6 Tips for Enjoying the Wait for Payday!

Just to make you all aware, I have published an article on Recovery Warriors about how perfectionists meditate! Full of personal experience and knowledge of the frustrations of trying to close your eyes and stay focused. The link is here!

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It seems that more often than not I find myself waiting for a pay day. No matter how much I try to budget there always seem to be at least a few days where I only have about £1 to spend each day. From social media I gather that this is not uncommon, so here are some tips for when it happens.

1.  Make sure you have enough food.
   
   To be able to have fun, you need to be nourished. Make sure that at the first sign that you might run out of money, food becomes a priority. Stock up on freezer foods and UHT milk if you need to - make sure you will have enough until pay day.
   
   If you are unable to pay for food, and will not have enough to eat, consider asking to borrow from family or friends, or in the worst case scenario, think about going to your local food bank (there is a list here should you need to look for your closest).
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2. Find good company.
   
   If you are struggling to afford things, you might be feeling a bit miserable. Many friends might be on holiday and posting pictures all over social media. It can be nice to get out of the house, off of social media and into a real life friendship with someone you enjoy spending time with.
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3. Go to a park.
   
   The last few days have been really sunny, and in this kind of weather it can be nice to sunbathe in a park. If you want refreshments, you don't have to spend £s - for instance, you can buy a cream soda for 39p and an ice lolly for 60p from a corner shop - that's 99p for refreshment!
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4. Make art.
   
   If you have the materials at home, it can be nice to spend hours creating art. Sometimes when our schedules are busy it is easy to overlook how fun it can be to get out all your painting materials, but being limited in what you can do is a great opportunity.
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5. Write a gratitude list every day.
   
   To keep things in perspective, write out what you are grateful for. If you have a journal, write a gratitude list in it each day to remind you how much fun you have had. It can be easy to get swept up into feeling sad about having no money, so this is a great way to feel positive.
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6. When you do get money, reflect.
   
   Whenever I get money after having a while of going without, I tend to make a small gesture to ground myself and remind myself of the value of having money. For instance, giving to charity, to a homeless person, or to a church. 

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How Life Drawing Can Improve Body Image

When I stepped into my first life drawing class, charcoal at the ready, I definitely felt in awe of the models who could stand completely naked for nearly 2 hours. Afterwards, I felt grateful to them for showing me a different way of seeing my body.

I'm not the only one who's experienced this - researchers have found that attending life drawing classes has a positive effect on body image, especially for women (see link here).

My feelings before entering the class were:

• The female body 'should' be a certain way (the way portrayed in magazines and the media).
• Bodies are to be seen in a critical and comparative way.

During and after one class (and those that followed), I began to see the body differently. 

1. Seeing the body artistically rather than critically
   
   During the class, on viewing the body I was looking at the curves and shapes and how I could transfer them onto the paper in front of me. Whether the model should lose a few inches here or there didn't even come into my mind.
   
   After the class, this view of the body continued as I looked at my own. I began to see it for the shapes and curves which link together to form my silhouette. I began to look at the shadows and highlights and instead of to diets, my mind wondered to how I could represent the way the light falls on my body on paper.
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2. Seeing realistic models
   
   As I said before, I was used to seeing bodies in magazines. I had fears, as many do, that there was something unusual or 'wrong' about my body and the way it was formed. Seeing life models showed me honestly that bodies do come in all shapes and sizes. `
   
   Never once did I feel judgemental about one of the model's bodies, so why would I feel judgemental about my own? Why was I the exception to the rule I had created?
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3. Letting go of the need to be perfect
   
   When the class started, I was really surprised when the man leading the group told us we had 2 minutes for our first few sketches! At a point when I was a bit of a perfectionist, alarm bells rang in my head as I realised I wouldn't be able to do my best drawing.
   
   After just a couple of sketches, I felt able to let go of my panic. A short drawing time allows you to focus on the drawing process rather than the overall result. As a result, I found a love for sketching and creativity in general, and let go of the need to create something perfect. 
   
   Letting go of the need for perfection extended to my body image. I was able to enjoy my body for its functions and processes, rather than for its overall shape or weight, which became very unimportant, especially after a few classes.

After undergoing these processes, after a few classes this was my changed view of the body:

• The body can be seen as a series of artistic lines and shapes, rather than a 'whole' for criticising. 
• All bodies are different and this is perfectly fine, normal and acceptable.

Image from here

The 5 Natural Stages of Grief

Have you ever lost someone? The kind of loss I'll be talking about in this post is not only when a close relative passes away. Loss could be breaking up with a partner, grieving the loss of a partner or person years ago, losing an inspirational person (e.g. when a loved celebrity dies), leaving education, losing your job. We experience loss a lot more than we think we do. So how can we best deal with it?

There are five main stages of grief, as defined by a lady called Elisabeth Kubler-Ross from Switzerland. She outlined them as follows:

1) Denial

The first main stage, which helps us to survive the loss. The world becomes meaningless and life doesn't seem to make sense as we go into a kind of shock. Days blur into one another and our goals are about getting through each day. This allows for the pacing of feelings, and only enough feelings are let in that we can handle. 

2) Anger

This stage can feel endless. It will hurt, but the more you let yourself feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate. We might have other feelings underneath the anger, but anger is the emotion we are used to feeling the most, so other feelings come out as anger. Your anger might spread - you might find yourself feeling angry at the little things, or focusing your anger on one particular person. You might find yourself feeling angry at God if you are religious or agnostic, and this can be one reason why some people turn to atheism. 

3) Bargaining

This can come during anticipatory grief - if a loved one is very ill and you want them to live. It can also happen afterwards as we start to think 'what if' and 'if only' thoughts, or 'if I could go back in time what would I do differently?'. This can also be accompanied by guilt. This part focuses our attention on ourselves and can lead to treating ourselves badly if it is not rationalised. This is a natural part of grief, but remember it is your body's way of trying to negotiate our way out of the pain. 

4) Depression

After bargaining happens, we begin to come back to where we are at in our lives. Our feelings of emptiness and sadness come at us on a deep level. It might feel like it will last forever and you may end up withdrawing from your life. This is a normal response and it would be unusual not to feel this way. This can help us to get through this part of our healing process. 

5) Acceptance

This is a new stage where we begin to accept reality. We recognise that they have gone and learn to live with it. We readjust our lives and start to reach out. This doesn't mean we are suddenly 'ok' with what has happened, but if the grief process has been given the time it needs, we start having good days again and reinvesting in our lives as they are. 

Here is a chart of the grief process: 

The important things to take away from this post are:

• Grief needs time. 
• Be kind to yourself through this process and remind yourself it is natural. 
• If you feel angry, try not to do anything you might later regret. Keep your anger expressed in healthy ways - it is a normal part of grief. Turning it on yourself, your friends or precious objects that remind you of your loss can be hard to deal with later. 

Let me know how you get on or any thoughts you have and share this post if you've found it helpful :) 

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Read more about grief here

3 Ways to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparing ourselves to others comes pretty naturally to most of us. With our young lives often being dominated by achievement at school, sports clubs or music, it is no wonder that the desire to be the best sometimes follows us through to adulthood.

Why not compare?

Comparing ourselves is, according to Sonya Derian (link here), a faulty logic. Sonya uses the example of an introvert. Say an introvert, who feels energised after periods of solitude, compares herself to an outgoing extrovert who gets bored spending an hour alone.

Any conclusions the introvert would come to would be irrational and illogical because everyone is different. We are all on our own paths, which might start more converged (e.g. at primary school), but as we grow older we diverge and become more and more varied.

This variation is part of the beauty of humans. It's the reason why you can go to one friend for a great night out and might choose another for a deep and meaningful conversation about life. We all have different strengths and weaknesses in different situations.

Further, we often find ourselves comparing ourselves on our worst days to others on their best. This is inaccurate because we can't get into the minds of others like we can ourselves. This quote captures this conundrum really well:

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel" - Steven Furtick

Comparison vs inspiration

You might be thinking, 'what about that actress I follow on Instagram?'. You might think someone is great because they seem to have a lot of fun and have qualities you admire. Provided this comes from a healthy place of wanting to empower yourself to have these qualities, this can be healthy. 

But if you find yourself gazing at 'fitspo' ten times a day and feeling guilty that you haven't got the post-gym glow that fitfam101 has right now, then read on!

How can I stop?

1. Identifying thoughts
   
   When you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else, take a mental note of what your thoughts are. Becoming aware is the first step to change.
2. Gratitude
   
   Often these thoughts come from a place of feeling like you aren't enough as you are. Focus on gratitude and write down some things you have which you are grateful for. Remember, that person you're comparing yourself to might be comparing themselves to someone with an even better car - comparison creates a moving goal post.
3. Empower yourself
   
   If there is something you consistently feel is an issue for you, consider making a change. If many of your comparisons come from not liking your own circumstances, see how you can appreciate yours more or make a change. 

Freebie

I have put together a chart which you can print (link here) and use to help yourself to stop comparing. It also has some handy examples for you to follow so you can start empowering yourself.

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think by sending a comment on the box on the side of my blog - you can also like or share my posts easily :)

Image source here

Surprising Reasons to Play Sport

On a Google search of reasons to play sport, the two big reasons you should pick up a tennis racket or hockey stick are for health and fun. These reasons are great within their own right, but how else does sport contribute to wellbeing?

Today I played tennis with my partner. Two big things came up for me which showed me how great sport can be for wellbeing:

Challenging the ego

Firstly, I find that playing sport can easily damage my ego, especially when it is a one on one sport rather than a team sport. According to this post by Elyse Santilli, when your ego is in charge:

• You need validation
• You are easily bruised when things don't go your way
• You are consumed by emotions
• Your worth is dependent on external things

Winning is fun, but my ego puts a lot of pressure on me winning at things. Because I am very aware of it I find it enjoyable to notice my ego, let its pressures go and focus on what's really important. Today I made sure to remind myself that winning is not the important thing - enjoying spending time with my partner was the important thing today. 

Mindfulness

Firstly, sport is mindful. We scored, but after getting to 30-15 it was hard to stay on track and remember what our scores were. Remembering our scores and playing at the same time took up a lot of our focus, and distracting thoughts were continuously returned to the game and our scores. This distraction and returning of attention is very mindful and similar to meditation. 

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How Do You Set Up For Meditating?

I was reading The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg (a really great introduction to meditation - available here) when I came across her advice for a meditating posture. For many it is easier to start with a specific posture, one of which I will outline in this post. 

Hint: it is not the position this image shows!

1) Setting

Put together a meditation area. Make it a place where you feel comfortable, warm enough and safe and where you won't be disturbed (e.g. in your bedroom). This is my meditation area in my room:

I have some favourite, meaningful cushions with a book about meditation I'm currently reading. I also have a rose quartz stone which was a gift. According to this website, rose quartz is the crystal of unconditional love, compassion, peace and more. 

It might be nice to put some books, stones, quotes and signs in your meditation area. You could write some affirmations on paper and stick them up for you to meditate on (I'll write a future post about meditating on affirmations). Make it yours - in this space you will be doing a lot of self discovery!

2) Legs

Sitting on cushions on the floor, or in a chair if you feel more comfortable, gently cross your legs. Salzberg says (and I'd agree) to cross them at the ankles and swap your legs around if you get a 'dead leg' or pins and needles! To make it more comfortable, sit raised above the ground. You can buy a special meditation cushion for this (the pictured one is available here).

You might also like to have a blanket nearby or on your legs before you practice.

3) Arms

Your arms can go in different positions - people have all sorts of preferences. Up until recently I liked to let my arms relax, with my hands face down on my thighs. Recently, I have come to like Salzberg's meditation posture, which is shown here (image from here):

So your right hand is cupped in your left hand and your thumbs are touching. 

4) Back and neck

Keep your back straight and face straight ahead. This keeps the body nice and open for easier breathing and keeps you awake if you start the meditation feeling slightly drowsy! To keep your back straight, push your shoulders back slightly and chest forwards, keeping comfortable.

5) Face

The main thing with the face is to keep it relaxed. Salzberg suggests that your teeth should be slightly apart and your lips should fall apart just enough to admit a single grain of rice. Keep your jaw nice and relaxed and your face.

Then all you have to do is switch on a guided meditation or follow your breath (I'll cover following the breath shortly in another post). Please like, share or comment if you think others might benefit!

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Do you Find Positive People Annoying?

You might've experienced it. You are having a really rough day - your cat threw up on your favourite blanket, you missed the train and tripped over trying to run for it. You finally reach that friend you're having coffee with and hear the inevitable words 'well, on the bright side...'. 

Sometimes, we just want to dwell for a little while on how rubbish we feel. Hearing someone trying to see the positive side just feels inauthentic and misplaced, and it might even feel annoying. Either way, it can drive a gap between you and the person because your feelings seem invalidated. 

But in general, are 'positive people' just really annoying and unable to see the miserable parts of life? Unable to acknowledge that sometimes we just have a bad day? And that it feels rubbish when we do? To look into answering these questions it's important to look at a few things.

Why do I find it so annoying?

Firstly, what do you want from telling this person about how horrible your day so far has been? For many people it's validation. You want them to sit and listen to you and say 'aww, that does sound terrible. Let me get you a cup of tea'.  Maybe not the tea but you get the idea. It's validation you're looking for in that moment. 

And when they look you in the eyes and say 'well, it could be worse!', this feels like the opposite of validation. And it is. Deep down you have built up expectations of what this person will say, and they have totally thwarted them (off topic but thwart is a word I learnt recently and love, so I'm pretty happy to have got it into my writing!).

More generally, how often do you find yourself moaning about things to this positive annoying person you have in mind? You might be surprised to find that it is more often than you think. As Dawn Gluskin writes (here): 

'For somebody trapped in a negative thinking cycle... the optimism, certainty and fearlessness of a positive-thinker can seem unbelievable and, yes, even downright annoying'

What can I do differently?

Remove the expectation.

In order to enjoy this person's company, the only real way to do it is to remove that expectation. And the only way to do this is to learn to validate yourself. 

• Be aware of your feelings.
• Recognise that all of your feelings are natural, temporary and justified. 
• Comfort yourself when you're experiencing difficult feelings - be your own loving friend or parent (see my blog post about your inner parent here).

If you can keep yourself feeling validated, you won't need someone else to do it for you, so you won't find it quite so annoying when someone else doesn't follow your expectations. 

Address your resentments.

If this has been an issue with this particular person for a long time, address your resentments and old anger so that you can focus more when you're with them. One way of doing this is to write an anger letter to them (unsent), explaining what you're angry about. Then rip it up or burn it to represent a release of your feelings of resentment.

Focus on gratitude

You might still find that you feel angry talking to them. Focus on your gratitude towards them and the things they have done and do for you. Usually, someone is doing the best they can - they are trying to help you, and though it can be difficult when they are not validating you, focus on what they are trying to do. Which is to make you feel better, normally. 

Another post will follow about forgiveness and resentments. As always, share and write in the comments if you have any thoughts :)

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Making Friends with your Reflection: 4 Steps

We look at our reflections several times a day - and with the increasing popularity of the selfie, the number of times we see our own face per day is on the up. But without an awareness of the thoughts we are having when we see ourselves, this can be dangerous for our self esteem. 

Over the weekend I was lucky enough to bump into author Charlotte Reed, author of May The Thoughts Be With You, at her market stall at Portobello Road. Her book is available here and she also has a website (here). I couldn't put her book down until I'd read it all the way through, and one of her quotes really fits in with what I'm writing about in this post:

'Call yourself bad names often enough and your mind will start to believe them (luckily this also works for good names too!' - Charlotte Reed

Steps towards improving how you see your reflection:

1) Become aware of your thoughts

It is really common to hear people saying degrading things about themselves - body weight and shape, disliked bodily features and one's cleverness are all things which come under fire when talking in this way. But it is not only these out loud thoughts that need to be challenged.

The thoughts can be very subconscious, and because they are repeated a lot, often we are unaware of them. The only way things can change is if you become aware of them. Go to your bathroom mirror and see what happens. You might find it uncomfortable and thoughts might come to mind. Make a conscious effort to do this as often as you can when you see your reflection - even in shop windows.

2) Focus on different things about your body.

Instead of looking at the seemingly ceaseless pimples on your chin like normal, try something different. One way of doing this is to look at yourself in a full length mirror, naked if you feel you can, and describe your body in a completely objective way.

Start at your head and say out loud 'I have blonde hair which comes down to my shoulders. I have an oval face with tanned skin' etc. The point here is to make it objective because it takes away from the usual subjective judgement.

3) Change self-hatred to kindness.

Cheryl Richardson wrote in her book 21 Days to Master Extreme Self-Care (available here) suggests a mirror exercise to do. Every day for a month, every time you look in the mirror, say out loud 'I love you ___ (your name)'. Many who have tried this have found an internal shift happened towards self love, compared to the self hatred that often occurs in front of a mirror.

Another way to introduce kindness is to start thanking your body. If your legs are sore from walking, when you see your legs in a reflection, mentally or verbally thank them for carrying you today. If you find yourself being horrible towards your arms, then thank them for carrying your bag today.

4) Create a supportive mirror!

To help put things into perspective and encourage kindness, stick body image affirmations around your mirror. It is useful to say them out loud several times and allow yourself to feel the feelings that come with them. There are some available at this website, and to include some here:

'I am beautiful'

'I love my body'

'I am thankful for my body'

and

'I accept myself completely'

Keep your awareness of thoughts when looking at your reflection and see if things begin to shift. It is likely that they will as you realise that your body  is primarily there to support you and is only ever doing its best. Journal through this journey so you can look back at how far you have come!

Let me know how you get on in the comments section!

Image source here

6 Myths About Meditation.

Today I signed up for meditation teacher training! So I thought I'd share a little on my blog about six common myths about meditation:

1. 'My mind's just too busy to meditate'
Meditation is perfect for people who can't seem to clear their mind! Not just because advanced meditators might find it easier to clear their mind, but because every human brain is busy, and that is what meditation works with. It is about learning when the mind is going off on track, or off on a tangent, and bringing it back to a centre point. The more you think this happens, the more you have to work with!

2. 'It takes years of practice to reap the benefits'
The most experienced meditators come back to meditation for the benefit it provides day-to-day, rather than an accumulative build up. You can start feeling the benefits during your first meditation - someone who has just started finding their feet in the practice receives many more benefits than a person with the most vast meditating experience who is not practicing.

3. I don't have enough time

This video is proof that you can bring meditation into your life in just two minute bursts if you really feel that's all you have time for! Longer practices can easily be slotted into an adapted routine - you could get up 10 minutes earlier, or you can even do a sleep meditation as you are falling asleep!

4. It's for the religious
The only difference between you and a deeply religious person is your beliefs. The religious person still has the same skeleton, the same bodily functions, probably the same material things. As long as you are able to be aware of your body in some capacity (for instance, being aware of your breath), you can meditate just as rewardingly as someone with religious beliefs!

5. I tried it once and it wasn't for me
How good meditation feels varies hugely between practices. There might have been circumstances which meant you didn't have a great practice - all sorts of things can affect it. I'd advise to keep trying different meditation techniques (different guided meditations or different teachers) until you feel comfortable in the class. Just looking at this article shows that a part of you is intrigued! 

6. I can't sit cross legged
Meditation can be done in any comfortable position - one of my favourite positions is lying down in bed! 

“Meditation is realizing and expanding your inner beauty in every direction.” 

― Amit Ray

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Making Friends with your Inner Child

I'm currently sitting in a cafe writing this blog post. I've just bought a couple of nice things for myself and am having my favourite drink. I love writing in cafes - I even have the atmosphere sounds of a cafe (coffee cups clinking, low level chatter) downloaded onto my iPod for when I need to do work. So you can imagine that right now I feel great. And yes I do.

But why am I doing this? And why do I feel so great when I do this? I believe it is because I am listening to my inner child who loves cafes and fizzy drinks, and nurturing her desires.

So what is an inner child?
Every adult has an inner child - the child part of them which they've brought to adulthood with them from young life. The inner child is the part of you which looks with curious excitement at the cakes in a shop window, or loves the idea of going on the swing in the kids park - it is full of excitement, hopes and dreams and is deeply linked to our creative selves.

The way adulthood differs from childhood is that we have learnt to parent that inner child ourselves. If you're on your way to a restaurant for dinner and you pass cakes in a shop window, your inner parent would kick in and stop you from buying the cakes in that moment.

The issue many adults face is that their inner parent is very controlling of their inner child. This could be as a result of having learnt inner parenting from a controlling parent. These people might ignore that creative longing, not listen to their fun and carefree side, or simply not even hear what their inner child needs.

How can I benefit from knowing this?
The good news is that this can be easily and rewardingly remedied simply by making friends with your inner child. The first step in this would be to connect with him/her. Ways to do this could include:

• Looking at photos of yourself as a child. 

• Talking with family about how you were as a child. 

• Do an inner child guided visualisation (download one here).

• Hold a favourite childhood object.

• Do things your childhood self would have enjoyed.

• Playing in the park (with an actual child or if it is empty!).

• Sucking your thumb. 

• Colouring in.

This can be a painful process, particularly if there were difficult aspects to your childhood. So give yourself time to do this and journal about the way you feel.

How can I really make friends with my inner child?
Then comes giving your inner child the nurturing he or she needs to flourish within your adult self and bring all their wonderful creative aspects to you. Dr Sandy has written about a method to nourish and nurture your inner child, using the acronym CALM:

C - Compassion
When you feel a feeling coming from your inner child, give yourself an affirmation, such as 'it's ok to feel this way' or 'I understand this feeling'.

A - Awareness
Dream big! Create a vision board of things your inner child likes and wants. Spend time discovering these things and congratulate yourself on finding them.

L - Laughter
That deep felt laughter, encourage it! Children love laughing and so do adults - go and see some comedy, watch some on Netflix, hang out with your funniest friend and let yourself laugh.

M - Marvel
Cultivate that childhood feeling of awe by using gratitude. Read more about it in The Magic (buy here). Be grateful for all the things your inner child brings you - your creativity, wisdom, hilarity and inner wisdom, and really feel the gratitude.

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5 ways to keep your relationship spiritually healthy

1. Gratitude

Most couples have been there. Every little thing about your partner is annoying you and no matter what they do it’s hard for them to get back into your good books. You’re feeling grouchy and are struggling to feel that unconditional love for this person.

This is something that can be tackled by a really simple practice. Before bed, as you’re both laying warm and cosy under the covers, think back over the day to all the little things your partner has done for you over the day. It might be something little like taking out the bin or making you a coffee, or sometimes a bigger thing like surprising you or buying you a present.

Then say this gratitude list out loud. ‘Thank you for all the things you’ve done for me today – for making me breakfast, for going for a walk with me…’ and continue until you feel like you’ve expressed ample gratitude. You could make it easier at first by saying three things every day to get into the habit so you don’t find yourself drying up!

This will help your partner to feel appreciated and perhaps more importantly will allow you to appreciate how much your partner does for you every day. It will also help to foster gratitude more in the moment – you might find yourself thinking ‘oh I’ll put that on my gratitude list for later’ and feeling grateful, and it will probably extend to other people and things in your life, leading to more inner contentment and less of a need for more.

2. Meditation

If both of you are willing to, meditation can be lovely to do as a couple. Or if one of you likes meditation and the other doesn’t, the one who doesn’t could just have some quiet time to chill while the other person meditates.

For those who do meditate, it can be hard to incorporate it into a routine. Days can pass before you realise you haven’t meditated for a week or more, so planning it with another person, just as a gym buddy would help someone go to the gym, can really help you meditate. And who better than the person you probably text the most?

Another way is to download a meditation app (such as Headspace) onto your phone, where the meditations are ordered. They also have cool animations to illustrate their concepts, and have kind of ‘quests’ where you get further meditations for doing the first ten. It brings more excitement into meditation and leaves you with lots of inner serenity.

3. Time apart

Now you might be thinking something like ‘hang on, why’s it so important to be focusing on things like meditation where it’s about bringing myself wellness? I feel great when I’m with my partner – why do we have to be doing these things?’

Well, this is a theory which also means spending time apart can be a great idea. You need to focus on yourself. Remember back to that time when you first met your partner? You were probably alone and had probably been doing lots of alone things to maintain your inner sanity. This was the person your partner was attracted to and fell in love with.

When we get together with a partner and spend lots of time with them, often we change our behaviours. We reduce the time we spend doing the things we used to enjoy doing alone – like art, colouring in, writing, whatever floats our creative boat.

This can mean that our best self (our personal self, not including our partner!), is slightly or even severely compromised, and we think and feel differently as a result. We want to be our best selves so that we can enjoy our partner for who they are and they can enjoy us for who we truly are. By spending time apart to do your own thing, you will be more yourselves and there is more of each other for each of you to enjoy spending time with.

4. Boundaries

Telling your partner your hopes, fears and secrets is very healthy. After all, being vulnerable and telling someone about yourself is what brings intimacy. But there is a very important line, or boundary, which can be hard to figure out.

Say you express a worry to your partner; ‘I’m scared we won’t have enough money to pay the rent’. This is a very rational worry, but the rational response would be to plan with the money you do have to ensure you can pay the rent. If you don’t do the planning, the worry will stay.

Say your partner responds: ‘I don’t like it when you worry, I’ll stay with you for the day and we can chill out and watch TV’. Now this is very kind, and you might look forward to the day with them, but it doesn’t lead to a proper solution.

You might find yourself subconsciously not sorting out the problem so that your partner treats you specially like this more often. Then you’ll end up with bigger worries later down the line. Expressing worries for unhealthy reasons, and not dealing with your worries yourself, steps over a boundary which needs to be kept to keep a healthy relationship.

5. Encouragement

Lastly, encouraging each other to focus on your own wellbeing is vital. You’re far more likely to be the best versions of yourselves, and far more likely to foster deep love for each other which will last. The days of friends thinking your boyfriend is ‘bad for you’ will be over as you outwardly radiate inner content and happiness, and you’ll only look forward in your relationship.