A Letter From One Woman to Another

Today on the train I saw a lady closely reading an article entitled 'How to lose belly fat'. So I decided to write her an unsent letter:

To the woman on the train,

I see you reading. Scouring the words to find the secret so many women crave. Your eyes move across the lines of letters and you relate them to parts of you. 

You think about your daily routine: the cup of coffee you have in the morning, the minutes you spend gazing out at the nature in your garden. The time you spend organising your bag before you leave. You wonder if you can cut those things out to run up and down the stairs a few times.

The article encourages you to make a decision to cut out the coffee-making. That hot chocolate before bed can be cut out too. Get up before 6am for best results. I see you open your phone and set an alarm in a moment of motivation, motivated by hatred for the fat on your body.

But the problem is, the words on the page are very limited. They only go as far as 800 or so words, when 1000 more could explain to you so much more. The morning gazing is part of wonder - part of enjoying your surroundings and giving you happiness. 

The sorting of your bag in the morning helps you to have everything you need for the day. The hot chocolate in the evening warms you up, comforts you and soothes your body into a long sleep. That 6am wake up call will cut your sleep short to 7 hours. Your long sleeps help you to be well-rested throughout the day. It will mean an hour less to cuddle your boyfriend.

Before you start making these decisions, think about what you are sacrificing. The feelings and life energy you get from your daily routine are more important than any results you could get from losing inches of belly fat. You are considering taking away from your personality to lose your body weight.

If you treat yourself well and give yourself what you need, and don't sacrifice this for a self-conscious need, you will be happier than the happiness weight loss could give you. If you were at risk of health problems at your weight, perhaps to treat yourself better would mean to change your lifestyle. 

But this also would be in the name of self-love, and looking at you it does not apply even slightly. Especially because you are looking for this advice in a flimsy magazine rather than from a health professional. 

I hope that one day you can realise this; that one day you will simply flick past weight loss articles in magazines. Maybe one day you will see someone else reading an article. Perhaps it will be a woman on a train. 

And perhaps you will realise how far you have come as you find your mind filling up with sadness. Sadness that someone would even consider depriving themselves of their self-loving routine when that is what is so beautiful about them. And that is what gives them their glow - it is nothing to do with their weight. 

All the best
A woman who once read these articles on trains. 

Image from here

3 Things I've Learnt From Working With Kids

You might have noticed that I haven't posted a blog this week! The reason is that I've been waking up before 8am most days, to spend nearly 9 hours surrounded by 5-7 year old children, before going home, falling asleep quickly and starting the cycle again.

It's been exhausting, but so much fun! I only work at the 5-day-a-week camp for 4 days each week, and as it came to my last day I was looking forward to having a day off, but now I have been struck by unexpected FOMO (fear of missing out)! As I sat enjoying my day off, my mind kept wondering to what the kids would be up to, how their Friday talent show went, whether they'd be missing me and lots of reflections which led me to write this blog post!

As much as the kids have learned and developed on camp, I have learnt a lot too. In fact, here's a list of five things I've learnt while running sports and activity sessions for them:

1) There is a child inside all of us.

I handled a situation where 6 children were asked to split into two groups. It seems a simple enough task, but when you're 6 and desperately want to be with your friends, it becomes a trickier task. I watched as 3 of the 4 girls physically clung together, urging the other girl to go over to the boys' team in fear that they would not be the one who had to go over.

The fear in their eyes was almost visible, and reminded me of the fear I have felt and sometimes feel. The type of fear when you arrive onto a bus or coach with friends, only to find that most seats are taken and you have to sit apart for the time-being. Or the fear when you arrive with friends to a bar only to find you've forgotten to bring your ID, and you hope someone will come back home with you.

I think too often, we put ourselves down for feeling fears, even if we choose the right option. Just because one girl eventually chose to leave her desired team, it doesn't mean her fear wasn't real. Her fear made her actions even braver. Our inner child's fears and our adult conquering of these fears show bravery deserving recognition and celebration.

2) The people you surround yourself with really matter.

Children generally can't choose who they surround themselves with. But when they do get to choose, they choose wisely. As two children played Happy Families in my group, I went over to hear them arguing about one of them playing unfairly.

"I've got plenty of other friends I can go and play with", one of them said calmly. I was struck by her maturity in the situation, and that she recognised she was not stuck in this situation. Many adults see themselves as trapped with certain people, but it important to remember we always have a choice. 

3) It's not all about the winning.

Yesterday I ran a group where the kids had to crack a code. They were in two teams and they had two rounds. The first time, the team I was supervising and helping out were all over the place. They hadn't listened to the instructions properly, and as a result they were breaking lots of rules and having lots of arguments with each other about what they should be doing. The other team won the round.

By the time it came to the second round, I decided it was time to give them a prep talk about how they should try to listen to each other, take turns, and delegate (let one person write as another looked for clues). They followed these ideas and as a result, they cracked the code far quicker and encouraged and helped each other.

As it turned out, the other team had also changed their tactics and had cracked the code faster. The other team won again. As one child burst into tears about the loss, I found myself explaining that it's not all about the winning. They had worked together better, cracked the code faster and done a great job. I was so impressed that I considered their improvement a win in itself! 

This got me thinking about how in games and life, our only real progress marker is how well we have done against our past self - how much we have improved and how much effort we have put into improving. There are all types of winning - not just the overall 'win'.

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I'll be working at this camp for 3 more weeks, so I will probably post some more learning updates about my time with the kids, but for now I am signing off to sleep!

Image from here

Four Life-Changing Attitudes We Can Learn From Mandela

Nelson Mandela, 18th July 1918 - 5th December 2013, is a household name around the world, due to his role in the South African anti-apartheid revolution and the ANC, his 27 years in prison and later, his 5 years of presidency in South Africa. He had a wide impact on tackling racism, and is well known for his quote in Long Walk to Freedom (Mandela, available here):

"No none is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite".

In 2014 I was lucky enough to take a trip to Robben Island, Cape Town, where I saw his prison cell. I also watched the film Long Walk to Freedom, which taught me about his values in such a way that when I entered the corridor of his cell, it was a sad but also greatly inspirational experience. This is what I will write about today as a tribute to Mandela Day (the anniversary of his birthday). 

Attitudes which stand out to me when I think about Mandela:

• Prompting change without causing bloodshed
  
  When we look around in the world nowadays, many people are trying to change it. Terrorists, for example, who are trying to make impact by killing people. Mandela realised that violence was not the answer to prompting the changes he and others wanted to see.
  
  Though violence or outburst can be tempting when we feel trapped or angry with how things are, Mandela was mindful of those feelings and tried to find the best way to communicate them for change. This is something that can help us to step back and observe before we act.

• Forgiveness
  
  Mandela was well known for forgiving others. He made friends with wardens, saying that 'courageous people do not fear forgiving', because he recognised that holding resentment towards people is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  
  In other words, holding resentments only harms you and is counterproductive. Being able to forgive frees you to take any actions you need to and live more peacefully.
  
• Faith
  
  A friend of Mandela, Fikile Bam, who was on Robben Island with him for ten years, said (on Mandela - available here):
  
  
  Although he had been sentenced to life imprisonment, he made it clear in all his being, that [it] was unlikely that he would finish all his time in prison ... It was, in fact, a condition of our survival in prison, to believe that we would win. The struggle would be successful in the end. We'd be out of prison during our life time.
  
  

  Faced with life in prison, many might or might feel temptation to give up, in a sense. Believing that you may one day leave and experience freedom is a very faithful belief, which promotes self improvement and improves self esteem. 

  
  

  In The Secret (available here), Rhonda Byrne insists that belief and faith in something you want will make it happen. Mandela definitely didn't read The Secret, but the similar way he chose to think helped him to endure and make the most of being in prison. 
• Kindness
  
  Ex prisoner Fikile Bam also wrote about Mandela's attitude towards prison warders:
  
  
  The one thing I can talk about is that he was always generally very polite courteous to warders. He greeted them, but at the same time, he didn't cow down to any warder at any level. He was just very courteous.
  
  

  We all have people in our lives who try to control us, whether it's to the extreme of a prison guard or not. Being kind to everyone, no matter their behaviour towards us (to an extent), shows a great level of tolerance. This tolerance is a reflection of an inner peace - that we accept and love ourselves unconditionally and are able to accept others in the same way.

Mandela's prison cell when I visited in 2014

Peering into his old prison cell on Robben Island, knowing his attitudes and ways of being, I felt the love and acceptance he felt towards every human there has ever been and will be. He not only helped to reduce racism, but he showed peace and integrity throughout his life that has inspired more change across the globe than he ever knew. 

My favourite powerful Mandela quotes:

• Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
• I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
• It always seems impossible until it's done. 
• The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. 
• If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.

Image from here

Underneath the Anger of a 'Remain' Voter

The EU referendum result has come as a shock to many, especially to the 48.1% of people who voted to remain. Following the result, my Facebook newsfeed has been filled with posts of rage. Anger-fuelled arguments between remain and leave voters are slowly dying down but are still happening.

Why do I feel so angry?

As written on this website, anger is often called a 'secondary emotion', because we turn to it to 'protect ourselves from or cover up other vulnerable feelings'. We might also feel:

• Afraid
• Attacked
• Offended
• Disrespected
• Forced
• Trapped
• Pressured

Anger as a secondary emotion is really common. For instance, if I feel hurt because someone says something rude to me, I might go from hurt to anger and respond in anger.

Why does this happen?

This is a natural response. To show that we feel hurt by something, especially when we feel vulnerable, might lead to further hurt. Therefore to protect ourselves and still feel we have expressed our unhappiness, turning to anger serves us a purpose. 

However, this can be unhealthy. Imagine a workplace where your boss is under a lot of pressure. If this comes out as anger towards the rest of the team (which is actually quite common), this can have negative effects on the staff - their welfare and in terms of the business, less efficiency.

How about the EU referendum results?

From a more detailed analysis of our reactions, there are a number of things coming up (at least amongst the people I know) - people feel:

• Unheard
• Divided
• Scared

Personally, I am scared of:

• The split between British people and their opinions causing tensions within the UK. 
• The uncertainty as to what will happen to EU national students living in the UK.
• Uncertainties about my future ability to work or live abroad within the EU.
• Economic damage to the UK and my personal finances being affected by this - what will happen when I want to get onto the property ladder in a few years?
• Issues with national security - I am afraid of the idea of my safety being compromised. 

Writing down this list brought up a lot of fear for me. Fear is a difficult feeling, and to make it easier it could all be condensed into an angry statement like this:

"I just can't believe that people would be so stupid as to vote out!"

But this seems to have jumped a little. And though it might be natural to feel angry, it is worth looking into your feelings of anger to find out what is underneath them. After all, if half of the country is angry at the other half, this could cause tensions, and even violence, (which is one of my personal fears about leaving the EU!). 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that taking our anger at face value can have severe implications, and to be honest about the feelings underneath might be new, but can defuse our anger and lead to a more practical approach to what is going to come next for the UK, rather than anger-fuelled tensions.

As always, feel free to like, comment and share! :)

Image 1 from here

Image 2 from here

5 Steps: Facing up to Your Bank Balance!

"I don't want to look at my bank balance" is something often heard around young people. But it's not just young people who struggle to check. Only 65% of adults check their bank balance each week. So how can the other 30% do this and why is it important anyway?

Knowing what's your bank account is going through is important. It helps us avoid things like:

• Overdraft charges
• Being unable to pay rent/bills on time
• Having to borrow money
• The scary world of payday loans
• Being in debt

It is well-known that people in debt suffer from more stress, which can lead to things like mental health problems, high blood pressure and a weaker immune system. The more problems you have like this, the more money you need to spend on travel, time off work etc., and it becomes a cycle.

So how can I make this less painful?

It can be hard to check your bank account. Seeing a low number leads to feelings which a lot of people would rather avoid, at least for the time being. But the more you are on top of your bank account, the more you can avoid feelings like dread and anxiety. 

Putting off checking leads to more of these feelings, and although feelings are very valid and ok, it is best to try and foster positive feelings, like empowerment and gratitude. So start today if you can. 

Practical tips:

1) Calculate in and out-goings.

So you've decided you're ready to check. First it might be a good idea to get a sheet of paper and write on the left your 'in' payments, and on the right your 'out' payments. It is a good idea to do this for a month worth of commitments. If you are a student, do this as your student loan arrives and calculate for the term.

You can also see whether medium term you need to look at increasing your hours at work to sustain yourself, or whether you are working enough that you can save some money.

2) Get comfortable.

Personally I like to do this in a coffee shop or somewhere similar. Somewhere where I can have a cup of coffee in hand as I sort things out. I also like to give myself a lot of time for this, and print out a statement from the machine at the bank, so it's current.

Take a deep breath, remind yourself that everything is ok. You are safe. You are supported and you have people who will support you and look after you. If you don't have anyone or are going to really struggle, there are always options of some kind. Keep reminding yourself of this. Repeating an affirmation in your mind can help, such as 'I am supported'.

3) Take a look

Then, when you feel safe and supported, have a look at your balance. Be prepared for any feelings that might come up. They are all valid. Even if it's excitement because you have more than you thought. If you feel sad, give yourself a minute to process it. Ground yourself to keep yourself in the situation. This is something you can cope with.

4) Adjust your spending

Calculate how much money you can spend per day, when you've taken out rent, bills, food and all other essential things. You may choose to include travel in this if you get the bus a lot. Be realistic at this point. If you know you get the bus, incorporate it in your essentials budget. If you get a cup of coffee every day, don't pretend you don't - add it to the budget!

Then calculate your left over money for the time period, and divide it by the number of days so that you have a set amount per day you can spend. This might be on social plans, birthdays, snacks, e.t.c. Now write it down clearly, and put it up somewhere - maybe your fridge or a notice board.

If you find that you do not have much money left to do things, consider cutting your essentials budget. For instance, could you walk to work instead of getting the bus? Could you cycle? Calculate the feasibility of different options and see. You could also look at things like buying cheaper foods or shopping at a different supermarket.

Here you could also look at borrowing more money if you need to, or paying back your overdraft gradually. You could also think about longer-term things like cheaper accommodation.

5) Congratulate yourself

It's important to acknowledge that you've just done something really difficult! Treat yourself with your money for that day. Having been at many places on the spectrum, I'd recommend a DVD from CEX or craft materials from Poundland if you're at the low end. You'd be surprised where you can cut costs but still be treated!

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Now enjoy your new feelings of empowerment about your money budget, and feel grateful for how much better you feel now that you're on top of things. If you're feeling inspired having read this, let me know by sharing, commenting or liking the post!

Image 1 source here
Image 2 source here

See You On Monday!

I am off on holiday to Blackpool this week and I decided not to take my laptop - so my next post will be on Monday. Take care and have a great week everyone! I'll leave you with this video of the rollercoaster I'll get to go on:

Problems with the ‘don’t care’ attitude

Strolling through a local popular clothes shop recently I looked around the store to be confronted by a huge number of statement t shirts. The writing on each ranged from ‘not all those who wonder are lost’, to the more provoking quotes such as ‘be nice or be history’ and ‘nope still don’t care’.

The popularity of these harsh statement t shirts was shown to me by the large group of teenage girls gathered around the t shirts, laughing at their boldness. Yet for me, the idea of a young impressionable person wearing one of these shirts is accompanied by an uncomfortable sadness.

For me, this sadness stems from knowing the impression that one could want to give with the sentence ‘nope still don’t care’. A vibe that the wearer is bulletproof. They have inner contentment and they don’t put up with anyone who tries to get in the way of their happy vibes.

But people who are happy have acceptance. Firstly, of themselves, but also of others. They tolerate their own imperfections in order to love themselves, and to love others and have a great experience of the world they need to tolerate others’ imperfections as well. A lack of this tolerance implies that the wearer is not accepting, of others but probably of themselves also.

People who experience true happiness also feel negative feelings. When another person prompts angry or sad feelings in them, they sit through these hard feelings because it allows them to feel happiness properly too. Really, they don’t try and numb some feelings but not others – they feel and explore all in their fullness.

That’s not to say that they allow people to walk all over them. They put up firm boundaries to create healthy relationships, and they might give out a similar message to ‘nope, still don’t care’ in the format of ‘This isn’t something you should talk to me about, perhaps you could ask a therapist or another friend’ when the conversation feels inappropriate.

This way of communicating encourages the friend to seek help without impacting on the relationship and driving the friend away. Therefore, our healthy person keeps a healthy relationship with a, hopefully, healthy person. It takes away the drama from the friendship that would occur if they just said ‘no I don’t care’, and adds the much enjoyed authenticity of good relationships.

I suppose in a round-about way I’m trying to say that I think these t shirts encourage an attitude which is inauthentic and could be dangerous for an impressionable person. To have this attitude does not create true happiness, instead a false sense of security which on further inspection can be rocked quite easily. If you don’t want to put up with people treating you a certain way, deal with it maturely (for a further post) instead of putting up harsh barriers for yourself.