1. Gratitude
Most couples have been there. Every little thing about your partner is annoying you and no matter what they do it’s hard for them to get back into your good books. You’re feeling grouchy and are struggling to feel that unconditional love for this person.
This is something that can be tackled by a really simple practice. Before bed, as you’re both laying warm and cosy under the covers, think back over the day to all the little things your partner has done for you over the day. It might be something little like taking out the bin or making you a coffee, or sometimes a bigger thing like surprising you or buying you a present.
Then say this gratitude list out loud. ‘Thank you for all the things you’ve done for me today – for making me breakfast, for going for a walk with me…’ and continue until you feel like you’ve expressed ample gratitude. You could make it easier at first by saying three things every day to get into the habit so you don’t find yourself drying up!
This will help your partner to feel appreciated and perhaps more importantly will allow you to appreciate how much your partner does for you every day. It will also help to foster gratitude more in the moment – you might find yourself thinking ‘oh I’ll put that on my gratitude list for later’ and feeling grateful, and it will probably extend to other people and things in your life, leading to more inner contentment and less of a need for more.
2. Meditation
If both of you are willing to, meditation can be lovely to do as a couple. Or if one of you likes meditation and the other doesn’t, the one who doesn’t could just have some quiet time to chill while the other person meditates.
For those who do meditate, it can be hard to incorporate it into a routine. Days can pass before you realise you haven’t meditated for a week or more, so planning it with another person, just as a gym buddy would help someone go to the gym, can really help you meditate. And who better than the person you probably text the most?
Another way is to download a meditation app (such as Headspace) onto your phone, where the meditations are ordered. They also have cool animations to illustrate their concepts, and have kind of ‘quests’ where you get further meditations for doing the first ten. It brings more excitement into meditation and leaves you with lots of inner serenity.
3. Time apart
Now you might be thinking something like ‘hang on, why’s it so important to be focusing on things like meditation where it’s about bringing myself wellness? I feel great when I’m with my partner – why do we have to be doing these things?’
Well, this is a theory which also means spending time apart can be a great idea. You need to focus on yourself. Remember back to that time when you first met your partner? You were probably alone and had probably been doing lots of alone things to maintain your inner sanity. This was the person your partner was attracted to and fell in love with.
When we get together with a partner and spend lots of time with them, often we change our behaviours. We reduce the time we spend doing the things we used to enjoy doing alone – like art, colouring in, writing, whatever floats our creative boat.
This can mean that our best self (our personal self, not including our partner!), is slightly or even severely compromised, and we think and feel differently as a result. We want to be our best selves so that we can enjoy our partner for who they are and they can enjoy us for who we truly are. By spending time apart to do your own thing, you will be more yourselves and there is more of each other for each of you to enjoy spending time with.
4. Boundaries
Telling your partner your hopes, fears and secrets is very healthy. After all, being vulnerable and telling someone about yourself is what brings intimacy. But there is a very important line, or boundary, which can be hard to figure out.
Say you express a worry to your partner; ‘I’m scared we won’t have enough money to pay the rent’. This is a very rational worry, but the rational response would be to plan with the money you do have to ensure you can pay the rent. If you don’t do the planning, the worry will stay.
Say your partner responds: ‘I don’t like it when you worry, I’ll stay with you for the day and we can chill out and watch TV’. Now this is very kind, and you might look forward to the day with them, but it doesn’t lead to a proper solution.
You might find yourself subconsciously not sorting out the problem so that your partner treats you specially like this more often. Then you’ll end up with bigger worries later down the line. Expressing worries for unhealthy reasons, and not dealing with your worries yourself, steps over a boundary which needs to be kept to keep a healthy relationship.
5. Encouragement
Lastly, encouraging each other to focus on your own wellbeing is vital. You’re far more likely to be the best versions of yourselves, and far more likely to foster deep love for each other which will last. The days of friends thinking your boyfriend is ‘bad for you’ will be over as you outwardly radiate inner content and happiness, and you’ll only look forward in your relationship.
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