into a long sleep. That 6am wake up call will cut your sleep short to 7 hours. Your long sleeps help you to be well-rested throughout the day. It will mean an hour less to cuddle your boyfriend.

Before you start making these decisions, think about what you are sacrificing. The feelings and life energy you get from your daily routine are more important than any results you could get from losing inches of belly fat. You are considering taking away from your personality to lose your body weight.

If you treat yourself well and give yourself what you need, and don't sacrifice this for a self-conscious need, you will be happier than the happiness weight loss could give you. If you were at risk of health problems at your weight, perhaps to treat yourself better would mean to change your lifestyle. 

But this also would be in the name of self-love, and looking at you it does not apply even slightly. Especially because you are looking for this advice in a flimsy magazine rather than from a health professional. 

I hope that one day you can realise this; that one day you will simply flick past weight loss articles in magazines. Maybe one day you will see someone else reading an article. Perhaps it will be a woman on a train. 

And perhaps you will realise how far you have come as you find your mind filling up with sadness. Sadness that someone would even consider depriving themselves of their self-loving routine when that is what is so beautiful about them. And that is what gives them their glow - it is nothing to do with their weight. 

All the best
A woman who once read these articles on trains. 

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Keeping Your Life on the Move

A wise woman once told me:

'In every situation you have two choices. You can either change it or accept it.'

This quote is a great guide for me when I feel unhappy in a situation. For instance, with people. If you're finding someone irritating you can either accept the irritation or change the situation, e.g. by trying to spend less time with them. But how do you know when a situation is unacceptable for you?

You may have come across the Serenity Prayer:

It seems simple. Accept what you cannot change and have the courage to change what you can. The issue comes when you find it hard to know when a situation should be accepted or changed - the wisdom part. To make this clearer, I'll use examples:

A situation is unacceptable when:

1. It is illegal
   
   Situation: your boss asks you to work a long shift without a break.
   Choices: accept this (work without a break) or change it.
   Wisdom: this is illegal, and therefore needs to be changed.
   Action: demand a break.
   
2. It puts you in danger
   
   Situation: you drop your phone onto a train line.
   Choices: accept this (accept it is dangerous for you to try to retrieve it and ask for help) or change it (reach onto the track to retrieve it).
   Wisdom: I would be endangering my life to pick this up.
   Action: Ask a train station staff member for help and advice. 

With these examples, it seems easy deciding which action to take (or not take). Sometimes, it isn't so easy to decide what to do. For example:

• Situation: your boss asks you to work late. 
• Choices: accept it (and arrive late to the party you planned to go to) or change it (say no). 
• Wisdom: If I accept, I will be late. If I change this situation, I can go but my boss won't be happy. 
• Action: What's most important to you? Take that action. 

The most important thing is that you take one of those steps, either accepting or changing where you are. A lot of the time, people try to do both. For instance, becoming increasingly frustrated at someone because they're not doing what you want them to do. Accepting could ease that frustration, or acting could mean a change in their behaviour. 

Either way, making a decision helps you to keep moving, rather than getting stuck in cycles of resentment and frustration. And don't forget that accepting a situation is a decision in itself! Ever seen this quote by Einstein?

In terms of making the right or wrong decision (a future blog post on this will happen!), Susan Jeffers wrote a chapter in Feel the Fear and do it Anyway (available here). She says that every decision you make is a no-lose decision. Whichever path you choose will lead you down a path full of opportunities and things to enjoy. So give her chapter a read when you're afraid of making the wrong decision!

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Internet Connection, Cafes and Crack Cocaine

It’s a hot day, I’m sat on an uncomfortable leather seat in a local Caffe Nero, becoming increasingly frustrated that I am unable to connect my laptop to ‘The Cloud’. This isn’t the first time I’ve moved house and been without wifi for over a week, and it isn’t the first time I’ve taken to tracking down wifi in the cafes of where I live. 

Having realised I will go to these lengths to connect up to invisible wavelengths travelling through the sky, I can only think of comparing my actions to those of a drug addict. In drug addictions, you will often hear that people will go to great length to get a fix. For example, 

• Spending large amounts of money
• Travelling great distances
• Isolating themselves

All of these behaviours are risky, and can lead to consequences known and accepted by the addict. Addiction is generally thought to be a form of insanity, where insanity can be defined as:

Very foolish or unreasonable (definition from here)

I consider our world to be largely addicted to the internet. I consider myself to be fairly representative of people of my generation, and know others my age who would agree that, at least after some time of being internet deprived, they would:

1. Spend money to connect.
   
   Think of all of the wifi packages you have bought in hotels when abroad. What would life be without the ability to share a photo of your legs by the pool on Instagram or Snapchat? Not only this, but when I moved into my wifi-less house, I considered paying out to connect to BT Wifi with FON, just to be able to go online.
   
2. Travel distances.
   
   The example of me travelling into town to connect to the wifi in a cafe is how I know I would travel at least some distance to get my ‘fix’ of internet. And in hotels without wifi in the rooms I have often found myself carrying my laptop, as if on some addiction-driven autopilot, to the wifi lounge.
   
3. Isolate themselves.
   
   This one hardly needs explanation. I remember when I became a teenager and got social media. I would spend hours in my bedroom on Bebo, Facebook or Twitter, or chatting to friends on MSN. I spent time away from family, and because of the increased ability to talk to friends online, I also believe I spent less time with them in real life. 

These are all acts which can be foolish or unreasonable. For example, spending money you don't have, can be a step towards causing yourself financial problems, and can be seen as foolish. It is also not the most 

• Have goals 
  
  Know what you want to do before you open up your laptop. This will reduce time and mean you spend less time aimlessly looking at things. If you love to have an aimless wonder, set a time limit for your time online.
  
• Use your phone for communication
  
  Use your phone as a main means of communication - text people, iMessage, use Whatsapp and call people, but try to avoid using the internet browser on your phone if you can. It leaves more room for mindless browsing which can go on for hours.
  
• Find a creative hobby
  
  Have you ever been so busy doing something that you forgot to check your phone or Facebook for hours? These are the best kinds of hobbies. Try something creative like painting, drawing or journalling. You could also try getting a playstation or xbox! Spend time working on your life outside of the internet. It sounds ridiculous but you will see the benefits fast.

So will I be switching off my wifi only to turn it on for contacting people? Probably not. In fact, definitely not. For the time being, my trusty phone will be providing me with cellular data for contacting people and doing the odd bit of (definitely) inessential web browsing. 

Maybe it has become the norm to be a little bit insane, but it doesn't mean you can't take some steps to make sure you have a life off-screen.

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5 Reasons to Follow Book Recommendations

I rarely read books. I don't know if it's because my university course requires quite a bit of reading, or whether it's because I currently have about 10 unfinished books on the go, but actually reading a book from start to finish is something I do about four to five times a year.

It's not that I don't enjoy my style of reading. The feeling I get from finishing a book is especially great when it's a somewhat rare accomplishment. But it got me thinking: what's so special about the books I read to the end? 

I enjoy all types of books, especially thrillers and crime novels, and the books I get halfway through are certainly not bad reads, but the main difference is that books I finish have usually been recommended to me by somebody.

So why? 

Why is it so much easier for me to finish a book that's been recommended to me? Well, I've come up with a few reasons:

1. Accountability
   Being recommended a book gives you some kind of accountability. Once you've told the recommender that you have a copy you intend to read, they are bound to follow up later with some questions about how you're finding it. For people who struggle to finish books, this can be a good way of keeping yourself motivated through the many pages.
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2. Sharing in their passion
   When the recommender tells you about the book, their passion for it will probably show. When I was recommended The Lie Tree (link to buy here), the lady who recommended it at the book shop talked about it with so much passion that I could feel it and see the glow in her eyes. This passion then transferred to me once I had read the book.
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3. Bringing you closer
   When you see someone's passion for something and experience it yourself, it can bring you closer to that person. Reading their recommendation may also lead to you spending more time with them and discussing the book with them, which can bring you closer as well.
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4. Passing it on
   When I had finished The Lie Tree and felt passionate about it, I recommended it onto about 3 other people. If they all read it and passed it onto more people, then it would be read by a lot more people than if the recommender had not shared it with me. It's a snowball effect where the more we follow recommendations and give them, the more the book is read.
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5. People to discuss it with 
   And the more the book is read, the more people you have to discuss the book with. There's nothing better than finishing a great book and having someone you can phone or meet with to have a good chat about it. 

Things to help you follow and give recommendations more:

• Joining a reading group
  There are many reading groups which meet once or twice a month, usually at libraries or similar places. There you can read a book in the knowledge that everyone in the group is reading it, and you have somewhere to discuss it for a dedicated hour!
• Giving away your books
  Instead of letting your finished books build up on your already-overcrowded bookshelf, try passing it on. Carry it in your bag next time you're meeting a friend, and suggest it. If they like the sound of the book you can whip it out of your bag and they can get started straight away!

Of course, this recommendations idea doesn't just apply to books. It also applies to other things like where to go on days out, films to watch, theatre productions, and the list goes on. My recommendation for you readers is The Lie Tree because it's the first book I had read so avidly since I was a young teenage reader! 

I love fiction books - see my writing about how they help recovery on the Biblio website at this link. Let me know how you get on as usual in the comments, shares and likes! 

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CBT: Life as an Optical Illusion

We're all familiar with optical illusions. Whether it's two heads or a vase, a young or an old woman, or straight lines which appear to bend, it is clear that our brains can be tricked into seeing things differently to how they actually appear. 

Over the last week, I've been thinking about how our brains, in a similar way, interpret peoples' comments differently to how they were intended. 

When you stare at the top of the elephant, your brain might see four legs with the feet underneath. This is not actually the case when you look at the feet, but your brain tries to add new information to create a picture it makes sense of.

This also happens when people say things to us. For example:

Nick is showing Jo around his house. He recently added a new TV to his wall, which he believes is too big for the space. When she sees the TV, Jo comments: 'Wow, that's a big TV!'. 

To break this down, 

1. Jo's intentions
• To make conversation.
• To show Nick she cares about what he's showing her.
• To show she is impressed with the size of his TV. 
2. Nick's thoughts
• 'She thinks it's too big for that wall'
• 'I should've bought a different size'
• 'She probably thinks I'm a technology-obsessed idiot'

You might notice some differences between what Nick thinks Jo thought, and her actual thoughts. If he hadn't already been thinking about his unhappiness at the size of the TV, his assumptions might have been different when he heard the comment. 

So why is this important?

In my experience, the biggest cause of drama and fallings out in friendships and relationships is miscommunication. When words are taken to mean more than they actually do, this causes problems. For instance, negative effects on Nick might be:

• Negative beliefs about himself may be strengthened.
• Might spend money he doesn't have on a new TV.
• May lower his self esteem.

All of these consequences might have been avoided had Nick had a closer look at his thoughts.

How can my thoughts change?

I believe that thoughts are very automatic. It is hard to change which thoughts actually come up, but it is beneficial to become aware of them and challenge them where you can. Next time a relative or friend says a comment to you, try these steps, which have helped me in my relationships:

1. Become aware of your thoughts.
• Write them down if you can. 
• This is in an observational, not a judgemental way. If you find yourself thinking 'I shouldn't be thinking this', try to push past it and write it down as if you were observing the results of an experiment. 
2. Rationalise
• In a column next to your thoughts, write next to each one the likelihood of it being true. Argue as if you were a lawyer prosecuting your thoughts (excuse the law references, I've been watching Suits avidly this week!).
• What would the person's intentions be? The likelihood is, they are not being malicious.
• How do these intentions differ from how you're feeling? Note the difference. Circle it, highlight it. Doodle all over the page. 
3. Be kind to yourself 
• Lots of things will come up. Take them as they come and congratulate yourself for being insightful into how you feel. 
• Treat yourself - a new journal to do this written process is always a nice idea when you're going into so much detail :)
4. Change things
• If you believe this person is actually commenting in a malicious way, do what you can to remove that person from your life. 
• If the person is not removable, for instance a close family member, then come up with some coping methods - can you spend less time around them? Or avoid certain topics of conversation?
• Voice yourself. If you feel they are being unfair and it is in their interest to know this, let them know how you feel about what they just said. 

Just as when you see an optical illusion, question what you're understanding about situations so you can get a more authentic view of what's really going on. This process is not dissimilar to CBT workbooks, such as this one you can buy from Amazon (link here).

Let me know how you get on in the comments :)

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Underneath the Anger of a 'Remain' Voter

The EU referendum result has come as a shock to many, especially to the 48.1% of people who voted to remain. Following the result, my Facebook newsfeed has been filled with posts of rage. Anger-fuelled arguments between remain and leave voters are slowly dying down but are still happening.

Why do I feel so angry?

As written on this website, anger is often called a 'secondary emotion', because we turn to it to 'protect ourselves from or cover up other vulnerable feelings'. We might also feel:

• Afraid
• Attacked
• Offended
• Disrespected
• Forced
• Trapped
• Pressured

Anger as a secondary emotion is really common. For instance, if I feel hurt because someone says something rude to me, I might go from hurt to anger and respond in anger.

Why does this happen?

This is a natural response. To show that we feel hurt by something, especially when we feel vulnerable, might lead to further hurt. Therefore to protect ourselves and still feel we have expressed our unhappiness, turning to anger serves us a purpose. 

However, this can be unhealthy. Imagine a workplace where your boss is under a lot of pressure. If this comes out as anger towards the rest of the team (which is actually quite common), this can have negative effects on the staff - their welfare and in terms of the business, less efficiency.

How about the EU referendum results?

From a more detailed analysis of our reactions, there are a number of things coming up (at least amongst the people I know) - people feel:

• Unheard
• Divided
• Scared

Personally, I am scared of:

• The split between British people and their opinions causing tensions within the UK. 
• The uncertainty as to what will happen to EU national students living in the UK.
• Uncertainties about my future ability to work or live abroad within the EU.
• Economic damage to the UK and my personal finances being affected by this - what will happen when I want to get onto the property ladder in a few years?
• Issues with national security - I am afraid of the idea of my safety being compromised. 

Writing down this list brought up a lot of fear for me. Fear is a difficult feeling, and to make it easier it could all be condensed into an angry statement like this:

"I just can't believe that people would be so stupid as to vote out!"

But this seems to have jumped a little. And though it might be natural to feel angry, it is worth looking into your feelings of anger to find out what is underneath them. After all, if half of the country is angry at the other half, this could cause tensions, and even violence, (which is one of my personal fears about leaving the EU!). 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that taking our anger at face value can have severe implications, and to be honest about the feelings underneath might be new, but can defuse our anger and lead to a more practical approach to what is going to come next for the UK, rather than anger-fuelled tensions.

As always, feel free to like, comment and share! :)

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The 5 Natural Stages of Grief

Have you ever lost someone? The kind of loss I'll be talking about in this post is not only when a close relative passes away. Loss could be breaking up with a partner, grieving the loss of a partner or person years ago, losing an inspirational person (e.g. when a loved celebrity dies), leaving education, losing your job. We experience loss a lot more than we think we do. So how can we best deal with it?

There are five main stages of grief, as defined by a lady called Elisabeth Kubler-Ross from Switzerland. She outlined them as follows:

1) Denial

The first main stage, which helps us to survive the loss. The world becomes meaningless and life doesn't seem to make sense as we go into a kind of shock. Days blur into one another and our goals are about getting through each day. This allows for the pacing of feelings, and only enough feelings are let in that we can handle. 

2) Anger

This stage can feel endless. It will hurt, but the more you let yourself feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate. We might have other feelings underneath the anger, but anger is the emotion we are used to feeling the most, so other feelings come out as anger. Your anger might spread - you might find yourself feeling angry at the little things, or focusing your anger on one particular person. You might find yourself feeling angry at God if you are religious or agnostic, and this can be one reason why some people turn to atheism. 

3) Bargaining

This can come during anticipatory grief - if a loved one is very ill and you want them to live. It can also happen afterwards as we start to think 'what if' and 'if only' thoughts, or 'if I could go back in time what would I do differently?'. This can also be accompanied by guilt. This part focuses our attention on ourselves and can lead to treating ourselves badly if it is not rationalised. This is a natural part of grief, but remember it is your body's way of trying to negotiate our way out of the pain. 

4) Depression

After bargaining happens, we begin to come back to where we are at in our lives. Our feelings of emptiness and sadness come at us on a deep level. It might feel like it will last forever and you may end up withdrawing from your life. This is a normal response and it would be unusual not to feel this way. This can help us to get through this part of our healing process. 

5) Acceptance

This is a new stage where we begin to accept reality. We recognise that they have gone and learn to live with it. We readjust our lives and start to reach out. This doesn't mean we are suddenly 'ok' with what has happened, but if the grief process has been given the time it needs, we start having good days again and reinvesting in our lives as they are. 

Here is a chart of the grief process: 

The important things to take away from this post are:

• Grief needs time. 
• Be kind to yourself through this process and remind yourself it is natural. 
• If you feel angry, try not to do anything you might later regret. Keep your anger expressed in healthy ways - it is a normal part of grief. Turning it on yourself, your friends or precious objects that remind you of your loss can be hard to deal with later. 

Let me know how you get on or any thoughts you have and share this post if you've found it helpful :) 

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Read more about grief here

What Film Studies Taught me About Life

So a couple of years ago I started to really enjoy going to the cinema a lot. Over the few months where I went to the cinema sometimes twice a week, I began to analyse what I was watching, and something started to shift in my perspective of life. This had a big impact on my life and I actually went on to study film studies as part of my degree.

In this blog post I will explore a few features of film which I believe positively impacted my life and wellbeing!

Motifs

So a motif (in film) is a term used to describe a salient, recurring element in a film. This means anything which pops up quite a bit, such as a bird in The Birds or a certain song, such as the piano music in The Conversation. 

A feature of motifs in film is that they often show variation throughout the film. For instance, a red door might be recurring in a film about a family. At the start a woman sits by the door alone, and by the end she happily walks into it with a boyfriend in arm. This is an example of development - the door is the same but the story has developed, and the door becomes a symbol of development.

When I started to notice motifs in films, I began to notice motifs in my own life. For example, a friend. Say you see this friend once when you're trying to find a job, next when you've found the job and you're working ... etc. When you see them, your friend is the same person (personality-wise), but your life has changed.

When you look back and think of all the changes, your friend becomes a motif which can show you your own development and how far you have come.

Mindfulness

When watching a film and analysing it a little, you find yourself watching out for things. For example, techniques such as sound, lighting and tonality (contrast and brightness) are things you might look out for. This process is very mindful.

When you come out of a film screening having analysed the film, you might find that you feel more aware of the environment around you. You might even feel like you're watching your life as a film, and the sunset in the sky has been almost deliberately put there by a director.

This is something which also applies to art. When I first started to appreciate art, sometimes I'd look up at a sunset and imagine it had been painted by a painter. It brought a lot of beauty and gratitude into the world which I might not have noticed before.

Character

The last thing I will write about is character. Last year I read a book called Story by Robert Mckee (available here), where Mckee talks about character development. He writes about how at the climax of a film, we see a development in the character shown when the character has to make a choice.

For instance, they might start as a grumpy, selfish person, who develops into a softer and more generous person, shown by an act of selflessness through a choice they make at the end of the film. This is very common in films and you may begin to notice more as you watch films!

If you look at your life as a film, and you have to make a choice, you can make choices based on your personality and self identity. This is particularly important if you have recently gone through a life change or recovery from mental health.

Choosing to get up and dressed in the morning can be a symbolic shift when you might a few weeks ago have chosen to stay in bed and watch Netflix all day. Development in film characters can inspire us to make choices in our own lives, which when repeated have a great impact.

Summary

I have loved film studies. Sadly I am not taking modules in it next year because I have decided to prioritise philosophy, which I am really excited about. But this will be a loss, and I am grateful for the fresh perspective film studies has given me in viewing my own life and life choices.

Thanks for reading, and please rush off to the cinema as soon as you can :) If you also feel strongly about film, feel free to share this blog post, comment or like!

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What's the Best Path to Wellbeing?

We hear a lot of messages about wellbeing every day. 'Go to the gym!', 'have you tried meditating?' and 'run yourself a nice bath!' are all phrases you might hear from people if you ask how to reduce your stress. So how can you muddle through all this to find your own direction?

There is no one way to go. With an abundance of messages being thrown at us, it seems like the only way is to take our own path. Think of it like carving through a cornfield from one end to the other, making curves and circles as you go.

As Steve Maraboli says in Life, the Truth and Being Free:

"We have all heard that no two snowflakes are alike. Each snowflake takes the perfect form for the maximum efficiency and effectiveness for its journey. And while the universal force of gravity gives them a shared destination, the expansive space in the air gives each snowflake the opportunity to take their own path."

But where to start?

Though the idea of total freedom is full of wonderful opportunity, having no set plan to reaching your own optimum state of wellbeing can be absolutely terrifying. This is especially so in those who might not have a totally stable sense of self identity. 

The following is a list of the things you can do:

1. Do your research.
   
   Read articles online, read books, talk to people and generally find out what people think is the best way to move forward in the direction you want to go. Reading this article is already taking a step!
   
2. Take what you need and leave the rest.
   
   Many messages you hear might sit uncomfortably with you. If someone says 'eat spaghetti for two days' and you hate spaghetti, leave that one there! Spaghetti might be an easy example, but if something doesn't sit right, look at what else you can do instead.
   
3. Put yourself out there.
   
   If you have decided that doing art will help you with wellbeing, go for it. Join an art class, buy some paints, hang out with an arty friend. Take steps towards incorporating this new activity into your life. 

It can be useful to choose things by asking yourself a few basic questions, like:

• How do I feel when I do this activity?
• Does this lead me towards wellbeing? 
• Is this sustainable longer term in some way?

Another thing which might be useful while you're figuring out ways to help your wellbeing is keeping a journal - this way you can record how you feel this technique is helping you, or not, and if you have chosen to do written exercises, for example, you can do them in your journal! It is also a great tracker to look back at to see how far you have come. 

Good luck! And as always, feel free to comment, like and share!

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3 Ways to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparing ourselves to others comes pretty naturally to most of us. With our young lives often being dominated by achievement at school, sports clubs or music, it is no wonder that the desire to be the best sometimes follows us through to adulthood.

Why not compare?

Comparing ourselves is, according to Sonya Derian (link here), a faulty logic. Sonya uses the example of an introvert. Say an introvert, who feels energised after periods of solitude, compares herself to an outgoing extrovert who gets bored spending an hour alone.

Any conclusions the introvert would come to would be irrational and illogical because everyone is different. We are all on our own paths, which might start more converged (e.g. at primary school), but as we grow older we diverge and become more and more varied.

This variation is part of the beauty of humans. It's the reason why you can go to one friend for a great night out and might choose another for a deep and meaningful conversation about life. We all have different strengths and weaknesses in different situations.

Further, we often find ourselves comparing ourselves on our worst days to others on their best. This is inaccurate because we can't get into the minds of others like we can ourselves. This quote captures this conundrum really well:

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel" - Steven Furtick

Comparison vs inspiration

You might be thinking, 'what about that actress I follow on Instagram?'. You might think someone is great because they seem to have a lot of fun and have qualities you admire. Provided this comes from a healthy place of wanting to empower yourself to have these qualities, this can be healthy. 

But if you find yourself gazing at 'fitspo' ten times a day and feeling guilty that you haven't got the post-gym glow that fitfam101 has right now, then read on!

How can I stop?

1. Identifying thoughts
   
   When you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else, take a mental note of what your thoughts are. Becoming aware is the first step to change.
2. Gratitude
   
   Often these thoughts come from a place of feeling like you aren't enough as you are. Focus on gratitude and write down some things you have which you are grateful for. Remember, that person you're comparing yourself to might be comparing themselves to someone with an even better car - comparison creates a moving goal post.
3. Empower yourself
   
   If there is something you consistently feel is an issue for you, consider making a change. If many of your comparisons come from not liking your own circumstances, see how you can appreciate yours more or make a change. 

Freebie

I have put together a chart which you can print (link here) and use to help yourself to stop comparing. It also has some handy examples for you to follow so you can start empowering yourself.

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think by sending a comment on the box on the side of my blog - you can also like or share my posts easily :)

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Free Sleep Meditation!

To celebrate 1000 viewers of my blog, I have created a free sleep meditation! Now it is recorded in my own voice so prepare for this to feel slightly weird if you know me in person..!

Thanks for all your views which have enabled me to invest a little more in the blog :)

What I suggest you do to go along with the sleep meditation:

• When you're ready to go to sleep, make sure you've done everything you need to do (I've covered this in the video).
• Put the phone face down to keep the light from disturbing your zen zone.
• And play!
• Your alarm will go off come the morning and you will hopefully drift off to sleep towards the end of the video.

I think it sounds best through headphones but that choice is up to you! 

Leave any comments etc if you found this useful :) I want to connect with my readers!

The Importance of Being Honest

In celebration of my 1000th blog view I will be releasing a 10 minute guided meditation which I recorded and put together myself! So watch this space because it will probably be within the next hour :)

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When I think about honesty and its importance, my mind goes to being a child. When someone would say 'was it you?' and I'd struggle internally with the choice of whether to be honest or get away with whatever I had done wrong. But if that's an obvious, macro kind of honesty, in this post I will be writing about a much more subtle, micro form of honesty. 

But I never lie! 

With the number of interactions we have with other people, it is very common to be dishonest unintentionally. For example, you're feeling low and your mum phones asking about your week and if everything's ok. 'Yeah mum, everything's fine!' - and that's one lie for the day already in the bag.

The Oxford Dictionary defines dishonesty as the following (link):

"Behaving or prone to behave in an untrustworthy, deceitful, or insincere way"

So being dishonest isn't as simple as being asked a question and giving an answer which is not the truth. It also includes situations where we are deceitful, meaning being misleading to others. If you aren't happy with something and you don't speak up with honesty about how you feel? Dishonesty. You are misleading them into thinking you are happier with the situation than you are. 

So why's it important?

Others know when we are being inauthentic. The person who asked if you were ok probably asked because they could sense discomfort in you. A dishonest answer could lead to them feeling uncomfortable and lacking trust in you. Honesty brings us closer to people because we are more vulnerable. See Brene Brown's talk on vulnerability here (it's a good one!):

It is also an important human need to be seen. By being honest you are being seen by yourself and others, which leads to an increase in self esteem. And with more self esteem you can be more free and have more fun! So although it feels like a risk to be honest sometimes, go for it because most of the time it only leads to good! 

A small note of caution

Also consider your reasons for being honest in a certain situation. It needs to be because you want your opinion to be heard. Not to spite the other person, which can lead to trouble - this post is not permission to run up to your least favourite family member and tell them what you think of them!

How can I be even more honest?

Like most ways of increasing self esteem, it starts with an awareness. Be aware of what you are feeling so that you can start expressing it more often. Then make a conscious effort to express how you really feel about things. Get your voice out in the world to show yourself and others that your feelings and thoughts matter.

Next time someone asks 'everything ok?', it's very fine to answer something like 'yeah things are ok, I'm just deep in thought about my lost phone!'... Queue the way for an authentic conversation!


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5 Ways to Get Dance Back Into Your Life!

Before I start this article, I have added a snazzy new Facebook like button to all of my posts! So if you like what I'm writing you can click that so I can see how many people are enjoying my posts and spread my writing further!

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Following on from my last post, today I'll be writing about making ourselves less invisible and taking up the space we deserve in the world. And what better way to do this than through dance?

It takes some confidence to dance. Whether it's in a club, in a dance class or in your bedroom, to many people it just doesn't feel natural. Last week I was lucky enough to go to Morning Gloryville (see their website here). They describe what they do on their website:

"Morning Gloryville is an immersive morning dance party. We are the pioneers of sober morning raving - responsible for bringing conscious clubbing to the world stage."

You might think that this sounds fantastic, and believe me it was brilliant. You might also think something like 'I could never do that' or 'I'd need a drink before I could dance'. And this is the reaction I got from quite a few people when I told them about it afterwards.

Why is dancing so hard?

I believe that the inability we feel to get up and dance, especially in front of others, is a result of our wanting to be invisible. In some ways, it is easier - we avoid the horror of someone laughing at the way we dance, or going for it a bit too much and tripping over.

But becoming invisible in this way is not healthy for us. Every human being, as I explained in my last post (here), has the need to be seen. By not allowing ourselves to completely let go, we cause ourselves anxiety, our negative self talk spirals and we become more and more isolated.

So how can I get dancing?

There are a few ways you can do this.

1. Start in your bedroom.

Put on a dance tracks playlist when everyone is out, and just let go. Given the part of us that loves dance comes from our inner child, even better if you can find a track you used to dance to as a child. Bring back some of those moves you used to pull as a 12 year old. S Club Juniors is one of my favourites for this!

2. Go clubbing more.

If you feel you need to drink alcohol to have a good dance, go out with some friends and spend the night enjoying dance. Remember your goal through this though - this guidance isn't an excuse to end up out on the smoking terrace all night before retreating to McDonald's!

3. Join a dance class

Go to a dance class where there will be more 'beginners' at the dance style you choose for your class. This might take away some of the fear that you won't automatically know which moves to pull out when you're dancing. Because you'll be taught them.

Dance classes at the gym can also be fun - Zumba and dance fit and the like are all growing in popularity and if you take along a friend you can have fun as well as coming away having done some exercise (though be careful that your desire to dance doesn't become a desire to get fit - this is not the point of this article!)

4. Go to a flash mob!

Get searching online and find a flash mob that's happening in a city near you. When you feel that your dance has a purpose and fits into a larger goal, it can really give you some confidence.

5. Challenge negative self talk

If, while you're dancing, you begin to have thoughts like 'dancing isn't for me' or 'I can't dance' - remember that dancing is for anyone who has a body! The desire to dance comes instinctively to human beings, as well as an ability to move, so honour that in yourself and find a dance floor.

And when you've gone off and danced,  leave me a comment on the blog to let me know how you got on :)

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What's So Special About Me?

So I bet you thought this blog post was going to be a personal one about me. But no! It's going to be about you. Like most of these blog posts. I'm not sure if that'll come as an excitement or a disappointment for you, but on to what I'm going to talk about!

So many times we underestimate ourselves. It comes across in all sorts of ways.

1. Jealousy

We find ourselves looking at others' achievements. That friend's graduation photo, hearing about someone's new plans, someone else's good fortune. That pang of guilt as we realise we do not feel completely 100% happy for them is usually down to self deprecation. 

The reason that person's graduation photo is creating a sense of jealousy might be because a part of you always wanted to graduate but didn't. In that moment of longing for what they have it doesn't matter that your premature leaving of university led to a great period of self discovery and starting your own business. It doesn't matter that you met all sorts of great people. You could've become a billionaire. And still your inner critic believes that you are not enough because you didn't graduate. 

2. Isolating ourselves

People probably wouldn't notice if you didn't turn up to that party. Right? 

Wrong. So often we tell ourselves that our absence isn't noticed. We could skip that gathering to lay about in bed and not bother getting in the shower. And yes, you guessed it, it's another way of putting ourselves down. 

The truth is, people do notice when we aren't around. They miss us. And in the mean time we dismiss what they actually miss about us.  

3. Pushing away loved ones

We self deprecators sabotage our own opportunities. That guy you've been dating you might find yourself pushing away from because to your subconscious, he seems too nice. In an old journal I have written 'it's only a matter of time until he discovers that I'm not all that great'. Come on! 

We also push away opportunities. That art fair you've been wanting to go to might get put on the back burner by an inner voice saying 'what's the point?'.

Well, what is the point?

It's a human need to be seen. The more you are seen the more you are remembered, and the more opportunity will flock straight to you. You'll have a lot more freedom. 

So how?

Put yourself out there!

Nobody but Van Gogh would have created Sunflowers in the way he did. All the things we love about creative professionals' work is a direct result of them getting out of bed and deciding to put themselves out in the world. And we can all learn from that. 

Go to social events, do what you feel drawn towards, because it's a great way to discover yourself and how much capability you really have. It only takes 2 clicks on a laptop to order a pizza to your house. Think how much you could create with a little thought and a few more clicks?

Make your voice heard!

As Michelle D'Avella writes (here), 

"The world does not carve out a space for the voiceless. They do not roll out a red carpet and invite the invisible to parade through."

Stay connected to the ones you love - participate fully in that group chat, make your voice heard when something doesn't feel right - refuse to pay the service charge if the waitress had no time for you! And make yourself heard!

Then see how it feels and leave a comment on this post :)

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Do you Find Positive People Annoying?

You might've experienced it. You are having a really rough day - your cat threw up on your favourite blanket, you missed the train and tripped over trying to run for it. You finally reach that friend you're having coffee with and hear the inevitable words 'well, on the bright side...'. 

Sometimes, we just want to dwell for a little while on how rubbish we feel. Hearing someone trying to see the positive side just feels inauthentic and misplaced, and it might even feel annoying. Either way, it can drive a gap between you and the person because your feelings seem invalidated. 

But in general, are 'positive people' just really annoying and unable to see the miserable parts of life? Unable to acknowledge that sometimes we just have a bad day? And that it feels rubbish when we do? To look into answering these questions it's important to look at a few things.

Why do I find it so annoying?

Firstly, what do you want from telling this person about how horrible your day so far has been? For many people it's validation. You want them to sit and listen to you and say 'aww, that does sound terrible. Let me get you a cup of tea'.  Maybe not the tea but you get the idea. It's validation you're looking for in that moment. 

And when they look you in the eyes and say 'well, it could be worse!', this feels like the opposite of validation. And it is. Deep down you have built up expectations of what this person will say, and they have totally thwarted them (off topic but thwart is a word I learnt recently and love, so I'm pretty happy to have got it into my writing!).

More generally, how often do you find yourself moaning about things to this positive annoying person you have in mind? You might be surprised to find that it is more often than you think. As Dawn Gluskin writes (here): 

'For somebody trapped in a negative thinking cycle... the optimism, certainty and fearlessness of a positive-thinker can seem unbelievable and, yes, even downright annoying'

What can I do differently?

Remove the expectation.

In order to enjoy this person's company, the only real way to do it is to remove that expectation. And the only way to do this is to learn to validate yourself. 

• Be aware of your feelings.
• Recognise that all of your feelings are natural, temporary and justified. 
• Comfort yourself when you're experiencing difficult feelings - be your own loving friend or parent (see my blog post about your inner parent here).

If you can keep yourself feeling validated, you won't need someone else to do it for you, so you won't find it quite so annoying when someone else doesn't follow your expectations. 

Address your resentments.

If this has been an issue with this particular person for a long time, address your resentments and old anger so that you can focus more when you're with them. One way of doing this is to write an anger letter to them (unsent), explaining what you're angry about. Then rip it up or burn it to represent a release of your feelings of resentment.

Focus on gratitude

You might still find that you feel angry talking to them. Focus on your gratitude towards them and the things they have done and do for you. Usually, someone is doing the best they can - they are trying to help you, and though it can be difficult when they are not validating you, focus on what they are trying to do. Which is to make you feel better, normally. 

Another post will follow about forgiveness and resentments. As always, share and write in the comments if you have any thoughts :)

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Making Friends with your Reflection: 4 Steps

We look at our reflections several times a day - and with the increasing popularity of the selfie, the number of times we see our own face per day is on the up. But without an awareness of the thoughts we are having when we see ourselves, this can be dangerous for our self esteem. 

Over the weekend I was lucky enough to bump into author Charlotte Reed, author of May The Thoughts Be With You, at her market stall at Portobello Road. Her book is available here and she also has a website (here). I couldn't put her book down until I'd read it all the way through, and one of her quotes really fits in with what I'm writing about in this post:

'Call yourself bad names often enough and your mind will start to believe them (luckily this also works for good names too!' - Charlotte Reed

Steps towards improving how you see your reflection:

1) Become aware of your thoughts

It is really common to hear people saying degrading things about themselves - body weight and shape, disliked bodily features and one's cleverness are all things which come under fire when talking in this way. But it is not only these out loud thoughts that need to be challenged.

The thoughts can be very subconscious, and because they are repeated a lot, often we are unaware of them. The only way things can change is if you become aware of them. Go to your bathroom mirror and see what happens. You might find it uncomfortable and thoughts might come to mind. Make a conscious effort to do this as often as you can when you see your reflection - even in shop windows.

2) Focus on different things about your body.

Instead of looking at the seemingly ceaseless pimples on your chin like normal, try something different. One way of doing this is to look at yourself in a full length mirror, naked if you feel you can, and describe your body in a completely objective way.

Start at your head and say out loud 'I have blonde hair which comes down to my shoulders. I have an oval face with tanned skin' etc. The point here is to make it objective because it takes away from the usual subjective judgement.

3) Change self-hatred to kindness.

Cheryl Richardson wrote in her book 21 Days to Master Extreme Self-Care (available here) suggests a mirror exercise to do. Every day for a month, every time you look in the mirror, say out loud 'I love you ___ (your name)'. Many who have tried this have found an internal shift happened towards self love, compared to the self hatred that often occurs in front of a mirror.

Another way to introduce kindness is to start thanking your body. If your legs are sore from walking, when you see your legs in a reflection, mentally or verbally thank them for carrying you today. If you find yourself being horrible towards your arms, then thank them for carrying your bag today.

4) Create a supportive mirror!

To help put things into perspective and encourage kindness, stick body image affirmations around your mirror. It is useful to say them out loud several times and allow yourself to feel the feelings that come with them. There are some available at this website, and to include some here:

'I am beautiful'

'I love my body'

'I am thankful for my body'

and

'I accept myself completely'

Keep your awareness of thoughts when looking at your reflection and see if things begin to shift. It is likely that they will as you realise that your body  is primarily there to support you and is only ever doing its best. Journal through this journey so you can look back at how far you have come!

Let me know how you get on in the comments section!

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