We're all familiar with optical illusions. Whether it's two heads or a vase, a young or an old woman, or straight lines which appear to bend, it is clear that our brains can be tricked into seeing things differently to how they actually appear.
Over the last week, I've been thinking about how our brains, in a similar way, interpret peoples' comments differently to how they were intended.
When you stare at the top of the elephant, your brain might see four legs with the feet underneath. This is not actually the case when you look at the feet, but your brain tries to add new information to create a picture it makes sense of.
This also happens when people say things to us. For example:
Nick is showing Jo around his house. He recently added a new TV to his wall, which he believes is too big for the space. When she sees the TV, Jo comments: 'Wow, that's a big TV!'.
To break this down,
- Jo's intentions
- To make conversation.
- To show Nick she cares about what he's showing her.
- To show she is impressed with the size of his TV.
- Nick's thoughts
- 'She thinks it's too big for that wall'
- 'I should've bought a different size'
- 'She probably thinks I'm a technology-obsessed idiot'
You might notice some differences between what Nick thinks Jo thought, and her actual thoughts. If he hadn't already been thinking about his unhappiness at the size of the TV, his assumptions might have been different when he heard the comment.
So why is this important?
In my experience, the biggest cause of drama and fallings out in friendships and relationships is miscommunication. When words are taken to mean more than they actually do, this causes problems. For instance, negative effects on Nick might be:
- Negative beliefs about himself may be strengthened.
- Might spend money he doesn't have on a new TV.
- May lower his self esteem.
All of these consequences might have been avoided had Nick had a closer look at his thoughts.
How can my thoughts change?
I believe that thoughts are very automatic. It is hard to change which thoughts actually come up, but it is beneficial to become aware of them and challenge them where you can. Next time a relative or friend says a comment to you, try these steps, which have helped me in my relationships:
- Become aware of your thoughts.
- Write them down if you can.
- This is in an observational, not a judgemental way. If you find yourself thinking 'I shouldn't be thinking this', try to push past it and write it down as if you were observing the results of an experiment.
- Rationalise
- In a column next to your thoughts, write next to each one the likelihood of it being true. Argue as if you were a lawyer prosecuting your thoughts (excuse the law references, I've been watching Suits avidly this week!).
- What would the person's intentions be? The likelihood is, they are not being malicious.
- How do these intentions differ from how you're feeling? Note the difference. Circle it, highlight it. Doodle all over the page.
- Be kind to yourself
- Lots of things will come up. Take them as they come and congratulate yourself for being insightful into how you feel.
- Treat yourself - a new journal to do this written process is always a nice idea when you're going into so much detail :)
- Change things
- If you believe this person is actually commenting in a malicious way, do what you can to remove that person from your life.
- If the person is not removable, for instance a close family member, then come up with some coping methods - can you spend less time around them? Or avoid certain topics of conversation?
- Voice yourself. If you feel they are being unfair and it is in their interest to know this, let them know how you feel about what they just said.
Just as when you see an optical illusion, question what you're understanding about situations so you can get a more authentic view of what's really going on. This process is not dissimilar to CBT workbooks, such as this one you can buy from Amazon (link here).
Let me know how you get on in the comments :)
Image from here
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