A Letter From One Woman to Another

Today on the train I saw a lady closely reading an article entitled 'How to lose belly fat'. So I decided to write her an unsent letter:

To the woman on the train,

I see you reading. Scouring the words to find the secret so many women crave. Your eyes move across the lines of letters and you relate them to parts of you. 

You think about your daily routine: the cup of coffee you have in the morning, the minutes you spend gazing out at the nature in your garden. The time you spend organising your bag before you leave. You wonder if you can cut those things out to run up and down the stairs a few times.

The article encourages you to make a decision to cut out the coffee-making. That hot chocolate before bed can be cut out too. Get up before 6am for best results. I see you open your phone and set an alarm in a moment of motivation, motivated by hatred for the fat on your body.

But the problem is, the words on the page are very limited. They only go as far as 800 or so words, when 1000 more could explain to you so much more. The morning gazing is part of wonder - part of enjoying your surroundings and giving you happiness. 

The sorting of your bag in the morning helps you to have everything you need for the day. The hot chocolate in the evening warms you up, comforts you and soothes your body into a long sleep. That 6am wake up call will cut your sleep short to 7 hours. Your long sleeps help you to be well-rested throughout the day. It will mean an hour less to cuddle your boyfriend.

Before you start making these decisions, think about what you are sacrificing. The feelings and life energy you get from your daily routine are more important than any results you could get from losing inches of belly fat. You are considering taking away from your personality to lose your body weight.

If you treat yourself well and give yourself what you need, and don't sacrifice this for a self-conscious need, you will be happier than the happiness weight loss could give you. If you were at risk of health problems at your weight, perhaps to treat yourself better would mean to change your lifestyle. 

But this also would be in the name of self-love, and looking at you it does not apply even slightly. Especially because you are looking for this advice in a flimsy magazine rather than from a health professional. 

I hope that one day you can realise this; that one day you will simply flick past weight loss articles in magazines. Maybe one day you will see someone else reading an article. Perhaps it will be a woman on a train. 

And perhaps you will realise how far you have come as you find your mind filling up with sadness. Sadness that someone would even consider depriving themselves of their self-loving routine when that is what is so beautiful about them. And that is what gives them their glow - it is nothing to do with their weight. 

All the best
A woman who once read these articles on trains. 

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3 Ways to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparing ourselves to others comes pretty naturally to most of us. With our young lives often being dominated by achievement at school, sports clubs or music, it is no wonder that the desire to be the best sometimes follows us through to adulthood.

Why not compare?

Comparing ourselves is, according to Sonya Derian (link here), a faulty logic. Sonya uses the example of an introvert. Say an introvert, who feels energised after periods of solitude, compares herself to an outgoing extrovert who gets bored spending an hour alone.

Any conclusions the introvert would come to would be irrational and illogical because everyone is different. We are all on our own paths, which might start more converged (e.g. at primary school), but as we grow older we diverge and become more and more varied.

This variation is part of the beauty of humans. It's the reason why you can go to one friend for a great night out and might choose another for a deep and meaningful conversation about life. We all have different strengths and weaknesses in different situations.

Further, we often find ourselves comparing ourselves on our worst days to others on their best. This is inaccurate because we can't get into the minds of others like we can ourselves. This quote captures this conundrum really well:

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel" - Steven Furtick

Comparison vs inspiration

You might be thinking, 'what about that actress I follow on Instagram?'. You might think someone is great because they seem to have a lot of fun and have qualities you admire. Provided this comes from a healthy place of wanting to empower yourself to have these qualities, this can be healthy. 

But if you find yourself gazing at 'fitspo' ten times a day and feeling guilty that you haven't got the post-gym glow that fitfam101 has right now, then read on!

How can I stop?

1. Identifying thoughts
   
   When you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else, take a mental note of what your thoughts are. Becoming aware is the first step to change.
2. Gratitude
   
   Often these thoughts come from a place of feeling like you aren't enough as you are. Focus on gratitude and write down some things you have which you are grateful for. Remember, that person you're comparing yourself to might be comparing themselves to someone with an even better car - comparison creates a moving goal post.
3. Empower yourself
   
   If there is something you consistently feel is an issue for you, consider making a change. If many of your comparisons come from not liking your own circumstances, see how you can appreciate yours more or make a change. 

Freebie

I have put together a chart which you can print (link here) and use to help yourself to stop comparing. It also has some handy examples for you to follow so you can start empowering yourself.

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think by sending a comment on the box on the side of my blog - you can also like or share my posts easily :)

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5 Ways to Get Dance Back Into Your Life!

Before I start this article, I have added a snazzy new Facebook like button to all of my posts! So if you like what I'm writing you can click that so I can see how many people are enjoying my posts and spread my writing further!

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Following on from my last post, today I'll be writing about making ourselves less invisible and taking up the space we deserve in the world. And what better way to do this than through dance?

It takes some confidence to dance. Whether it's in a club, in a dance class or in your bedroom, to many people it just doesn't feel natural. Last week I was lucky enough to go to Morning Gloryville (see their website here). They describe what they do on their website:

"Morning Gloryville is an immersive morning dance party. We are the pioneers of sober morning raving - responsible for bringing conscious clubbing to the world stage."

You might think that this sounds fantastic, and believe me it was brilliant. You might also think something like 'I could never do that' or 'I'd need a drink before I could dance'. And this is the reaction I got from quite a few people when I told them about it afterwards.

Why is dancing so hard?

I believe that the inability we feel to get up and dance, especially in front of others, is a result of our wanting to be invisible. In some ways, it is easier - we avoid the horror of someone laughing at the way we dance, or going for it a bit too much and tripping over.

But becoming invisible in this way is not healthy for us. Every human being, as I explained in my last post (here), has the need to be seen. By not allowing ourselves to completely let go, we cause ourselves anxiety, our negative self talk spirals and we become more and more isolated.

So how can I get dancing?

There are a few ways you can do this.

1. Start in your bedroom.

Put on a dance tracks playlist when everyone is out, and just let go. Given the part of us that loves dance comes from our inner child, even better if you can find a track you used to dance to as a child. Bring back some of those moves you used to pull as a 12 year old. S Club Juniors is one of my favourites for this!

2. Go clubbing more.

If you feel you need to drink alcohol to have a good dance, go out with some friends and spend the night enjoying dance. Remember your goal through this though - this guidance isn't an excuse to end up out on the smoking terrace all night before retreating to McDonald's!

3. Join a dance class

Go to a dance class where there will be more 'beginners' at the dance style you choose for your class. This might take away some of the fear that you won't automatically know which moves to pull out when you're dancing. Because you'll be taught them.

Dance classes at the gym can also be fun - Zumba and dance fit and the like are all growing in popularity and if you take along a friend you can have fun as well as coming away having done some exercise (though be careful that your desire to dance doesn't become a desire to get fit - this is not the point of this article!)

4. Go to a flash mob!

Get searching online and find a flash mob that's happening in a city near you. When you feel that your dance has a purpose and fits into a larger goal, it can really give you some confidence.

5. Challenge negative self talk

If, while you're dancing, you begin to have thoughts like 'dancing isn't for me' or 'I can't dance' - remember that dancing is for anyone who has a body! The desire to dance comes instinctively to human beings, as well as an ability to move, so honour that in yourself and find a dance floor.

And when you've gone off and danced,  leave me a comment on the blog to let me know how you got on :)

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What's So Special About Me?

So I bet you thought this blog post was going to be a personal one about me. But no! It's going to be about you. Like most of these blog posts. I'm not sure if that'll come as an excitement or a disappointment for you, but on to what I'm going to talk about!

So many times we underestimate ourselves. It comes across in all sorts of ways.

1. Jealousy

We find ourselves looking at others' achievements. That friend's graduation photo, hearing about someone's new plans, someone else's good fortune. That pang of guilt as we realise we do not feel completely 100% happy for them is usually down to self deprecation. 

The reason that person's graduation photo is creating a sense of jealousy might be because a part of you always wanted to graduate but didn't. In that moment of longing for what they have it doesn't matter that your premature leaving of university led to a great period of self discovery and starting your own business. It doesn't matter that you met all sorts of great people. You could've become a billionaire. And still your inner critic believes that you are not enough because you didn't graduate. 

2. Isolating ourselves

People probably wouldn't notice if you didn't turn up to that party. Right? 

Wrong. So often we tell ourselves that our absence isn't noticed. We could skip that gathering to lay about in bed and not bother getting in the shower. And yes, you guessed it, it's another way of putting ourselves down. 

The truth is, people do notice when we aren't around. They miss us. And in the mean time we dismiss what they actually miss about us.  

3. Pushing away loved ones

We self deprecators sabotage our own opportunities. That guy you've been dating you might find yourself pushing away from because to your subconscious, he seems too nice. In an old journal I have written 'it's only a matter of time until he discovers that I'm not all that great'. Come on! 

We also push away opportunities. That art fair you've been wanting to go to might get put on the back burner by an inner voice saying 'what's the point?'.

Well, what is the point?

It's a human need to be seen. The more you are seen the more you are remembered, and the more opportunity will flock straight to you. You'll have a lot more freedom. 

So how?

Put yourself out there!

Nobody but Van Gogh would have created Sunflowers in the way he did. All the things we love about creative professionals' work is a direct result of them getting out of bed and deciding to put themselves out in the world. And we can all learn from that. 

Go to social events, do what you feel drawn towards, because it's a great way to discover yourself and how much capability you really have. It only takes 2 clicks on a laptop to order a pizza to your house. Think how much you could create with a little thought and a few more clicks?

Make your voice heard!

As Michelle D'Avella writes (here), 

"The world does not carve out a space for the voiceless. They do not roll out a red carpet and invite the invisible to parade through."

Stay connected to the ones you love - participate fully in that group chat, make your voice heard when something doesn't feel right - refuse to pay the service charge if the waitress had no time for you! And make yourself heard!

Then see how it feels and leave a comment on this post :)

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Do you Find Positive People Annoying?

You might've experienced it. You are having a really rough day - your cat threw up on your favourite blanket, you missed the train and tripped over trying to run for it. You finally reach that friend you're having coffee with and hear the inevitable words 'well, on the bright side...'. 

Sometimes, we just want to dwell for a little while on how rubbish we feel. Hearing someone trying to see the positive side just feels inauthentic and misplaced, and it might even feel annoying. Either way, it can drive a gap between you and the person because your feelings seem invalidated. 

But in general, are 'positive people' just really annoying and unable to see the miserable parts of life? Unable to acknowledge that sometimes we just have a bad day? And that it feels rubbish when we do? To look into answering these questions it's important to look at a few things.

Why do I find it so annoying?

Firstly, what do you want from telling this person about how horrible your day so far has been? For many people it's validation. You want them to sit and listen to you and say 'aww, that does sound terrible. Let me get you a cup of tea'.  Maybe not the tea but you get the idea. It's validation you're looking for in that moment. 

And when they look you in the eyes and say 'well, it could be worse!', this feels like the opposite of validation. And it is. Deep down you have built up expectations of what this person will say, and they have totally thwarted them (off topic but thwart is a word I learnt recently and love, so I'm pretty happy to have got it into my writing!).

More generally, how often do you find yourself moaning about things to this positive annoying person you have in mind? You might be surprised to find that it is more often than you think. As Dawn Gluskin writes (here): 

'For somebody trapped in a negative thinking cycle... the optimism, certainty and fearlessness of a positive-thinker can seem unbelievable and, yes, even downright annoying'

What can I do differently?

Remove the expectation.

In order to enjoy this person's company, the only real way to do it is to remove that expectation. And the only way to do this is to learn to validate yourself. 

• Be aware of your feelings.
• Recognise that all of your feelings are natural, temporary and justified. 
• Comfort yourself when you're experiencing difficult feelings - be your own loving friend or parent (see my blog post about your inner parent here).

If you can keep yourself feeling validated, you won't need someone else to do it for you, so you won't find it quite so annoying when someone else doesn't follow your expectations. 

Address your resentments.

If this has been an issue with this particular person for a long time, address your resentments and old anger so that you can focus more when you're with them. One way of doing this is to write an anger letter to them (unsent), explaining what you're angry about. Then rip it up or burn it to represent a release of your feelings of resentment.

Focus on gratitude

You might still find that you feel angry talking to them. Focus on your gratitude towards them and the things they have done and do for you. Usually, someone is doing the best they can - they are trying to help you, and though it can be difficult when they are not validating you, focus on what they are trying to do. Which is to make you feel better, normally. 

Another post will follow about forgiveness and resentments. As always, share and write in the comments if you have any thoughts :)

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Solo Cinema Going: Not Only for the Lonely!

Does the idea of sitting in a cinema seat alone scare you? All those rows of identical seats with groups of people dispersed, munching happily on popcorn in the company of their friends and family, while you try to bear it out in the hope that you won't be noticed.

What if I told you it could be really different? You could actually find it a really nurturing and self discovering experience. With Odeon's new Limitless scheme (see more here), trying this out is easier and less expensive than ever before.

Steps to doing this in a less awkward and embarrassing, more enjoyable and self-nourishing way:

Picking a cinema and film

1) Pick your cinema

This might sound fussy but it is true that some cinemas are, well, nicer than others. You probably have a couple of local ones and some have nicer seats than others, you might prefer the atmosphere in one - a whole lot of things. Pick the one that feels right for you to get a good start to the experience.

The other thing is that some cinemas are novelty cinemas. For example, open-air cinemas (check out this Time Out article), and the lovely Everyman cinemas, which have sofas and service to your seat (see their website here). There are also drive-in cinemas. You might like to check these out with friends, but you might like to check out something like Everyman on your own.

2) Pick your film

If you're nervous, start out small. Go to a film which has been out for a little while, and to the cinema at a more unusual time (say the afternoon instead of the inevitably busier evening). You'll be surprised to see who else is there at that time. The first time I went to the cinema alone, my fellow audience was two other solo viewers!

Having said that, try to see a film you're actually interested in! Spend a little while looking at the trailers on the cinema's website and getting excited about the film. After all, that's what the trip is really about.


Entering the cinema

3) Stock up on comforts.

One great thing about going alone is not having to share the snacks! Take some time to browse the snacks and listen to yourself. What do you actually want? This trip is about nurturing yourself, so if you love salty popcorn and soda, go for it!

In terms of other comforts, when I go to the cinema I like to take a blanket! This idea might be a 'no way' for you, but it's something to think about, even when you go with friends - it gets cold sometimes in those places!

4) Use the self service or book online.

This can be really helpful, especially if you're nervous. Most cinemas now have a self service machine where you can book at your own pace without being afraid that the staff member is judging you. They're probably not - after all, you're giving them something to do at this probably quiet time of the day, but for those of you who can't help but be worried, the self service checkout is a good option.

Entering the screen

5) Pick a seat.

When you've entered the cinema,  pick a seat exactly where you want it! Don't settle for a seat on the outside if you like a central view, but if you like to sit on the aisle to be able to get out if you need to, do that. The beauty of being alone is that you can tailor it to exactly how you want it.

6) Notice the adverts.

One big part of discovering self identity was, for me, looking at the adverts for films and making my own judgements on them. They are great triggers for having opinions about things, and making a conscious effort to notice your opinions helps you to engage with your inner self.

It is also really mindful watching the adverts and the film because your attention is focused on the big screen in front of you - it is rare to become distracted and if you do it is easy to bring yourself back.

Enjoy the film!

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Tips for Guided Visualisations

In my last inner child blog post (here), I explored the benefits of making friends with your inner child. The first step was to connect with him or her. One of the ways I talked about was using visualisation to connect, which I will explore in more detail here.

A guided visualisation based around the inner child might sound a bit scary. Firstly, it is very safe. To exit a hypnosis or visualisation all you have to do is open your eyes. If you find it emotionally overwhelming it might be helpful to ground yourself if you find yourself needing to finish the visualisation suddenly (methods here).

Just like a guided meditation, guided visualisations can be found in great numbers to download online. They often start with the same grounding processes: finding a centre point such as the breath to work with, relaxing the body and listening to the guide's voice. They then differ by telling you to imagine a scene, e.g. walking through the woods.

Every visualisation is different, and every visualiser's vision is different. Some tips for visualisation:

• Try not to worry if you can't immediately imagine a place. If the guide says to imagine a wood and your vision of the woods keeps changing, go with the first image that comes to mind. The actual image is not wholly important, because it will develop and you will find that whatever image you chose will come to have meaning.

• Let your mind go deep into your imagination! If you're imagining a fire-breathing dragon swooping down from above, feel free to keep on imagining. There are no set rules to visualisation and the more you imagine the more you can find meaning from.

Here is a guided inner child meditation for you to have a go with. Please feel free to leave feedback as to how you found the visualising experience!

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Why to Get Planning a Trip to your Local National Trust Property!

I was inspired to write this after visiting my local national trust property (Ightam Mote), which I visited today. I came away feeling really spiritually at peace, and began to wonder why that building has such an effect on me. 

So this is the building which has such a peaceful effect on me. It is set in beautiful gardens where I have visited a series of times over my life:

Through all the ups and downs in my life, this place has been preserved and has stayed exactly the same. The bricks on the walls surrounding the mote have kept the same texture, the creaky wooden floors inside the property have made the same sounds as my feet have walked across it, and the light shines in and creates shadows through the same windows. 

This timeless, unchanging aspect of the building reminds me of nature and why I find it grounding. No matter what is happening in my life or in my head, nature remains constant. It is extremely reliable, and the way I think and feel when looking at it changes but can always bring me back to my centre point. 

Nature is also generally very well-loved, and looking at the careful placement of flowers in gardens  reminds me of the amazingness of love. How it is always around in some capacity and can be sought out when needed. Walking around Ightam Mote, this same sense of love for the building can be detected as you go past light sensors, ’no touch’ signs and doting volunteers.

“We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us.” 

- Winston Churchill

Interestingly, Churchill himself found Ightam Mote to be a spiritual retreat, and after going through a difficult time in his life he came to visit and painted this picture, which hangs at the property today:

So even though National Trust properties might remind you of boring days as a child, it might be spiritually refreshing to spend a while looking around one, on your own or with someone you love. If you’re lucky enough to live near Ightam Mote, even better!

Feel free to share and/or comment if you found this interesting or insightful :)

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Ightam Mote's website here

6 Myths About Meditation.

Today I signed up for meditation teacher training! So I thought I'd share a little on my blog about six common myths about meditation:

1. 'My mind's just too busy to meditate'
Meditation is perfect for people who can't seem to clear their mind! Not just because advanced meditators might find it easier to clear their mind, but because every human brain is busy, and that is what meditation works with. It is about learning when the mind is going off on track, or off on a tangent, and bringing it back to a centre point. The more you think this happens, the more you have to work with!

2. 'It takes years of practice to reap the benefits'
The most experienced meditators come back to meditation for the benefit it provides day-to-day, rather than an accumulative build up. You can start feeling the benefits during your first meditation - someone who has just started finding their feet in the practice receives many more benefits than a person with the most vast meditating experience who is not practicing.

3. I don't have enough time

This video is proof that you can bring meditation into your life in just two minute bursts if you really feel that's all you have time for! Longer practices can easily be slotted into an adapted routine - you could get up 10 minutes earlier, or you can even do a sleep meditation as you are falling asleep!

4. It's for the religious
The only difference between you and a deeply religious person is your beliefs. The religious person still has the same skeleton, the same bodily functions, probably the same material things. As long as you are able to be aware of your body in some capacity (for instance, being aware of your breath), you can meditate just as rewardingly as someone with religious beliefs!

5. I tried it once and it wasn't for me
How good meditation feels varies hugely between practices. There might have been circumstances which meant you didn't have a great practice - all sorts of things can affect it. I'd advise to keep trying different meditation techniques (different guided meditations or different teachers) until you feel comfortable in the class. Just looking at this article shows that a part of you is intrigued! 

6. I can't sit cross legged
Meditation can be done in any comfortable position - one of my favourite positions is lying down in bed! 

“Meditation is realizing and expanding your inner beauty in every direction.” 

― Amit Ray

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