Four Life-Changing Attitudes We Can Learn From Mandela

Nelson Mandela, 18th July 1918 - 5th December 2013, is a household name around the world, due to his role in the South African anti-apartheid revolution and the ANC, his 27 years in prison and later, his 5 years of presidency in South Africa. He had a wide impact on tackling racism, and is well known for his quote in Long Walk to Freedom (Mandela, available here):

"No none is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite".

In 2014 I was lucky enough to take a trip to Robben Island, Cape Town, where I saw his prison cell. I also watched the film Long Walk to Freedom, which taught me about his values in such a way that when I entered the corridor of his cell, it was a sad but also greatly inspirational experience. This is what I will write about today as a tribute to Mandela Day (the anniversary of his birthday). 

Attitudes which stand out to me when I think about Mandela:

• Prompting change without causing bloodshed
  
  When we look around in the world nowadays, many people are trying to change it. Terrorists, for example, who are trying to make impact by killing people. Mandela realised that violence was not the answer to prompting the changes he and others wanted to see.
  
  Though violence or outburst can be tempting when we feel trapped or angry with how things are, Mandela was mindful of those feelings and tried to find the best way to communicate them for change. This is something that can help us to step back and observe before we act.

• Forgiveness
  
  Mandela was well known for forgiving others. He made friends with wardens, saying that 'courageous people do not fear forgiving', because he recognised that holding resentment towards people is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  
  In other words, holding resentments only harms you and is counterproductive. Being able to forgive frees you to take any actions you need to and live more peacefully.
  
• Faith
  
  A friend of Mandela, Fikile Bam, who was on Robben Island with him for ten years, said (on Mandela - available here):
  
  
  Although he had been sentenced to life imprisonment, he made it clear in all his being, that [it] was unlikely that he would finish all his time in prison ... It was, in fact, a condition of our survival in prison, to believe that we would win. The struggle would be successful in the end. We'd be out of prison during our life time.
  
  

  Faced with life in prison, many might or might feel temptation to give up, in a sense. Believing that you may one day leave and experience freedom is a very faithful belief, which promotes self improvement and improves self esteem. 

  
  

  In The Secret (available here), Rhonda Byrne insists that belief and faith in something you want will make it happen. Mandela definitely didn't read The Secret, but the similar way he chose to think helped him to endure and make the most of being in prison. 
• Kindness
  
  Ex prisoner Fikile Bam also wrote about Mandela's attitude towards prison warders:
  
  
  The one thing I can talk about is that he was always generally very polite courteous to warders. He greeted them, but at the same time, he didn't cow down to any warder at any level. He was just very courteous.
  
  

  We all have people in our lives who try to control us, whether it's to the extreme of a prison guard or not. Being kind to everyone, no matter their behaviour towards us (to an extent), shows a great level of tolerance. This tolerance is a reflection of an inner peace - that we accept and love ourselves unconditionally and are able to accept others in the same way.

Mandela's prison cell when I visited in 2014

Peering into his old prison cell on Robben Island, knowing his attitudes and ways of being, I felt the love and acceptance he felt towards every human there has ever been and will be. He not only helped to reduce racism, but he showed peace and integrity throughout his life that has inspired more change across the globe than he ever knew. 

My favourite powerful Mandela quotes:

• Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
• I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
• It always seems impossible until it's done. 
• The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. 
• If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.

Image from here

Self Identity and Window Shopping

As promised, another post on self identity and getting to know yourself. And in this blog post I'll be talking about window shopping!

Now I would talk about actual shopping but the idea here is that when you are window shopping you are not buying things. Instead you might be drawn to some things (like those bright white Converse in the window) or rejecting other things (that t-shirt you might've happily donned aged 12).

Forming these opinions about things is a good way of practicing hearing your inner voice and validating it. When you pass a window and feel drawn to that pair of shoes, listen to that inner spark of wonder and desire. Listening to your inner guide is good practice for the bigger things (like looking within for an answer on a big life decision!) - it's like training a muscle.

Spend a little time looking at the shoes (or whatever it is). What is it exactly that you like about them? The colour? The design? Explore all these things until your inner consciousness has run out of things to think about the shoes! You may well come away with your inner self feeling really validated, and this inspires more listening to it because you'll realise how great it feels!

This can also be done at places like markets, where there are all sorts of diverse and sometimes cheap things on sale, so you can have a long wonder around at your own pace and look at exactly what you want to. You could also try having a look online.

This will not only help train the 'listening to yourself' muscle, but could also help with creating a personal style which reflects you. Instead of half heartedly buying clothes and shoes, you might soon feel a stronger pull towards some items because you are used to listening to yourself. You'll then end up with your outside reflecting your inside. Which is great.

Let me know how you get on in the comments!

Img from here

Tips for Guided Visualisations

In my last inner child blog post (here), I explored the benefits of making friends with your inner child. The first step was to connect with him or her. One of the ways I talked about was using visualisation to connect, which I will explore in more detail here.

A guided visualisation based around the inner child might sound a bit scary. Firstly, it is very safe. To exit a hypnosis or visualisation all you have to do is open your eyes. If you find it emotionally overwhelming it might be helpful to ground yourself if you find yourself needing to finish the visualisation suddenly (methods here).

Just like a guided meditation, guided visualisations can be found in great numbers to download online. They often start with the same grounding processes: finding a centre point such as the breath to work with, relaxing the body and listening to the guide's voice. They then differ by telling you to imagine a scene, e.g. walking through the woods.

Every visualisation is different, and every visualiser's vision is different. Some tips for visualisation:

• Try not to worry if you can't immediately imagine a place. If the guide says to imagine a wood and your vision of the woods keeps changing, go with the first image that comes to mind. The actual image is not wholly important, because it will develop and you will find that whatever image you chose will come to have meaning.

• Let your mind go deep into your imagination! If you're imagining a fire-breathing dragon swooping down from above, feel free to keep on imagining. There are no set rules to visualisation and the more you imagine the more you can find meaning from.

Here is a guided inner child meditation for you to have a go with. Please feel free to leave feedback as to how you found the visualising experience!

Img src here

6 Myths About Meditation.

Today I signed up for meditation teacher training! So I thought I'd share a little on my blog about six common myths about meditation:

1. 'My mind's just too busy to meditate'
Meditation is perfect for people who can't seem to clear their mind! Not just because advanced meditators might find it easier to clear their mind, but because every human brain is busy, and that is what meditation works with. It is about learning when the mind is going off on track, or off on a tangent, and bringing it back to a centre point. The more you think this happens, the more you have to work with!

2. 'It takes years of practice to reap the benefits'
The most experienced meditators come back to meditation for the benefit it provides day-to-day, rather than an accumulative build up. You can start feeling the benefits during your first meditation - someone who has just started finding their feet in the practice receives many more benefits than a person with the most vast meditating experience who is not practicing.

3. I don't have enough time

This video is proof that you can bring meditation into your life in just two minute bursts if you really feel that's all you have time for! Longer practices can easily be slotted into an adapted routine - you could get up 10 minutes earlier, or you can even do a sleep meditation as you are falling asleep!

4. It's for the religious
The only difference between you and a deeply religious person is your beliefs. The religious person still has the same skeleton, the same bodily functions, probably the same material things. As long as you are able to be aware of your body in some capacity (for instance, being aware of your breath), you can meditate just as rewardingly as someone with religious beliefs!

5. I tried it once and it wasn't for me
How good meditation feels varies hugely between practices. There might have been circumstances which meant you didn't have a great practice - all sorts of things can affect it. I'd advise to keep trying different meditation techniques (different guided meditations or different teachers) until you feel comfortable in the class. Just looking at this article shows that a part of you is intrigued! 

6. I can't sit cross legged
Meditation can be done in any comfortable position - one of my favourite positions is lying down in bed! 

“Meditation is realizing and expanding your inner beauty in every direction.” 

― Amit Ray

Img src here.

Ways to Ground Yourself

What is grounding?

This website describes grounding as:

'a technique that helps keep someone in the present. They help reorient a person to the here-and-now and in reality. Grounding skills can be helpful in managing overhelming feelings or intense anxiety. They help someone to regain their mental focus from an often intensely emotional state.'

When your mind's getting carried off by your thoughts, you can spend whole minutes in your mind instead of where you actually are. A good way of coming back to the present moment is by grounding yourself. It is a form of mindfulness where textures, smells, sights, sounds and tastes can bring you back into the present fast. 

There are a number of techniques for grounding yourself. Some of my favourites:

• Rubbing your hands together.
• Taking a deep breath or several.
• Putting both of your feet on the floor.
• Rubbing your arms. 
• A sensory box (this website has some ideas).

Also popular is the 54321 game (see here):

1. Name 5 things you can see in the room.
2. Name 4 things you can feel (e.g. chair on my back).
3. Name 3 things you can hear right now.
4. Name 2 things you can smell right now (or things you like the smell of)
5. Name 1 good thing about yourself.

Grounding is less about clearing the mind and more about noticing when the mind is getting carried away and bringing it back to where you are. It is also a great way to connect with nature and as the word 'grounding' suggests, many people feel their most grounded when they are with nature - walking barefoot in grass or holding their arms around a tree. 

I'd encourage you to share your experiences in the comment section :)

Img src

Why physical health is so important in mental health

Maslow in 1954 created a hierarchy of needs:

He claimed that in order to achieve a level on the pyramid you need to first fulfil the level below. For example, if you want to have true love and belonging in your life, first you need to have physiological wellbeing and safety.

This helps to explain why physical health is so important for us. Physical health includes:

• Breathing
• Food
• Water
• Sex
• Sleep
• Homeostasis
• Excretion

All of these need to happen before the above levels can happen. So you cannot have safety of your health if you are not allowing yourself adequate food and water.

This applies in every day decisions. Say you’re at work and you have a project to complete. You consider skipping lunch and having it later. Your ability to concentrate on the work will be compromised.

This leads to more issues further up the pyramid, especially if the physical need is neglected longer term. You might not have security of your job, feel love for it or feel a full sense of achievement there. These feelings could be there but would be dulled compared to how they could feel.

Treat your physical health as a priority: take a bottle of water with you to work, make sure you have enough to eat and sleep, etc., and everything else will follow: safety, love, esteem and even self-actualisation.

Find out more: http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

Image from: HiRes.jpg

5 ways to keep your relationship spiritually healthy

1. Gratitude

Most couples have been there. Every little thing about your partner is annoying you and no matter what they do it’s hard for them to get back into your good books. You’re feeling grouchy and are struggling to feel that unconditional love for this person.

This is something that can be tackled by a really simple practice. Before bed, as you’re both laying warm and cosy under the covers, think back over the day to all the little things your partner has done for you over the day. It might be something little like taking out the bin or making you a coffee, or sometimes a bigger thing like surprising you or buying you a present.

Then say this gratitude list out loud. ‘Thank you for all the things you’ve done for me today – for making me breakfast, for going for a walk with me…’ and continue until you feel like you’ve expressed ample gratitude. You could make it easier at first by saying three things every day to get into the habit so you don’t find yourself drying up!

This will help your partner to feel appreciated and perhaps more importantly will allow you to appreciate how much your partner does for you every day. It will also help to foster gratitude more in the moment – you might find yourself thinking ‘oh I’ll put that on my gratitude list for later’ and feeling grateful, and it will probably extend to other people and things in your life, leading to more inner contentment and less of a need for more.

2. Meditation

If both of you are willing to, meditation can be lovely to do as a couple. Or if one of you likes meditation and the other doesn’t, the one who doesn’t could just have some quiet time to chill while the other person meditates.

For those who do meditate, it can be hard to incorporate it into a routine. Days can pass before you realise you haven’t meditated for a week or more, so planning it with another person, just as a gym buddy would help someone go to the gym, can really help you meditate. And who better than the person you probably text the most?

Another way is to download a meditation app (such as Headspace) onto your phone, where the meditations are ordered. They also have cool animations to illustrate their concepts, and have kind of ‘quests’ where you get further meditations for doing the first ten. It brings more excitement into meditation and leaves you with lots of inner serenity.

3. Time apart

Now you might be thinking something like ‘hang on, why’s it so important to be focusing on things like meditation where it’s about bringing myself wellness? I feel great when I’m with my partner – why do we have to be doing these things?’

Well, this is a theory which also means spending time apart can be a great idea. You need to focus on yourself. Remember back to that time when you first met your partner? You were probably alone and had probably been doing lots of alone things to maintain your inner sanity. This was the person your partner was attracted to and fell in love with.

When we get together with a partner and spend lots of time with them, often we change our behaviours. We reduce the time we spend doing the things we used to enjoy doing alone – like art, colouring in, writing, whatever floats our creative boat.

This can mean that our best self (our personal self, not including our partner!), is slightly or even severely compromised, and we think and feel differently as a result. We want to be our best selves so that we can enjoy our partner for who they are and they can enjoy us for who we truly are. By spending time apart to do your own thing, you will be more yourselves and there is more of each other for each of you to enjoy spending time with.

4. Boundaries

Telling your partner your hopes, fears and secrets is very healthy. After all, being vulnerable and telling someone about yourself is what brings intimacy. But there is a very important line, or boundary, which can be hard to figure out.

Say you express a worry to your partner; ‘I’m scared we won’t have enough money to pay the rent’. This is a very rational worry, but the rational response would be to plan with the money you do have to ensure you can pay the rent. If you don’t do the planning, the worry will stay.

Say your partner responds: ‘I don’t like it when you worry, I’ll stay with you for the day and we can chill out and watch TV’. Now this is very kind, and you might look forward to the day with them, but it doesn’t lead to a proper solution.

You might find yourself subconsciously not sorting out the problem so that your partner treats you specially like this more often. Then you’ll end up with bigger worries later down the line. Expressing worries for unhealthy reasons, and not dealing with your worries yourself, steps over a boundary which needs to be kept to keep a healthy relationship.

5. Encouragement

Lastly, encouraging each other to focus on your own wellbeing is vital. You’re far more likely to be the best versions of yourselves, and far more likely to foster deep love for each other which will last. The days of friends thinking your boyfriend is ‘bad for you’ will be over as you outwardly radiate inner content and happiness, and you’ll only look forward in your relationship.