3 Things I've Learnt From Working With Kids

You might have noticed that I haven't posted a blog this week! The reason is that I've been waking up before 8am most days, to spend nearly 9 hours surrounded by 5-7 year old children, before going home, falling asleep quickly and starting the cycle again.

It's been exhausting, but so much fun! I only work at the 5-day-a-week camp for 4 days each week, and as it came to my last day I was looking forward to having a day off, but now I have been struck by unexpected FOMO (fear of missing out)! As I sat enjoying my day off, my mind kept wondering to what the kids would be up to, how their Friday talent show went, whether they'd be missing me and lots of reflections which led me to write this blog post!

As much as the kids have learned and developed on camp, I have learnt a lot too. In fact, here's a list of five things I've learnt while running sports and activity sessions for them:

1) There is a child inside all of us.

I handled a situation where 6 children were asked to split into two groups. It seems a simple enough task, but when you're 6 and desperately want to be with your friends, it becomes a trickier task. I watched as 3 of the 4 girls physically clung together, urging the other girl to go over to the boys' team in fear that they would not be the one who had to go over.

The fear in their eyes was almost visible, and reminded me of the fear I have felt and sometimes feel. The type of fear when you arrive onto a bus or coach with friends, only to find that most seats are taken and you have to sit apart for the time-being. Or the fear when you arrive with friends to a bar only to find you've forgotten to bring your ID, and you hope someone will come back home with you.

I think too often, we put ourselves down for feeling fears, even if we choose the right option. Just because one girl eventually chose to leave her desired team, it doesn't mean her fear wasn't real. Her fear made her actions even braver. Our inner child's fears and our adult conquering of these fears show bravery deserving recognition and celebration.

2) The people you surround yourself with really matter.

Children generally can't choose who they surround themselves with. But when they do get to choose, they choose wisely. As two children played Happy Families in my group, I went over to hear them arguing about one of them playing unfairly.

"I've got plenty of other friends I can go and play with", one of them said calmly. I was struck by her maturity in the situation, and that she recognised she was not stuck in this situation. Many adults see themselves as trapped with certain people, but it important to remember we always have a choice. 

3) It's not all about the winning.

Yesterday I ran a group where the kids had to crack a code. They were in two teams and they had two rounds. The first time, the team I was supervising and helping out were all over the place. They hadn't listened to the instructions properly, and as a result they were breaking lots of rules and having lots of arguments with each other about what they should be doing. The other team won the round.

By the time it came to the second round, I decided it was time to give them a prep talk about how they should try to listen to each other, take turns, and delegate (let one person write as another looked for clues). They followed these ideas and as a result, they cracked the code far quicker and encouraged and helped each other.

As it turned out, the other team had also changed their tactics and had cracked the code faster. The other team won again. As one child burst into tears about the loss, I found myself explaining that it's not all about the winning. They had worked together better, cracked the code faster and done a great job. I was so impressed that I considered their improvement a win in itself! 

This got me thinking about how in games and life, our only real progress marker is how well we have done against our past self - how much we have improved and how much effort we have put into improving. There are all types of winning - not just the overall 'win'.

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I'll be working at this camp for 3 more weeks, so I will probably post some more learning updates about my time with the kids, but for now I am signing off to sleep!

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Could you Vow to Tell the Truth Forever?

Would you rather have to tell the truth for the rest of your life, or have to tell lies for the rest of your life? It's considered a tough one. The thought of a life of saying thoughts out loud is usually not one we would choose. But what does it actually mean to tell the truth? Is it that bad?

To start, I'll look at the meaning of honesty. The Cambridge Dictionary (see here), defines to be honest as:

Telling the truth or able to be trusted and not likely to steal, cheat, or lie.

This dictionary also gives examples of someone being honest. The first is:

 "To be brutally honest, you look fat in that dress"

To sum up this definition, it appears that being honest is about:

1. Telling the truth.
2. Not speaking falsely.

So going back to the original proposal, to tell the truth for the rest of your life would mean that if somebody asked you a question directly, you would have to answer truthfully. 

For example:

A friend asks you if you think her dress looks flattering on her. 

Your thoughts:

• I don't think this dress is flattering on her. 
• She will be upset if I tell her that it doesn't look flattering.
• I preferred the other dress she tried on. 
• The dress is a horrible material - I can't see it hanging well on anyone! 

I have put 3 thoughts here, but in every situation when you are asked a question there are probably many thoughts going around in your head. If you are going to answer her honestly, any of these thoughts can be voiced. Just because she asked 'is this dress flattering?', you don't have to answer 'no' if you don't think it is. 

Examples of responses:

• "I preferred that other one!"
• "It's a nice dress, but not my favourite you've tried on"
• "I'm worried you'll get upset, but no - I don't like the material of it - it doesn't hang so well"

These are all truthful and honest responses, and get across the truth in a way which is not unnecessarily hurtful. To take this idea away from clothes, if you want to be honest but are asked a question you don't want to answer, there are many truthful things you can say. For example:

• This is hard for me to answer.
• I'd prefer it if we could talk about this later. 
• I want to help you, but you're asking a difficult thing. 

What's wrong with a little white lie?

Telling the truth allows us to have better connection with other people and ourselves. Allowing people to see our thoughts is an element of being authentic, and allows us to evolve and improve our self esteem. Telling a lie is not only a risk to the other person in the communication, but is a risk to our own personal development. 

To summarise,

Telling the truth doesn't always mean directly answering the question. Stopping to think about how we actually feel in a situation and voicing other thoughts is just as honest and helps us to be authentic. So, next time you're asked 'Would you rather tell the truth for the rest of your life or have to tell lies for the rest of your life?', maybe the sound of telling the truth is no longer as daunting. 

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Four Life-Changing Attitudes We Can Learn From Mandela

Nelson Mandela, 18th July 1918 - 5th December 2013, is a household name around the world, due to his role in the South African anti-apartheid revolution and the ANC, his 27 years in prison and later, his 5 years of presidency in South Africa. He had a wide impact on tackling racism, and is well known for his quote in Long Walk to Freedom (Mandela, available here):

"No none is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite".

In 2014 I was lucky enough to take a trip to Robben Island, Cape Town, where I saw his prison cell. I also watched the film Long Walk to Freedom, which taught me about his values in such a way that when I entered the corridor of his cell, it was a sad but also greatly inspirational experience. This is what I will write about today as a tribute to Mandela Day (the anniversary of his birthday). 

Attitudes which stand out to me when I think about Mandela:

• Prompting change without causing bloodshed
  
  When we look around in the world nowadays, many people are trying to change it. Terrorists, for example, who are trying to make impact by killing people. Mandela realised that violence was not the answer to prompting the changes he and others wanted to see.
  
  Though violence or outburst can be tempting when we feel trapped or angry with how things are, Mandela was mindful of those feelings and tried to find the best way to communicate them for change. This is something that can help us to step back and observe before we act.

• Forgiveness
  
  Mandela was well known for forgiving others. He made friends with wardens, saying that 'courageous people do not fear forgiving', because he recognised that holding resentment towards people is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  
  In other words, holding resentments only harms you and is counterproductive. Being able to forgive frees you to take any actions you need to and live more peacefully.
  
• Faith
  
  A friend of Mandela, Fikile Bam, who was on Robben Island with him for ten years, said (on Mandela - available here):
  
  
  Although he had been sentenced to life imprisonment, he made it clear in all his being, that [it] was unlikely that he would finish all his time in prison ... It was, in fact, a condition of our survival in prison, to believe that we would win. The struggle would be successful in the end. We'd be out of prison during our life time.
  
  

  Faced with life in prison, many might or might feel temptation to give up, in a sense. Believing that you may one day leave and experience freedom is a very faithful belief, which promotes self improvement and improves self esteem. 

  
  

  In The Secret (available here), Rhonda Byrne insists that belief and faith in something you want will make it happen. Mandela definitely didn't read The Secret, but the similar way he chose to think helped him to endure and make the most of being in prison. 
• Kindness
  
  Ex prisoner Fikile Bam also wrote about Mandela's attitude towards prison warders:
  
  
  The one thing I can talk about is that he was always generally very polite courteous to warders. He greeted them, but at the same time, he didn't cow down to any warder at any level. He was just very courteous.
  
  

  We all have people in our lives who try to control us, whether it's to the extreme of a prison guard or not. Being kind to everyone, no matter their behaviour towards us (to an extent), shows a great level of tolerance. This tolerance is a reflection of an inner peace - that we accept and love ourselves unconditionally and are able to accept others in the same way.

Mandela's prison cell when I visited in 2014

Peering into his old prison cell on Robben Island, knowing his attitudes and ways of being, I felt the love and acceptance he felt towards every human there has ever been and will be. He not only helped to reduce racism, but he showed peace and integrity throughout his life that has inspired more change across the globe than he ever knew. 

My favourite powerful Mandela quotes:

• Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
• I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
• It always seems impossible until it's done. 
• The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. 
• If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.

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Keeping Your Life on the Move

A wise woman once told me:

'In every situation you have two choices. You can either change it or accept it.'

This quote is a great guide for me when I feel unhappy in a situation. For instance, with people. If you're finding someone irritating you can either accept the irritation or change the situation, e.g. by trying to spend less time with them. But how do you know when a situation is unacceptable for you?

You may have come across the Serenity Prayer:

It seems simple. Accept what you cannot change and have the courage to change what you can. The issue comes when you find it hard to know when a situation should be accepted or changed - the wisdom part. To make this clearer, I'll use examples:

A situation is unacceptable when:

1. It is illegal
   
   Situation: your boss asks you to work a long shift without a break.
   Choices: accept this (work without a break) or change it.
   Wisdom: this is illegal, and therefore needs to be changed.
   Action: demand a break.
   
2. It puts you in danger
   
   Situation: you drop your phone onto a train line.
   Choices: accept this (accept it is dangerous for you to try to retrieve it and ask for help) or change it (reach onto the track to retrieve it).
   Wisdom: I would be endangering my life to pick this up.
   Action: Ask a train station staff member for help and advice. 

With these examples, it seems easy deciding which action to take (or not take). Sometimes, it isn't so easy to decide what to do. For example:

• Situation: your boss asks you to work late. 
• Choices: accept it (and arrive late to the party you planned to go to) or change it (say no). 
• Wisdom: If I accept, I will be late. If I change this situation, I can go but my boss won't be happy. 
• Action: What's most important to you? Take that action. 

The most important thing is that you take one of those steps, either accepting or changing where you are. A lot of the time, people try to do both. For instance, becoming increasingly frustrated at someone because they're not doing what you want them to do. Accepting could ease that frustration, or acting could mean a change in their behaviour. 

Either way, making a decision helps you to keep moving, rather than getting stuck in cycles of resentment and frustration. And don't forget that accepting a situation is a decision in itself! Ever seen this quote by Einstein?

In terms of making the right or wrong decision (a future blog post on this will happen!), Susan Jeffers wrote a chapter in Feel the Fear and do it Anyway (available here). She says that every decision you make is a no-lose decision. Whichever path you choose will lead you down a path full of opportunities and things to enjoy. So give her chapter a read when you're afraid of making the wrong decision!

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Internet Connection, Cafes and Crack Cocaine

It’s a hot day, I’m sat on an uncomfortable leather seat in a local Caffe Nero, becoming increasingly frustrated that I am unable to connect my laptop to ‘The Cloud’. This isn’t the first time I’ve moved house and been without wifi for over a week, and it isn’t the first time I’ve taken to tracking down wifi in the cafes of where I live. 

Having realised I will go to these lengths to connect up to invisible wavelengths travelling through the sky, I can only think of comparing my actions to those of a drug addict. In drug addictions, you will often hear that people will go to great length to get a fix. For example, 

• Spending large amounts of money
• Travelling great distances
• Isolating themselves

All of these behaviours are risky, and can lead to consequences known and accepted by the addict. Addiction is generally thought to be a form of insanity, where insanity can be defined as:

Very foolish or unreasonable (definition from here)

I consider our world to be largely addicted to the internet. I consider myself to be fairly representative of people of my generation, and know others my age who would agree that, at least after some time of being internet deprived, they would:

1. Spend money to connect.
   
   Think of all of the wifi packages you have bought in hotels when abroad. What would life be without the ability to share a photo of your legs by the pool on Instagram or Snapchat? Not only this, but when I moved into my wifi-less house, I considered paying out to connect to BT Wifi with FON, just to be able to go online.
   
2. Travel distances.
   
   The example of me travelling into town to connect to the wifi in a cafe is how I know I would travel at least some distance to get my ‘fix’ of internet. And in hotels without wifi in the rooms I have often found myself carrying my laptop, as if on some addiction-driven autopilot, to the wifi lounge.
   
3. Isolate themselves.
   
   This one hardly needs explanation. I remember when I became a teenager and got social media. I would spend hours in my bedroom on Bebo, Facebook or Twitter, or chatting to friends on MSN. I spent time away from family, and because of the increased ability to talk to friends online, I also believe I spent less time with them in real life. 

These are all acts which can be foolish or unreasonable. For example, spending money you don't have, can be a step towards causing yourself financial problems, and can be seen as foolish. It is also not the most 

• Have goals 
  
  Know what you want to do before you open up your laptop. This will reduce time and mean you spend less time aimlessly looking at things. If you love to have an aimless wonder, set a time limit for your time online.
  
• Use your phone for communication
  
  Use your phone as a main means of communication - text people, iMessage, use Whatsapp and call people, but try to avoid using the internet browser on your phone if you can. It leaves more room for mindless browsing which can go on for hours.
  
• Find a creative hobby
  
  Have you ever been so busy doing something that you forgot to check your phone or Facebook for hours? These are the best kinds of hobbies. Try something creative like painting, drawing or journalling. You could also try getting a playstation or xbox! Spend time working on your life outside of the internet. It sounds ridiculous but you will see the benefits fast.

So will I be switching off my wifi only to turn it on for contacting people? Probably not. In fact, definitely not. For the time being, my trusty phone will be providing me with cellular data for contacting people and doing the odd bit of (definitely) inessential web browsing. 

Maybe it has become the norm to be a little bit insane, but it doesn't mean you can't take some steps to make sure you have a life off-screen.

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5 Reasons to Follow Book Recommendations

I rarely read books. I don't know if it's because my university course requires quite a bit of reading, or whether it's because I currently have about 10 unfinished books on the go, but actually reading a book from start to finish is something I do about four to five times a year.

It's not that I don't enjoy my style of reading. The feeling I get from finishing a book is especially great when it's a somewhat rare accomplishment. But it got me thinking: what's so special about the books I read to the end? 

I enjoy all types of books, especially thrillers and crime novels, and the books I get halfway through are certainly not bad reads, but the main difference is that books I finish have usually been recommended to me by somebody.

So why? 

Why is it so much easier for me to finish a book that's been recommended to me? Well, I've come up with a few reasons:

1. Accountability
   Being recommended a book gives you some kind of accountability. Once you've told the recommender that you have a copy you intend to read, they are bound to follow up later with some questions about how you're finding it. For people who struggle to finish books, this can be a good way of keeping yourself motivated through the many pages.
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2. Sharing in their passion
   When the recommender tells you about the book, their passion for it will probably show. When I was recommended The Lie Tree (link to buy here), the lady who recommended it at the book shop talked about it with so much passion that I could feel it and see the glow in her eyes. This passion then transferred to me once I had read the book.
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3. Bringing you closer
   When you see someone's passion for something and experience it yourself, it can bring you closer to that person. Reading their recommendation may also lead to you spending more time with them and discussing the book with them, which can bring you closer as well.
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4. Passing it on
   When I had finished The Lie Tree and felt passionate about it, I recommended it onto about 3 other people. If they all read it and passed it onto more people, then it would be read by a lot more people than if the recommender had not shared it with me. It's a snowball effect where the more we follow recommendations and give them, the more the book is read.
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5. People to discuss it with 
   And the more the book is read, the more people you have to discuss the book with. There's nothing better than finishing a great book and having someone you can phone or meet with to have a good chat about it. 

Things to help you follow and give recommendations more:

• Joining a reading group
  There are many reading groups which meet once or twice a month, usually at libraries or similar places. There you can read a book in the knowledge that everyone in the group is reading it, and you have somewhere to discuss it for a dedicated hour!
• Giving away your books
  Instead of letting your finished books build up on your already-overcrowded bookshelf, try passing it on. Carry it in your bag next time you're meeting a friend, and suggest it. If they like the sound of the book you can whip it out of your bag and they can get started straight away!

Of course, this recommendations idea doesn't just apply to books. It also applies to other things like where to go on days out, films to watch, theatre productions, and the list goes on. My recommendation for you readers is The Lie Tree because it's the first book I had read so avidly since I was a young teenage reader! 

I love fiction books - see my writing about how they help recovery on the Biblio website at this link. Let me know how you get on as usual in the comments, shares and likes! 

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