Self-Love in Sickness and in Health: 6 Tips

During the couple of months, I have suffered with not only diabetes, but a bout of shingles, two wisdom teeth coming through and two mouth ulcers. Ouch. The point of this post is not to seek sympathy (although that is always welcome, preferably in the form of cake and coffee). I'm going to write a little bit about maintaining a good relationship with your body, even through illness.

As you might have gathered from my blog so far, a lot of my observations and advice have been on the importance of self love in wellbeing. Your most solid, reliable and rewarding relationship is the one you have with yourself, and feeling loved by you, the person who knows how to love yourself the best, is a great feeling.

But it can become difficult in illness. When your body's working well, it's easy to feel gratitude for what it's doing for you. But in the middle of a horrendous cold, when you're surrounded by tissues and empty packets of Lemsip, it's easy to start thinking things like:

• Why can't my body just get better?
• Why do I always get ill? 
• Why can't my body just work like everyone else's? 

It's really easy to think those things, and they can go really unnoticed as negative automatic thoughts (I wrote about these in this post). So it's worth watching out for these thoughts when you're ill. The compounding effect of my illnesses over the last month has led to me having a couple of thoughts like these, and it's something I've had to stay really on top of and journal about.

So how on earth are you meant to deal with illness and love yourself?

Firstly, the most loving way to love your body is unconditionally. That is, in sickness and in health, in all shapes and sizes and at all stages of life. If your love for your body depends on it being a certain size, then all that love will disappear once it changes. In the same way, if your body love depends on it working well and feeling good, anytime you are ill you will leave yourself feeling unloved.

1. Affirmations.
   These are great for reminding yourself that your body is great. It really is. Even if you're not well, there is a reason you are not dead: your body and its immune system. Your body works constantly to try and keep you healthy, even if it does seem to get ill a lot. Louise Hay does some good body-loving affirmations on her website (here).
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2. Look after yourself.
   If you need rest, REST! Don't drag yourself into work at risk of making yourself worse or finding the entire day difficult. It's really important to look after yourself. That includes having baths and not just laying about in your room all day, if you feel up to it. It also includes finding a good TV series to watch on Netflix.
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3. Stock up.
   In order to take care of yourself, you need the supplies. Medicines, bubble bath, tea bags, whatever you need. Imagine you are an adult taking care of their child - you would try and make them as comfortable as possible. Do the same for yourself.
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4. Gratitude List.
   It's easy to get caught up in a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, without noticing the good things. Write a list every night of 5 things you are grateful for. It could be your housemate making you a cup of tea, getting an extension on that deadline or Lemsip really working.
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5. Take notice of your good days.
   If you are chronically unwell, it is important to realise when you're having a good period. If you're unusually mobile or well, take notice. Write it down in your journal. Tell people about it. Enjoy it for the amazing thing it is. Don't let it slip by and constantly think about next time you're going to be ill.
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6. Talk to friends.
   Being ill can mean you're a bit isolated - obviously people aren't usually that keen on catching your lurgy, and you know that, so you end up sat in your room. But just because you're in your room, you don't have to be isolated. Germs can't travel through the phone line or over Skype, so take this as an opportunity to catch up with long-distance friends and get a bit of sympathy at the same time, rather than your housemates who are probably distracted by the snotty tissue you're holding. 

Keep loving yourself and remind yourself that this will pass. Whether it's a cold, or something longer-term, you will have moments of peace again, and you will have times you can get out of the house and have a bit of fun!

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Transformation Cannot Be a Checklist

This post came fairly naturally. After a month of lots of deadlines I wanted to write up a new post. So.. the topic is trauma processing, recovery and checklists. It's becoming quite common to find yourself at a low point, bogged down by past experiences. So how is it best to get going and maintain a good recovery and way of life?

For myself, any change coming up is often accompanied by a mental checklist. I'm going on a trip. I need these things. I'm cooking a meal. I need these things. I'm grieving a loss. I will go through these things and will need these things. I think this is fairly common.

Now imagine you've started a life transformation. You ask around for advice, or go on the internet, and you're told 'it's a process'. Transformation is a process, in that it takes time and there are many stages. It might be tempting to look at it as a list, or look at your issues as a list. For example:

• Sort out sleeping pattern.
• Stop smoking.
• Go to the gym. 
• Eat healthily.
• Talk about my problems.
• Get over x, y and z trauma.
• Be left with a 'clearer' life. 

This is a great way to see where you're at. However, in looking at it as a way to guide your process, there could be some problems:

1. Can feel never ending.
   Having a long list of tasks in front of you can be overwhelming. The truth is, we are growing constantly through our lives, making mistakes and trying to make the right decisions. Sometimes that means making the wrong ones.
   
   This means that even if you make a list and get through it, more can always be added. That feeling of completion you are striving for will never be reached.
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2. Lack of recognition for other achievements.
   Like a dog chasing a bone on a stick, you will miss the little achievements you're making if you're constantly looking forward for the next one. Transformation requires recognising all the steps you're making, even the tiny ones.
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3. Makes it about control.
   Releasing past experiences and traumas and their effects on your daily life is about letting go of control. It's about accepting all the emotions that come with kindness and toleration. Sometimes a list can create impatience, and if your recovery goes 'off track' it can leave you feeling very lost.
   
   As humans we crave for the world and our experiences to make sense. In recovery you will come across lots of unexpected bumps and hurdles - unexpected emotions or experiences. Having a mental (or physical) list often does not allow for these, which is what's needed.

That is not to say that lists can't be helpful. They are great starting points, and good for showing you where you're at. This is why workbooks, such as CBT books, often use tables where you write your current thoughts down, and where you want to get to. 

However, the general message is that letting go of your list as needed is very important. Notice when you're feeling like you're 'off track' from your list, and be accepting of that. Because true transformation is about accepting yourself unconditionally, whether you're on track or not.

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Letting Your Past Experiences Rest in Peace

I was watching How I Met Your Mother tonight and one of the lines really hit me. One character, Ted, has a crush on another character, Robin, from the beginning of the show. Later in the series, Ted is forced to repress his feelings for her, and when they eventually resurface, someone suggests that the feelings had been 'buried in a shallow grave'.

Bare with me, the post ahead is rather abstract!

The line brought up images of our past feelings, thoughts and events living underground, buried in whichever way we choose to bury them. Whether it's in a shallow way through temporary means of burial, or deep underground, dispersed and digested to reduce their emotional blow.

Obviously the way we deal with our past experiences has a big effect on us. Traumas might be far from laid to rest. They could be buried so shallowly that their tentacles reach up above ground and affect our every decision.

Being deeply buried doesn't mean refusing to let it enter our lives. It might seem that saying things like 'no I don't care about that anymore. It means nothing to me' moves the experience so far away that it can't 'get you'. But really, in a traditional rom-com sense, 'I don't care', can mean the exact opposite. It's like trying to put a plaster on something that needs stitches.

So I've put together my thoughts on how a trauma we want to bury can be best put to rest:

• Feel the feelings.
  
  Sad? Try sitting with the sadness for an evening. Journal about it. Talk about it. Think about it. Cry about it. Drinking it away or eating food or sleeping a lot will only delay the feelings until later, when they inevitably resurface in perhaps in a more indirect way.
  
• Grieve.
  
  Bear with yourself. Grief is a long process which can take a long time. And your emotional needs don't just include grieving when someone passes away. Leaving your job is still a loss, even if you hated it! Changes require us to process them, and allowing yourself to do just that will stop the feelings being delayed or coming out sideways. See my post about grief here.
  
  It might take a long time, and going through the stages can feel never-ending, but when you get to the end and you are able to gently and acceptingly reflect on your experiences it is really rewarding.
  
• Be kind to yourself.
  
  There is no 'correct' way to deal with traumas, despite the things I've written here. It's different for everyone. On a wider scale, in some areas of the world grieving involves dancing and wailing. The only thing I think is 'right' is to be kind to yourself. Going on a night out and ending up crying to your friend at 1am eating chicken nuggets might not feel ideal, but try to be accepting of your behaviours. 

If you can keep yourself safe, be accepting of your feelings and sit with them, I believe that is the route to a deep burial of your difficult past experiences. The kind where they do not creep up on you and come out sideways. The peaceful kind.

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Myths About Diabetes External Article

http://thetab.com/uk/kent/2016/10/08/its-reversible-and-all-the-other-myths-surrounding-diabetes-9230

I wanted to share with my readers an article I wrote about Diabetes and the myths surrounding it so here's the link :) Feel great about my writing being published :)

How Our Inner Critics are Faulty: A Logical Exercise

For those of you who don't know, I am studying for a philosophy degree at the moment. This year I'm taking a logic module, which involves picking arguments apart. It's quite complicated sometimes, but useful, and on Friday I had a little break-through in analysing my own thoughts.

So in my logic seminar on Friday we were looking at the structure of arguments. I'll give an easy example:

• If I work at Tesco I park in the Tesco car park sometimes.
• I park in the Tesco car park sometimes.
• Therefore, I work at Tesco.

Just looking at this argument, it's clear that there's something wrong with it. There could be loads of reasons why I park in the Tesco car park sometimes - it might just be to do my shopping - it doesn't have to mean that I work there! 

But it's not always so obvious. This particular argument example can be separated into algebraic parts. Bear with me if you hate maths!

So I'm going to take the argument apart now and assign each part a letter:

• A - I work at tesco
• B - I park in the Tesco car park sometimes

So the argument above can be restructured like this (look back at the original argument to work it out):

• If I work at Tesco I park in the Tesco car park sometimes (if A, then B).
• I park in the Tesco car park sometimes (B). 
• Therefore, I work at Tesco (therefore A). 

The academic part will shortly be over and I will relate this to thinking! But basically, the letters can be replaced with other sentences, for example:

• If it is raining then it is cloudy (if A then B)
• It is cloudy (B)
• Therefore it is raining (therefore A)

This argument (the raining/cloudy argument) is said to have the same logical form as the Tesco argument, because the letters are the same. This lettering order is said to be invalid because you can replace the letters with any sentence and the argument still won't 'work'. If you understand this, you'll understand the next bit!

So in last week's seminar, a nice girl sat next to me and we chatted quite a lot. This week I walked in and sat down. She came in after me and took a seat at the front away from me. At that moment I had a negative automatic thought (types of thoughts I'll look at in another blog post):

• If she didn't enjoy sitting next to me last week she wouldn't sit next to me this week. 
• She didn't sit next to me this week.
• Therefore, she didn't enjoy sitting next to me last week.

You might notice, this argument has the same lettering structure as both the Tesco and the clouds argument:

• If she didn't enjoy sitting next to me last week she wouldn't sit next to me this week. (if A then B)
• She didn't sit next to me this week. (B)
• Therefore, she didn't enjoy sitting next to me last week. (A)

Of course the argument came out from my inner critic in a rather convoluted way, like most arguments, but the basic structure is invalid. Even though thoughts from our inner critic are usually quite believable, when looked at closely like in CBT, they are often completely invalid. 

There could've been a different reason she chose not to sit next to me. And as it turned out, there was - she had to be at the front to do her presentation this week! 

The take away message from what I'm saying is that being aware of your negative thoughts means you can unpick them, analyse them and usually discover that they're complete rubbish! 

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The Myth of Laziness

Have you ever heard someone judgementally label someone as 'lazy'? It's a label often applied to young people, especially 'lazy students' who are only in uni a few hours a week. Personally I believe that these sweeping judgements are ill-informed, assuming and most of the time, completely false!

With the help of this article in Psychology Today, I'm going to unravel the term 'lazy' and look at exactly why we feel the need to procrastinate, and how we can help ourselves more. So what is laziness, according to the dictionary? A search on Google showed laziness as: 

"The quality of being unwilling to work or use energy"

Ok, so yes lots of young people and older people ARE unwilling to work or use energy sometimes, or a lot of the time. So according to the definition, yes, they are lazy. But when we're looking at why someone with Parkinson's Disease can't do up fiddly buttons, we focus on the cause, or root. Not the inability. So this is what I'm interested in with laziness. Why are we "unwilling"?

When we need to do something, all we need to start is some motivation. However, I believe that when people are lazy or procrastinate, this motivation is not there, or it's interfered with. So what can interfere with this motivation?

• Lacking interest in whatever we're trying to do.
  It's not our fault if we're not interested in the project. But if we're not interested, we're not exactly going to be excited about its completion, and when we're not excited we're not motivated. 
• Lack of self confidence.
  Sometimes we grow up to have a limited view of what we can do. It might be because we've always been told that we can't do things (by friends, family or even the media), and that message 'I wouldn't be able to do that' is a negative automatic thought circling in our mind. 
• Fear of failing.
  It's really common to be afraid of starting something in case it doesn't go to plan and you end up failing. Even if you complete the project successfully, that self doubt in your mind can still come back to haunt you in later projects - it is not quietened by success. 
• Fear of rejection.
  You might also be worried that the person you're completing the project for will not be pleased with the outcome of your hard work. This is usually due to a need for appraisal from others - that person's opinion will likely hold a very high value for you - higher than your own.

These are only four reasons why someone might be lacking motivation - there are plenty more! So with all these, I think it's pretty clear that it's less simple than a 'she's lazy' label. So here I redefine laziness:

A state of being frozen and unable to complete essential tasks due to mental blocks often undetectable to the outside world.

So how can laziness be tackled?

1. Break it down.
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   I put in this second image because it is a perfect illustration of the value of little steps. Starting something you need to do is a lot easier when you focus on little things. Breaking down an essay into researching, drafting, final drafting, e.t.c. makes it seem more manageable than thinking about what you'll have as the end product.
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2. Catch negative automatic thoughts.
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   Often these thoughts go unnoticed. 'I'll never do it', 'I'm such an idiot', 'why did I do that?' etc, slip through our full consciousness and go partially undetected. But they do damage and change our behaviour, putting more and more limitations on what we do and don't do.
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   Get a journal and write down every time you have a negative thought. Write down the situation in one column, your thought in another and your feelings in another. The more aware you are the more you can refute them and think about the truth. You are not stupid, for example.
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3. Believe in yourself.
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   Print out a list of affirmations. Cut them up and stick them on your mirror, fold them up and put them in a box, put them wherever you find best to store them, then read one aloud every day. Think about it throughout the door. This link has a lot of great affirmations, and you can write your own - I did a post about this a while ago (link here). 

See how you get on and let me know any thoughts/feedback :)

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When Apathy Takes Hold: 6 Tips

You get out of bed. Thoughts about the day ahead fail to cause a single emotion in your body. The hunger in your belly prompts you to get out of bed, and as you pour milk onto your cereal, you glance out of the window at the sky and the trees and wonder why you're feeling so... apathetic.

As defined on this website, apathy is:

"the absence of caring. It's a lack of desire to engage in activities, make changes, or find crave anything positive."

Apathy can strike at any time, without warning, or can build up gradually over time. So what causes it?

• Emotional fatigue.
  If you have been under high, consistent stress for a long time, your emotional system can start to feel worn out or burnt out. As muscles get tired, emotions can go numb. 
• Lack of enjoyment.
  If you haven't gone out and had fun for a while, or if your thoughts when out have been clouded by anxieties and stresses, this can build up into apathy. 
• Low serotonin.
  It's difficult to say whether or not apathy causes low serotonin or whether low serotonin is the cause, but often when we're apathetic our serotonin is off-balance. 

Sound like you? Luckily there's a few ways you can improve things and get yourself feeling again. 

1. Spend time with friends.
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   Having a strong support network is really important with apathy. When you feel apathetic you can feel stressed about having apathy itself. It can make you panic - when will you feel normal again? In moments of panic it's important to have people around you.
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   Being with friends can also help you to ground yourself. Doing things you like with them can bring you back to yourself and remind yourself of the things you do enjoy, even if they're not so enjoyable right now.
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2. Look at your other symptoms.
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   Are you well generally? Ask yourself questions - are you sleeping well? Are you eating well? Have you put on or lost a lot of weight recently? You may be suffering with depression or anxiety, or even malnutrition. These things can be helped with a visit to the GP or a counsellor.
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3. Do things!
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   When struck by apathy it can be easy to lose days or weeks to this feeling of non-feeling. Get yourself out of bed, eat, have a shower, watch a TV programme, do your food shopping. Anything which gets you out of the house and having some structure can help you to at least feel more human again.
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4. Keep a journal..
   Even if it says 'I'm still in this fog' for days on end, some feelings might come about and you might get somewhere towards the root of your problem. It also helps with structure. Journalling is often the first thing to go when I feel a bit apathetic, but it helps so much!
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5. Exercise.
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   Though I wouldn't condone going to the gym for hours and hours, a walk or a dance in your room can help give your neurotransmitters (like serotonin) a boost. It can also be a good distraction if you're suffering with depression, anxiety or acting out through other mental health problems.
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6. Be patient with yourself.
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   Apathy ends. It might not feel like it when you're in the middle of it, but it is sometimes a process we just need to get through. It can teach us things about ourselves and can be worth sticking through. Remind yourself of this as often as you can.

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Surviving Freshers If You're Not There

I have taken a little blogging break to focus a bit more on myself and my own personal growth, but here is my first blog back - based on freshers.

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As someone who has 'fallen behind' in the educational system a couple of times, I wanted to give some advice on surviving (and thriving) at what can be a difficult time of year!

Does the following list sound familiar? 

1) Comparing 

When friends start posting pictures of themselves having fun at freshers in their new halls with new friends, do you find yourself comparing? When I left uni I could barely look at my Facebook news feed without feeling sadness and inadequacy. 

I even felt guilty for feeling so sad about my friends having fun. It was a dark time full of comparisons. What I was doing seemed so inferior to the fun and life usefulness of uni. 

2) 'What ifs'

'What if I'd just not taken a gap year?', 'what if I'd worked harder?' and 'what if I'd made the best friends ever if I'd just gone this year?' might all be questions circling in your head. Everyone's reasons for going to uni or not are different and personal, but it can be particularly hard if it wasn't exactly your choice. 

If you haven't gone because your grades weren't enough, or if you need to redo year 13, or if you have been advised by medical professionals to leave it a year, your head might be filled with these 'what if?' questions. 

3) Placing judgements on yourself 

Judgements on yourself are all-too-common in situations where you feel left behind. Thoughts we have about ourselves can be really automatic and unnoticed - thoughts like 'I'm such an idiot' can be so self conscious that we barely notice them, but they're still there. 

4) Loneliness/isolation

As a result of a large amount of our friends departing for uni, we can find our support network is quite depleted, or sometimes non-existent aside from our families. This can be a really lonely time. 

You might've noticed a common theme among the previous list. Your friends going to uni and being at freshers has become a reflection on you and your abilities. This isn't good for self-esteem, which luckily can be built up in quite a few ways by some simple changes:

1) Less social media

It's tempting to look, but it might be a good idea to take some time away from social media. Maybe just focus on your own posts. Leave those lists of recent updates on Snapchat untouched. If you feel you need to be on it, think about things you could post rather than looking at other peoples' posts.

2) Support network

If a lot of your friends have left, focus on making new friends. Part of having a support network is having people you can see face to face and speak to - do not try to convince yourself that having friends miles away who you only see at Christmas, Easter and Summer is enough. 

Having a support network is not just about friends. It can include seeing your GP for physical or mental health problems, having a therapist if you feel you need one, or if you are redoing a year at school it could include a teacher or tutor. 

In terms of making and maintaining friendships, this website has some good advice. Maintaining friendships is as important as making them - so make time for this in your life.

3) Recognise the benefits of working through this.

It's important to not forget that this 'left behind' feeling can happen to all of us, all through life. It is not unique to when your friends are at freshers. This can be a depressing thought, but also quite empowering. If you can get through this in a healthy way, then when your friends are getting married, having kids etc, if you feel left behind you will know how to cope healthily. 

4) Enjoy yourself!

Spend time enjoying yourself, whether this means getting active, shopping or relaxing in bed, dedicate time to yourself (and lots of it). Remind yourself of why you chose not to go to uni this year, or the benefits of not being at uni. Building yourself up and your self esteem will help you to heal and spend time in a healthy way.

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6 Tips for Enjoying the Wait for Payday!

Just to make you all aware, I have published an article on Recovery Warriors about how perfectionists meditate! Full of personal experience and knowledge of the frustrations of trying to close your eyes and stay focused. The link is here!

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It seems that more often than not I find myself waiting for a pay day. No matter how much I try to budget there always seem to be at least a few days where I only have about £1 to spend each day. From social media I gather that this is not uncommon, so here are some tips for when it happens.

1.  Make sure you have enough food.
   
   To be able to have fun, you need to be nourished. Make sure that at the first sign that you might run out of money, food becomes a priority. Stock up on freezer foods and UHT milk if you need to - make sure you will have enough until pay day.
   
   If you are unable to pay for food, and will not have enough to eat, consider asking to borrow from family or friends, or in the worst case scenario, think about going to your local food bank (there is a list here should you need to look for your closest).
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2. Find good company.
   
   If you are struggling to afford things, you might be feeling a bit miserable. Many friends might be on holiday and posting pictures all over social media. It can be nice to get out of the house, off of social media and into a real life friendship with someone you enjoy spending time with.
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3. Go to a park.
   
   The last few days have been really sunny, and in this kind of weather it can be nice to sunbathe in a park. If you want refreshments, you don't have to spend £s - for instance, you can buy a cream soda for 39p and an ice lolly for 60p from a corner shop - that's 99p for refreshment!
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4. Make art.
   
   If you have the materials at home, it can be nice to spend hours creating art. Sometimes when our schedules are busy it is easy to overlook how fun it can be to get out all your painting materials, but being limited in what you can do is a great opportunity.
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5. Write a gratitude list every day.
   
   To keep things in perspective, write out what you are grateful for. If you have a journal, write a gratitude list in it each day to remind you how much fun you have had. It can be easy to get swept up into feeling sad about having no money, so this is a great way to feel positive.
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6. When you do get money, reflect.
   
   Whenever I get money after having a while of going without, I tend to make a small gesture to ground myself and remind myself of the value of having money. For instance, giving to charity, to a homeless person, or to a church. 

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How Life Drawing Can Improve Body Image

When I stepped into my first life drawing class, charcoal at the ready, I definitely felt in awe of the models who could stand completely naked for nearly 2 hours. Afterwards, I felt grateful to them for showing me a different way of seeing my body.

I'm not the only one who's experienced this - researchers have found that attending life drawing classes has a positive effect on body image, especially for women (see link here).

My feelings before entering the class were:

• The female body 'should' be a certain way (the way portrayed in magazines and the media).
• Bodies are to be seen in a critical and comparative way.

During and after one class (and those that followed), I began to see the body differently. 

1. Seeing the body artistically rather than critically
   
   During the class, on viewing the body I was looking at the curves and shapes and how I could transfer them onto the paper in front of me. Whether the model should lose a few inches here or there didn't even come into my mind.
   
   After the class, this view of the body continued as I looked at my own. I began to see it for the shapes and curves which link together to form my silhouette. I began to look at the shadows and highlights and instead of to diets, my mind wondered to how I could represent the way the light falls on my body on paper.
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2. Seeing realistic models
   
   As I said before, I was used to seeing bodies in magazines. I had fears, as many do, that there was something unusual or 'wrong' about my body and the way it was formed. Seeing life models showed me honestly that bodies do come in all shapes and sizes. `
   
   Never once did I feel judgemental about one of the model's bodies, so why would I feel judgemental about my own? Why was I the exception to the rule I had created?
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3. Letting go of the need to be perfect
   
   When the class started, I was really surprised when the man leading the group told us we had 2 minutes for our first few sketches! At a point when I was a bit of a perfectionist, alarm bells rang in my head as I realised I wouldn't be able to do my best drawing.
   
   After just a couple of sketches, I felt able to let go of my panic. A short drawing time allows you to focus on the drawing process rather than the overall result. As a result, I found a love for sketching and creativity in general, and let go of the need to create something perfect. 
   
   Letting go of the need for perfection extended to my body image. I was able to enjoy my body for its functions and processes, rather than for its overall shape or weight, which became very unimportant, especially after a few classes.

After undergoing these processes, after a few classes this was my changed view of the body:

• The body can be seen as a series of artistic lines and shapes, rather than a 'whole' for criticising. 
• All bodies are different and this is perfectly fine, normal and acceptable.

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A Letter From One Woman to Another

Today on the train I saw a lady closely reading an article entitled 'How to lose belly fat'. So I decided to write her an unsent letter:

To the woman on the train,

I see you reading. Scouring the words to find the secret so many women crave. Your eyes move across the lines of letters and you relate them to parts of you. 

You think about your daily routine: the cup of coffee you have in the morning, the minutes you spend gazing out at the nature in your garden. The time you spend organising your bag before you leave. You wonder if you can cut those things out to run up and down the stairs a few times.

The article encourages you to make a decision to cut out the coffee-making. That hot chocolate before bed can be cut out too. Get up before 6am for best results. I see you open your phone and set an alarm in a moment of motivation, motivated by hatred for the fat on your body.

But the problem is, the words on the page are very limited. They only go as far as 800 or so words, when 1000 more could explain to you so much more. The morning gazing is part of wonder - part of enjoying your surroundings and giving you happiness. 

The sorting of your bag in the morning helps you to have everything you need for the day. The hot chocolate in the evening warms you up, comforts you and soothes your body into a long sleep. That 6am wake up call will cut your sleep short to 7 hours. Your long sleeps help you to be well-rested throughout the day. It will mean an hour less to cuddle your boyfriend.

Before you start making these decisions, think about what you are sacrificing. The feelings and life energy you get from your daily routine are more important than any results you could get from losing inches of belly fat. You are considering taking away from your personality to lose your body weight.

If you treat yourself well and give yourself what you need, and don't sacrifice this for a self-conscious need, you will be happier than the happiness weight loss could give you. If you were at risk of health problems at your weight, perhaps to treat yourself better would mean to change your lifestyle. 

But this also would be in the name of self-love, and looking at you it does not apply even slightly. Especially because you are looking for this advice in a flimsy magazine rather than from a health professional. 

I hope that one day you can realise this; that one day you will simply flick past weight loss articles in magazines. Maybe one day you will see someone else reading an article. Perhaps it will be a woman on a train. 

And perhaps you will realise how far you have come as you find your mind filling up with sadness. Sadness that someone would even consider depriving themselves of their self-loving routine when that is what is so beautiful about them. And that is what gives them their glow - it is nothing to do with their weight. 

All the best
A woman who once read these articles on trains. 

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3 Things I've Learnt From Working With Kids

You might have noticed that I haven't posted a blog this week! The reason is that I've been waking up before 8am most days, to spend nearly 9 hours surrounded by 5-7 year old children, before going home, falling asleep quickly and starting the cycle again.

It's been exhausting, but so much fun! I only work at the 5-day-a-week camp for 4 days each week, and as it came to my last day I was looking forward to having a day off, but now I have been struck by unexpected FOMO (fear of missing out)! As I sat enjoying my day off, my mind kept wondering to what the kids would be up to, how their Friday talent show went, whether they'd be missing me and lots of reflections which led me to write this blog post!

As much as the kids have learned and developed on camp, I have learnt a lot too. In fact, here's a list of five things I've learnt while running sports and activity sessions for them:

1) There is a child inside all of us.

I handled a situation where 6 children were asked to split into two groups. It seems a simple enough task, but when you're 6 and desperately want to be with your friends, it becomes a trickier task. I watched as 3 of the 4 girls physically clung together, urging the other girl to go over to the boys' team in fear that they would not be the one who had to go over.

The fear in their eyes was almost visible, and reminded me of the fear I have felt and sometimes feel. The type of fear when you arrive onto a bus or coach with friends, only to find that most seats are taken and you have to sit apart for the time-being. Or the fear when you arrive with friends to a bar only to find you've forgotten to bring your ID, and you hope someone will come back home with you.

I think too often, we put ourselves down for feeling fears, even if we choose the right option. Just because one girl eventually chose to leave her desired team, it doesn't mean her fear wasn't real. Her fear made her actions even braver. Our inner child's fears and our adult conquering of these fears show bravery deserving recognition and celebration.

2) The people you surround yourself with really matter.

Children generally can't choose who they surround themselves with. But when they do get to choose, they choose wisely. As two children played Happy Families in my group, I went over to hear them arguing about one of them playing unfairly.

"I've got plenty of other friends I can go and play with", one of them said calmly. I was struck by her maturity in the situation, and that she recognised she was not stuck in this situation. Many adults see themselves as trapped with certain people, but it important to remember we always have a choice. 

3) It's not all about the winning.

Yesterday I ran a group where the kids had to crack a code. They were in two teams and they had two rounds. The first time, the team I was supervising and helping out were all over the place. They hadn't listened to the instructions properly, and as a result they were breaking lots of rules and having lots of arguments with each other about what they should be doing. The other team won the round.

By the time it came to the second round, I decided it was time to give them a prep talk about how they should try to listen to each other, take turns, and delegate (let one person write as another looked for clues). They followed these ideas and as a result, they cracked the code far quicker and encouraged and helped each other.

As it turned out, the other team had also changed their tactics and had cracked the code faster. The other team won again. As one child burst into tears about the loss, I found myself explaining that it's not all about the winning. They had worked together better, cracked the code faster and done a great job. I was so impressed that I considered their improvement a win in itself! 

This got me thinking about how in games and life, our only real progress marker is how well we have done against our past self - how much we have improved and how much effort we have put into improving. There are all types of winning - not just the overall 'win'.

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I'll be working at this camp for 3 more weeks, so I will probably post some more learning updates about my time with the kids, but for now I am signing off to sleep!

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Could you Vow to Tell the Truth Forever?

Would you rather have to tell the truth for the rest of your life, or have to tell lies for the rest of your life? It's considered a tough one. The thought of a life of saying thoughts out loud is usually not one we would choose. But what does it actually mean to tell the truth? Is it that bad?

To start, I'll look at the meaning of honesty. The Cambridge Dictionary (see here), defines to be honest as:

Telling the truth or able to be trusted and not likely to steal, cheat, or lie.

This dictionary also gives examples of someone being honest. The first is:

 "To be brutally honest, you look fat in that dress"

To sum up this definition, it appears that being honest is about:

1. Telling the truth.
2. Not speaking falsely.

So going back to the original proposal, to tell the truth for the rest of your life would mean that if somebody asked you a question directly, you would have to answer truthfully. 

For example:

A friend asks you if you think her dress looks flattering on her. 

Your thoughts:

• I don't think this dress is flattering on her. 
• She will be upset if I tell her that it doesn't look flattering.
• I preferred the other dress she tried on. 
• The dress is a horrible material - I can't see it hanging well on anyone! 

I have put 3 thoughts here, but in every situation when you are asked a question there are probably many thoughts going around in your head. If you are going to answer her honestly, any of these thoughts can be voiced. Just because she asked 'is this dress flattering?', you don't have to answer 'no' if you don't think it is. 

Examples of responses:

• "I preferred that other one!"
• "It's a nice dress, but not my favourite you've tried on"
• "I'm worried you'll get upset, but no - I don't like the material of it - it doesn't hang so well"

These are all truthful and honest responses, and get across the truth in a way which is not unnecessarily hurtful. To take this idea away from clothes, if you want to be honest but are asked a question you don't want to answer, there are many truthful things you can say. For example:

• This is hard for me to answer.
• I'd prefer it if we could talk about this later. 
• I want to help you, but you're asking a difficult thing. 

What's wrong with a little white lie?

Telling the truth allows us to have better connection with other people and ourselves. Allowing people to see our thoughts is an element of being authentic, and allows us to evolve and improve our self esteem. Telling a lie is not only a risk to the other person in the communication, but is a risk to our own personal development. 

To summarise,

Telling the truth doesn't always mean directly answering the question. Stopping to think about how we actually feel in a situation and voicing other thoughts is just as honest and helps us to be authentic. So, next time you're asked 'Would you rather tell the truth for the rest of your life or have to tell lies for the rest of your life?', maybe the sound of telling the truth is no longer as daunting. 

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Four Life-Changing Attitudes We Can Learn From Mandela

Nelson Mandela, 18th July 1918 - 5th December 2013, is a household name around the world, due to his role in the South African anti-apartheid revolution and the ANC, his 27 years in prison and later, his 5 years of presidency in South Africa. He had a wide impact on tackling racism, and is well known for his quote in Long Walk to Freedom (Mandela, available here):

"No none is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite".

In 2014 I was lucky enough to take a trip to Robben Island, Cape Town, where I saw his prison cell. I also watched the film Long Walk to Freedom, which taught me about his values in such a way that when I entered the corridor of his cell, it was a sad but also greatly inspirational experience. This is what I will write about today as a tribute to Mandela Day (the anniversary of his birthday). 

Attitudes which stand out to me when I think about Mandela:

• Prompting change without causing bloodshed
  
  When we look around in the world nowadays, many people are trying to change it. Terrorists, for example, who are trying to make impact by killing people. Mandela realised that violence was not the answer to prompting the changes he and others wanted to see.
  
  Though violence or outburst can be tempting when we feel trapped or angry with how things are, Mandela was mindful of those feelings and tried to find the best way to communicate them for change. This is something that can help us to step back and observe before we act.

• Forgiveness
  
  Mandela was well known for forgiving others. He made friends with wardens, saying that 'courageous people do not fear forgiving', because he recognised that holding resentment towards people is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  
  In other words, holding resentments only harms you and is counterproductive. Being able to forgive frees you to take any actions you need to and live more peacefully.
  
• Faith
  
  A friend of Mandela, Fikile Bam, who was on Robben Island with him for ten years, said (on Mandela - available here):
  
  
  Although he had been sentenced to life imprisonment, he made it clear in all his being, that [it] was unlikely that he would finish all his time in prison ... It was, in fact, a condition of our survival in prison, to believe that we would win. The struggle would be successful in the end. We'd be out of prison during our life time.
  
  

  Faced with life in prison, many might or might feel temptation to give up, in a sense. Believing that you may one day leave and experience freedom is a very faithful belief, which promotes self improvement and improves self esteem. 

  
  

  In The Secret (available here), Rhonda Byrne insists that belief and faith in something you want will make it happen. Mandela definitely didn't read The Secret, but the similar way he chose to think helped him to endure and make the most of being in prison. 
• Kindness
  
  Ex prisoner Fikile Bam also wrote about Mandela's attitude towards prison warders:
  
  
  The one thing I can talk about is that he was always generally very polite courteous to warders. He greeted them, but at the same time, he didn't cow down to any warder at any level. He was just very courteous.
  
  

  We all have people in our lives who try to control us, whether it's to the extreme of a prison guard or not. Being kind to everyone, no matter their behaviour towards us (to an extent), shows a great level of tolerance. This tolerance is a reflection of an inner peace - that we accept and love ourselves unconditionally and are able to accept others in the same way.

Mandela's prison cell when I visited in 2014

Peering into his old prison cell on Robben Island, knowing his attitudes and ways of being, I felt the love and acceptance he felt towards every human there has ever been and will be. He not only helped to reduce racism, but he showed peace and integrity throughout his life that has inspired more change across the globe than he ever knew. 

My favourite powerful Mandela quotes:

• Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
• I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
• It always seems impossible until it's done. 
• The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. 
• If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.

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Keeping Your Life on the Move

A wise woman once told me:

'In every situation you have two choices. You can either change it or accept it.'

This quote is a great guide for me when I feel unhappy in a situation. For instance, with people. If you're finding someone irritating you can either accept the irritation or change the situation, e.g. by trying to spend less time with them. But how do you know when a situation is unacceptable for you?

You may have come across the Serenity Prayer:

It seems simple. Accept what you cannot change and have the courage to change what you can. The issue comes when you find it hard to know when a situation should be accepted or changed - the wisdom part. To make this clearer, I'll use examples:

A situation is unacceptable when:

1. It is illegal
   
   Situation: your boss asks you to work a long shift without a break.
   Choices: accept this (work without a break) or change it.
   Wisdom: this is illegal, and therefore needs to be changed.
   Action: demand a break.
   
2. It puts you in danger
   
   Situation: you drop your phone onto a train line.
   Choices: accept this (accept it is dangerous for you to try to retrieve it and ask for help) or change it (reach onto the track to retrieve it).
   Wisdom: I would be endangering my life to pick this up.
   Action: Ask a train station staff member for help and advice. 

With these examples, it seems easy deciding which action to take (or not take). Sometimes, it isn't so easy to decide what to do. For example:

• Situation: your boss asks you to work late. 
• Choices: accept it (and arrive late to the party you planned to go to) or change it (say no). 
• Wisdom: If I accept, I will be late. If I change this situation, I can go but my boss won't be happy. 
• Action: What's most important to you? Take that action. 

The most important thing is that you take one of those steps, either accepting or changing where you are. A lot of the time, people try to do both. For instance, becoming increasingly frustrated at someone because they're not doing what you want them to do. Accepting could ease that frustration, or acting could mean a change in their behaviour. 

Either way, making a decision helps you to keep moving, rather than getting stuck in cycles of resentment and frustration. And don't forget that accepting a situation is a decision in itself! Ever seen this quote by Einstein?

In terms of making the right or wrong decision (a future blog post on this will happen!), Susan Jeffers wrote a chapter in Feel the Fear and do it Anyway (available here). She says that every decision you make is a no-lose decision. Whichever path you choose will lead you down a path full of opportunities and things to enjoy. So give her chapter a read when you're afraid of making the wrong decision!

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Internet Connection, Cafes and Crack Cocaine

It’s a hot day, I’m sat on an uncomfortable leather seat in a local Caffe Nero, becoming increasingly frustrated that I am unable to connect my laptop to ‘The Cloud’. This isn’t the first time I’ve moved house and been without wifi for over a week, and it isn’t the first time I’ve taken to tracking down wifi in the cafes of where I live. 

Having realised I will go to these lengths to connect up to invisible wavelengths travelling through the sky, I can only think of comparing my actions to those of a drug addict. In drug addictions, you will often hear that people will go to great length to get a fix. For example, 

• Spending large amounts of money
• Travelling great distances
• Isolating themselves

All of these behaviours are risky, and can lead to consequences known and accepted by the addict. Addiction is generally thought to be a form of insanity, where insanity can be defined as:

Very foolish or unreasonable (definition from here)

I consider our world to be largely addicted to the internet. I consider myself to be fairly representative of people of my generation, and know others my age who would agree that, at least after some time of being internet deprived, they would:

1. Spend money to connect.
   
   Think of all of the wifi packages you have bought in hotels when abroad. What would life be without the ability to share a photo of your legs by the pool on Instagram or Snapchat? Not only this, but when I moved into my wifi-less house, I considered paying out to connect to BT Wifi with FON, just to be able to go online.
   
2. Travel distances.
   
   The example of me travelling into town to connect to the wifi in a cafe is how I know I would travel at least some distance to get my ‘fix’ of internet. And in hotels without wifi in the rooms I have often found myself carrying my laptop, as if on some addiction-driven autopilot, to the wifi lounge.
   
3. Isolate themselves.
   
   This one hardly needs explanation. I remember when I became a teenager and got social media. I would spend hours in my bedroom on Bebo, Facebook or Twitter, or chatting to friends on MSN. I spent time away from family, and because of the increased ability to talk to friends online, I also believe I spent less time with them in real life. 

These are all acts which can be foolish or unreasonable. For example, spending money you don't have, can be a step towards causing yourself financial problems, and can be seen as foolish. It is also not the most 

• Have goals 
  
  Know what you want to do before you open up your laptop. This will reduce time and mean you spend less time aimlessly looking at things. If you love to have an aimless wonder, set a time limit for your time online.
  
• Use your phone for communication
  
  Use your phone as a main means of communication - text people, iMessage, use Whatsapp and call people, but try to avoid using the internet browser on your phone if you can. It leaves more room for mindless browsing which can go on for hours.
  
• Find a creative hobby
  
  Have you ever been so busy doing something that you forgot to check your phone or Facebook for hours? These are the best kinds of hobbies. Try something creative like painting, drawing or journalling. You could also try getting a playstation or xbox! Spend time working on your life outside of the internet. It sounds ridiculous but you will see the benefits fast.

So will I be switching off my wifi only to turn it on for contacting people? Probably not. In fact, definitely not. For the time being, my trusty phone will be providing me with cellular data for contacting people and doing the odd bit of (definitely) inessential web browsing. 

Maybe it has become the norm to be a little bit insane, but it doesn't mean you can't take some steps to make sure you have a life off-screen.

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5 Reasons to Follow Book Recommendations

I rarely read books. I don't know if it's because my university course requires quite a bit of reading, or whether it's because I currently have about 10 unfinished books on the go, but actually reading a book from start to finish is something I do about four to five times a year.

It's not that I don't enjoy my style of reading. The feeling I get from finishing a book is especially great when it's a somewhat rare accomplishment. But it got me thinking: what's so special about the books I read to the end? 

I enjoy all types of books, especially thrillers and crime novels, and the books I get halfway through are certainly not bad reads, but the main difference is that books I finish have usually been recommended to me by somebody.

So why? 

Why is it so much easier for me to finish a book that's been recommended to me? Well, I've come up with a few reasons:

1. Accountability
   Being recommended a book gives you some kind of accountability. Once you've told the recommender that you have a copy you intend to read, they are bound to follow up later with some questions about how you're finding it. For people who struggle to finish books, this can be a good way of keeping yourself motivated through the many pages.
   .
2. Sharing in their passion
   When the recommender tells you about the book, their passion for it will probably show. When I was recommended The Lie Tree (link to buy here), the lady who recommended it at the book shop talked about it with so much passion that I could feel it and see the glow in her eyes. This passion then transferred to me once I had read the book.
   .
3. Bringing you closer
   When you see someone's passion for something and experience it yourself, it can bring you closer to that person. Reading their recommendation may also lead to you spending more time with them and discussing the book with them, which can bring you closer as well.
   .
4. Passing it on
   When I had finished The Lie Tree and felt passionate about it, I recommended it onto about 3 other people. If they all read it and passed it onto more people, then it would be read by a lot more people than if the recommender had not shared it with me. It's a snowball effect where the more we follow recommendations and give them, the more the book is read.
   .
5. People to discuss it with 
   And the more the book is read, the more people you have to discuss the book with. There's nothing better than finishing a great book and having someone you can phone or meet with to have a good chat about it. 

Things to help you follow and give recommendations more:

• Joining a reading group
  There are many reading groups which meet once or twice a month, usually at libraries or similar places. There you can read a book in the knowledge that everyone in the group is reading it, and you have somewhere to discuss it for a dedicated hour!
• Giving away your books
  Instead of letting your finished books build up on your already-overcrowded bookshelf, try passing it on. Carry it in your bag next time you're meeting a friend, and suggest it. If they like the sound of the book you can whip it out of your bag and they can get started straight away!

Of course, this recommendations idea doesn't just apply to books. It also applies to other things like where to go on days out, films to watch, theatre productions, and the list goes on. My recommendation for you readers is The Lie Tree because it's the first book I had read so avidly since I was a young teenage reader! 

I love fiction books - see my writing about how they help recovery on the Biblio website at this link. Let me know how you get on as usual in the comments, shares and likes! 

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CBT: Life as an Optical Illusion

We're all familiar with optical illusions. Whether it's two heads or a vase, a young or an old woman, or straight lines which appear to bend, it is clear that our brains can be tricked into seeing things differently to how they actually appear. 

Over the last week, I've been thinking about how our brains, in a similar way, interpret peoples' comments differently to how they were intended. 

When you stare at the top of the elephant, your brain might see four legs with the feet underneath. This is not actually the case when you look at the feet, but your brain tries to add new information to create a picture it makes sense of.

This also happens when people say things to us. For example:

Nick is showing Jo around his house. He recently added a new TV to his wall, which he believes is too big for the space. When she sees the TV, Jo comments: 'Wow, that's a big TV!'. 

To break this down, 

1. Jo's intentions
• To make conversation.
• To show Nick she cares about what he's showing her.
• To show she is impressed with the size of his TV. 
2. Nick's thoughts
• 'She thinks it's too big for that wall'
• 'I should've bought a different size'
• 'She probably thinks I'm a technology-obsessed idiot'

You might notice some differences between what Nick thinks Jo thought, and her actual thoughts. If he hadn't already been thinking about his unhappiness at the size of the TV, his assumptions might have been different when he heard the comment. 

So why is this important?

In my experience, the biggest cause of drama and fallings out in friendships and relationships is miscommunication. When words are taken to mean more than they actually do, this causes problems. For instance, negative effects on Nick might be:

• Negative beliefs about himself may be strengthened.
• Might spend money he doesn't have on a new TV.
• May lower his self esteem.

All of these consequences might have been avoided had Nick had a closer look at his thoughts.

How can my thoughts change?

I believe that thoughts are very automatic. It is hard to change which thoughts actually come up, but it is beneficial to become aware of them and challenge them where you can. Next time a relative or friend says a comment to you, try these steps, which have helped me in my relationships:

1. Become aware of your thoughts.
• Write them down if you can. 
• This is in an observational, not a judgemental way. If you find yourself thinking 'I shouldn't be thinking this', try to push past it and write it down as if you were observing the results of an experiment. 
2. Rationalise
• In a column next to your thoughts, write next to each one the likelihood of it being true. Argue as if you were a lawyer prosecuting your thoughts (excuse the law references, I've been watching Suits avidly this week!).
• What would the person's intentions be? The likelihood is, they are not being malicious.
• How do these intentions differ from how you're feeling? Note the difference. Circle it, highlight it. Doodle all over the page. 
3. Be kind to yourself 
• Lots of things will come up. Take them as they come and congratulate yourself for being insightful into how you feel. 
• Treat yourself - a new journal to do this written process is always a nice idea when you're going into so much detail :)
4. Change things
• If you believe this person is actually commenting in a malicious way, do what you can to remove that person from your life. 
• If the person is not removable, for instance a close family member, then come up with some coping methods - can you spend less time around them? Or avoid certain topics of conversation?
• Voice yourself. If you feel they are being unfair and it is in their interest to know this, let them know how you feel about what they just said. 

Just as when you see an optical illusion, question what you're understanding about situations so you can get a more authentic view of what's really going on. This process is not dissimilar to CBT workbooks, such as this one you can buy from Amazon (link here).

Let me know how you get on in the comments :)

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Underneath the Anger of a 'Remain' Voter

The EU referendum result has come as a shock to many, especially to the 48.1% of people who voted to remain. Following the result, my Facebook newsfeed has been filled with posts of rage. Anger-fuelled arguments between remain and leave voters are slowly dying down but are still happening.

Why do I feel so angry?

As written on this website, anger is often called a 'secondary emotion', because we turn to it to 'protect ourselves from or cover up other vulnerable feelings'. We might also feel:

• Afraid
• Attacked
• Offended
• Disrespected
• Forced
• Trapped
• Pressured

Anger as a secondary emotion is really common. For instance, if I feel hurt because someone says something rude to me, I might go from hurt to anger and respond in anger.

Why does this happen?

This is a natural response. To show that we feel hurt by something, especially when we feel vulnerable, might lead to further hurt. Therefore to protect ourselves and still feel we have expressed our unhappiness, turning to anger serves us a purpose. 

However, this can be unhealthy. Imagine a workplace where your boss is under a lot of pressure. If this comes out as anger towards the rest of the team (which is actually quite common), this can have negative effects on the staff - their welfare and in terms of the business, less efficiency.

How about the EU referendum results?

From a more detailed analysis of our reactions, there are a number of things coming up (at least amongst the people I know) - people feel:

• Unheard
• Divided
• Scared

Personally, I am scared of:

• The split between British people and their opinions causing tensions within the UK. 
• The uncertainty as to what will happen to EU national students living in the UK.
• Uncertainties about my future ability to work or live abroad within the EU.
• Economic damage to the UK and my personal finances being affected by this - what will happen when I want to get onto the property ladder in a few years?
• Issues with national security - I am afraid of the idea of my safety being compromised. 

Writing down this list brought up a lot of fear for me. Fear is a difficult feeling, and to make it easier it could all be condensed into an angry statement like this:

"I just can't believe that people would be so stupid as to vote out!"

But this seems to have jumped a little. And though it might be natural to feel angry, it is worth looking into your feelings of anger to find out what is underneath them. After all, if half of the country is angry at the other half, this could cause tensions, and even violence, (which is one of my personal fears about leaving the EU!). 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that taking our anger at face value can have severe implications, and to be honest about the feelings underneath might be new, but can defuse our anger and lead to a more practical approach to what is going to come next for the UK, rather than anger-fuelled tensions.

As always, feel free to like, comment and share! :)

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