Do you Find Positive People Annoying?

You might've experienced it. You are having a really rough day - your cat threw up on your favourite blanket, you missed the train and tripped over trying to run for it. You finally reach that friend you're having coffee with and hear the inevitable words 'well, on the bright side...'. 

Sometimes, we just want to dwell for a little while on how rubbish we feel. Hearing someone trying to see the positive side just feels inauthentic and misplaced, and it might even feel annoying. Either way, it can drive a gap between you and the person because your feelings seem invalidated. 

But in general, are 'positive people' just really annoying and unable to see the miserable parts of life? Unable to acknowledge that sometimes we just have a bad day? And that it feels rubbish when we do? To look into answering these questions it's important to look at a few things.

Why do I find it so annoying?

Firstly, what do you want from telling this person about how horrible your day so far has been? For many people it's validation. You want them to sit and listen to you and say 'aww, that does sound terrible. Let me get you a cup of tea'.  Maybe not the tea but you get the idea. It's validation you're looking for in that moment. 

And when they look you in the eyes and say 'well, it could be worse!', this feels like the opposite of validation. And it is. Deep down you have built up expectations of what this person will say, and they have totally thwarted them (off topic but thwart is a word I learnt recently and love, so I'm pretty happy to have got it into my writing!).

More generally, how often do you find yourself moaning about things to this positive annoying person you have in mind? You might be surprised to find that it is more often than you think. As Dawn Gluskin writes (here): 

'For somebody trapped in a negative thinking cycle... the optimism, certainty and fearlessness of a positive-thinker can seem unbelievable and, yes, even downright annoying'

What can I do differently?

Remove the expectation.

In order to enjoy this person's company, the only real way to do it is to remove that expectation. And the only way to do this is to learn to validate yourself. 

• Be aware of your feelings.
• Recognise that all of your feelings are natural, temporary and justified. 
• Comfort yourself when you're experiencing difficult feelings - be your own loving friend or parent (see my blog post about your inner parent here).

If you can keep yourself feeling validated, you won't need someone else to do it for you, so you won't find it quite so annoying when someone else doesn't follow your expectations. 

Address your resentments.

If this has been an issue with this particular person for a long time, address your resentments and old anger so that you can focus more when you're with them. One way of doing this is to write an anger letter to them (unsent), explaining what you're angry about. Then rip it up or burn it to represent a release of your feelings of resentment.

Focus on gratitude

You might still find that you feel angry talking to them. Focus on your gratitude towards them and the things they have done and do for you. Usually, someone is doing the best they can - they are trying to help you, and though it can be difficult when they are not validating you, focus on what they are trying to do. Which is to make you feel better, normally. 

Another post will follow about forgiveness and resentments. As always, share and write in the comments if you have any thoughts :)

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