6 Tips for Enjoying the Wait for Payday!

Just to make you all aware, I have published an article on Recovery Warriors about how perfectionists meditate! Full of personal experience and knowledge of the frustrations of trying to close your eyes and stay focused. The link is here!

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It seems that more often than not I find myself waiting for a pay day. No matter how much I try to budget there always seem to be at least a few days where I only have about £1 to spend each day. From social media I gather that this is not uncommon, so here are some tips for when it happens.

1.  Make sure you have enough food.
   
   To be able to have fun, you need to be nourished. Make sure that at the first sign that you might run out of money, food becomes a priority. Stock up on freezer foods and UHT milk if you need to - make sure you will have enough until pay day.
   
   If you are unable to pay for food, and will not have enough to eat, consider asking to borrow from family or friends, or in the worst case scenario, think about going to your local food bank (there is a list here should you need to look for your closest).
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2. Find good company.
   
   If you are struggling to afford things, you might be feeling a bit miserable. Many friends might be on holiday and posting pictures all over social media. It can be nice to get out of the house, off of social media and into a real life friendship with someone you enjoy spending time with.
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3. Go to a park.
   
   The last few days have been really sunny, and in this kind of weather it can be nice to sunbathe in a park. If you want refreshments, you don't have to spend £s - for instance, you can buy a cream soda for 39p and an ice lolly for 60p from a corner shop - that's 99p for refreshment!
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4. Make art.
   
   If you have the materials at home, it can be nice to spend hours creating art. Sometimes when our schedules are busy it is easy to overlook how fun it can be to get out all your painting materials, but being limited in what you can do is a great opportunity.
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5. Write a gratitude list every day.
   
   To keep things in perspective, write out what you are grateful for. If you have a journal, write a gratitude list in it each day to remind you how much fun you have had. It can be easy to get swept up into feeling sad about having no money, so this is a great way to feel positive.
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6. When you do get money, reflect.
   
   Whenever I get money after having a while of going without, I tend to make a small gesture to ground myself and remind myself of the value of having money. For instance, giving to charity, to a homeless person, or to a church. 

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How Life Drawing Can Improve Body Image

When I stepped into my first life drawing class, charcoal at the ready, I definitely felt in awe of the models who could stand completely naked for nearly 2 hours. Afterwards, I felt grateful to them for showing me a different way of seeing my body.

I'm not the only one who's experienced this - researchers have found that attending life drawing classes has a positive effect on body image, especially for women (see link here).

My feelings before entering the class were:

• The female body 'should' be a certain way (the way portrayed in magazines and the media).
• Bodies are to be seen in a critical and comparative way.

During and after one class (and those that followed), I began to see the body differently. 

1. Seeing the body artistically rather than critically
   
   During the class, on viewing the body I was looking at the curves and shapes and how I could transfer them onto the paper in front of me. Whether the model should lose a few inches here or there didn't even come into my mind.
   
   After the class, this view of the body continued as I looked at my own. I began to see it for the shapes and curves which link together to form my silhouette. I began to look at the shadows and highlights and instead of to diets, my mind wondered to how I could represent the way the light falls on my body on paper.
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2. Seeing realistic models
   
   As I said before, I was used to seeing bodies in magazines. I had fears, as many do, that there was something unusual or 'wrong' about my body and the way it was formed. Seeing life models showed me honestly that bodies do come in all shapes and sizes. `
   
   Never once did I feel judgemental about one of the model's bodies, so why would I feel judgemental about my own? Why was I the exception to the rule I had created?
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3. Letting go of the need to be perfect
   
   When the class started, I was really surprised when the man leading the group told us we had 2 minutes for our first few sketches! At a point when I was a bit of a perfectionist, alarm bells rang in my head as I realised I wouldn't be able to do my best drawing.
   
   After just a couple of sketches, I felt able to let go of my panic. A short drawing time allows you to focus on the drawing process rather than the overall result. As a result, I found a love for sketching and creativity in general, and let go of the need to create something perfect. 
   
   Letting go of the need for perfection extended to my body image. I was able to enjoy my body for its functions and processes, rather than for its overall shape or weight, which became very unimportant, especially after a few classes.

After undergoing these processes, after a few classes this was my changed view of the body:

• The body can be seen as a series of artistic lines and shapes, rather than a 'whole' for criticising. 
• All bodies are different and this is perfectly fine, normal and acceptable.

Image from here

A Letter From One Woman to Another

Today on the train I saw a lady closely reading an article entitled 'How to lose belly fat'. So I decided to write her an unsent letter:

To the woman on the train,

I see you reading. Scouring the words to find the secret so many women crave. Your eyes move across the lines of letters and you relate them to parts of you. 

You think about your daily routine: the cup of coffee you have in the morning, the minutes you spend gazing out at the nature in your garden. The time you spend organising your bag before you leave. You wonder if you can cut those things out to run up and down the stairs a few times.

The article encourages you to make a decision to cut out the coffee-making. That hot chocolate before bed can be cut out too. Get up before 6am for best results. I see you open your phone and set an alarm in a moment of motivation, motivated by hatred for the fat on your body.

But the problem is, the words on the page are very limited. They only go as far as 800 or so words, when 1000 more could explain to you so much more. The morning gazing is part of wonder - part of enjoying your surroundings and giving you happiness. 

The sorting of your bag in the morning helps you to have everything you need for the day. The hot chocolate in the evening warms you up, comforts you and soothes your body into a long sleep. That 6am wake up call will cut your sleep short to 7 hours. Your long sleeps help you to be well-rested throughout the day. It will mean an hour less to cuddle your boyfriend.

Before you start making these decisions, think about what you are sacrificing. The feelings and life energy you get from your daily routine are more important than any results you could get from losing inches of belly fat. You are considering taking away from your personality to lose your body weight.

If you treat yourself well and give yourself what you need, and don't sacrifice this for a self-conscious need, you will be happier than the happiness weight loss could give you. If you were at risk of health problems at your weight, perhaps to treat yourself better would mean to change your lifestyle. 

But this also would be in the name of self-love, and looking at you it does not apply even slightly. Especially because you are looking for this advice in a flimsy magazine rather than from a health professional. 

I hope that one day you can realise this; that one day you will simply flick past weight loss articles in magazines. Maybe one day you will see someone else reading an article. Perhaps it will be a woman on a train. 

And perhaps you will realise how far you have come as you find your mind filling up with sadness. Sadness that someone would even consider depriving themselves of their self-loving routine when that is what is so beautiful about them. And that is what gives them their glow - it is nothing to do with their weight. 

All the best
A woman who once read these articles on trains. 

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3 Things I've Learnt From Working With Kids

You might have noticed that I haven't posted a blog this week! The reason is that I've been waking up before 8am most days, to spend nearly 9 hours surrounded by 5-7 year old children, before going home, falling asleep quickly and starting the cycle again.

It's been exhausting, but so much fun! I only work at the 5-day-a-week camp for 4 days each week, and as it came to my last day I was looking forward to having a day off, but now I have been struck by unexpected FOMO (fear of missing out)! As I sat enjoying my day off, my mind kept wondering to what the kids would be up to, how their Friday talent show went, whether they'd be missing me and lots of reflections which led me to write this blog post!

As much as the kids have learned and developed on camp, I have learnt a lot too. In fact, here's a list of five things I've learnt while running sports and activity sessions for them:

1) There is a child inside all of us.

I handled a situation where 6 children were asked to split into two groups. It seems a simple enough task, but when you're 6 and desperately want to be with your friends, it becomes a trickier task. I watched as 3 of the 4 girls physically clung together, urging the other girl to go over to the boys' team in fear that they would not be the one who had to go over.

The fear in their eyes was almost visible, and reminded me of the fear I have felt and sometimes feel. The type of fear when you arrive onto a bus or coach with friends, only to find that most seats are taken and you have to sit apart for the time-being. Or the fear when you arrive with friends to a bar only to find you've forgotten to bring your ID, and you hope someone will come back home with you.

I think too often, we put ourselves down for feeling fears, even if we choose the right option. Just because one girl eventually chose to leave her desired team, it doesn't mean her fear wasn't real. Her fear made her actions even braver. Our inner child's fears and our adult conquering of these fears show bravery deserving recognition and celebration.

2) The people you surround yourself with really matter.

Children generally can't choose who they surround themselves with. But when they do get to choose, they choose wisely. As two children played Happy Families in my group, I went over to hear them arguing about one of them playing unfairly.

"I've got plenty of other friends I can go and play with", one of them said calmly. I was struck by her maturity in the situation, and that she recognised she was not stuck in this situation. Many adults see themselves as trapped with certain people, but it important to remember we always have a choice. 

3) It's not all about the winning.

Yesterday I ran a group where the kids had to crack a code. They were in two teams and they had two rounds. The first time, the team I was supervising and helping out were all over the place. They hadn't listened to the instructions properly, and as a result they were breaking lots of rules and having lots of arguments with each other about what they should be doing. The other team won the round.

By the time it came to the second round, I decided it was time to give them a prep talk about how they should try to listen to each other, take turns, and delegate (let one person write as another looked for clues). They followed these ideas and as a result, they cracked the code far quicker and encouraged and helped each other.

As it turned out, the other team had also changed their tactics and had cracked the code faster. The other team won again. As one child burst into tears about the loss, I found myself explaining that it's not all about the winning. They had worked together better, cracked the code faster and done a great job. I was so impressed that I considered their improvement a win in itself! 

This got me thinking about how in games and life, our only real progress marker is how well we have done against our past self - how much we have improved and how much effort we have put into improving. There are all types of winning - not just the overall 'win'.

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I'll be working at this camp for 3 more weeks, so I will probably post some more learning updates about my time with the kids, but for now I am signing off to sleep!

Image from here

Could you Vow to Tell the Truth Forever?

Would you rather have to tell the truth for the rest of your life, or have to tell lies for the rest of your life? It's considered a tough one. The thought of a life of saying thoughts out loud is usually not one we would choose. But what does it actually mean to tell the truth? Is it that bad?

To start, I'll look at the meaning of honesty. The Cambridge Dictionary (see here), defines to be honest as:

Telling the truth or able to be trusted and not likely to steal, cheat, or lie.

This dictionary also gives examples of someone being honest. The first is:

 "To be brutally honest, you look fat in that dress"

To sum up this definition, it appears that being honest is about:

1. Telling the truth.
2. Not speaking falsely.

So going back to the original proposal, to tell the truth for the rest of your life would mean that if somebody asked you a question directly, you would have to answer truthfully. 

For example:

A friend asks you if you think her dress looks flattering on her. 

Your thoughts:

• I don't think this dress is flattering on her. 
• She will be upset if I tell her that it doesn't look flattering.
• I preferred the other dress she tried on. 
• The dress is a horrible material - I can't see it hanging well on anyone! 

I have put 3 thoughts here, but in every situation when you are asked a question there are probably many thoughts going around in your head. If you are going to answer her honestly, any of these thoughts can be voiced. Just because she asked 'is this dress flattering?', you don't have to answer 'no' if you don't think it is. 

Examples of responses:

• "I preferred that other one!"
• "It's a nice dress, but not my favourite you've tried on"
• "I'm worried you'll get upset, but no - I don't like the material of it - it doesn't hang so well"

These are all truthful and honest responses, and get across the truth in a way which is not unnecessarily hurtful. To take this idea away from clothes, if you want to be honest but are asked a question you don't want to answer, there are many truthful things you can say. For example:

• This is hard for me to answer.
• I'd prefer it if we could talk about this later. 
• I want to help you, but you're asking a difficult thing. 

What's wrong with a little white lie?

Telling the truth allows us to have better connection with other people and ourselves. Allowing people to see our thoughts is an element of being authentic, and allows us to evolve and improve our self esteem. Telling a lie is not only a risk to the other person in the communication, but is a risk to our own personal development. 

To summarise,

Telling the truth doesn't always mean directly answering the question. Stopping to think about how we actually feel in a situation and voicing other thoughts is just as honest and helps us to be authentic. So, next time you're asked 'Would you rather tell the truth for the rest of your life or have to tell lies for the rest of your life?', maybe the sound of telling the truth is no longer as daunting. 

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Four Life-Changing Attitudes We Can Learn From Mandela

Nelson Mandela, 18th July 1918 - 5th December 2013, is a household name around the world, due to his role in the South African anti-apartheid revolution and the ANC, his 27 years in prison and later, his 5 years of presidency in South Africa. He had a wide impact on tackling racism, and is well known for his quote in Long Walk to Freedom (Mandela, available here):

"No none is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite".

In 2014 I was lucky enough to take a trip to Robben Island, Cape Town, where I saw his prison cell. I also watched the film Long Walk to Freedom, which taught me about his values in such a way that when I entered the corridor of his cell, it was a sad but also greatly inspirational experience. This is what I will write about today as a tribute to Mandela Day (the anniversary of his birthday). 

Attitudes which stand out to me when I think about Mandela:

• Prompting change without causing bloodshed
  
  When we look around in the world nowadays, many people are trying to change it. Terrorists, for example, who are trying to make impact by killing people. Mandela realised that violence was not the answer to prompting the changes he and others wanted to see.
  
  Though violence or outburst can be tempting when we feel trapped or angry with how things are, Mandela was mindful of those feelings and tried to find the best way to communicate them for change. This is something that can help us to step back and observe before we act.

• Forgiveness
  
  Mandela was well known for forgiving others. He made friends with wardens, saying that 'courageous people do not fear forgiving', because he recognised that holding resentment towards people is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  
  In other words, holding resentments only harms you and is counterproductive. Being able to forgive frees you to take any actions you need to and live more peacefully.
  
• Faith
  
  A friend of Mandela, Fikile Bam, who was on Robben Island with him for ten years, said (on Mandela - available here):
  
  
  Although he had been sentenced to life imprisonment, he made it clear in all his being, that [it] was unlikely that he would finish all his time in prison ... It was, in fact, a condition of our survival in prison, to believe that we would win. The struggle would be successful in the end. We'd be out of prison during our life time.
  
  

  Faced with life in prison, many might or might feel temptation to give up, in a sense. Believing that you may one day leave and experience freedom is a very faithful belief, which promotes self improvement and improves self esteem. 

  
  

  In The Secret (available here), Rhonda Byrne insists that belief and faith in something you want will make it happen. Mandela definitely didn't read The Secret, but the similar way he chose to think helped him to endure and make the most of being in prison. 
• Kindness
  
  Ex prisoner Fikile Bam also wrote about Mandela's attitude towards prison warders:
  
  
  The one thing I can talk about is that he was always generally very polite courteous to warders. He greeted them, but at the same time, he didn't cow down to any warder at any level. He was just very courteous.
  
  

  We all have people in our lives who try to control us, whether it's to the extreme of a prison guard or not. Being kind to everyone, no matter their behaviour towards us (to an extent), shows a great level of tolerance. This tolerance is a reflection of an inner peace - that we accept and love ourselves unconditionally and are able to accept others in the same way.

Mandela's prison cell when I visited in 2014

Peering into his old prison cell on Robben Island, knowing his attitudes and ways of being, I felt the love and acceptance he felt towards every human there has ever been and will be. He not only helped to reduce racism, but he showed peace and integrity throughout his life that has inspired more change across the globe than he ever knew. 

My favourite powerful Mandela quotes:

• Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
• I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
• It always seems impossible until it's done. 
• The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. 
• If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.

Image from here

Keeping Your Life on the Move

A wise woman once told me:

'In every situation you have two choices. You can either change it or accept it.'

This quote is a great guide for me when I feel unhappy in a situation. For instance, with people. If you're finding someone irritating you can either accept the irritation or change the situation, e.g. by trying to spend less time with them. But how do you know when a situation is unacceptable for you?

You may have come across the Serenity Prayer:

It seems simple. Accept what you cannot change and have the courage to change what you can. The issue comes when you find it hard to know when a situation should be accepted or changed - the wisdom part. To make this clearer, I'll use examples:

A situation is unacceptable when:

1. It is illegal
   
   Situation: your boss asks you to work a long shift without a break.
   Choices: accept this (work without a break) or change it.
   Wisdom: this is illegal, and therefore needs to be changed.
   Action: demand a break.
   
2. It puts you in danger
   
   Situation: you drop your phone onto a train line.
   Choices: accept this (accept it is dangerous for you to try to retrieve it and ask for help) or change it (reach onto the track to retrieve it).
   Wisdom: I would be endangering my life to pick this up.
   Action: Ask a train station staff member for help and advice. 

With these examples, it seems easy deciding which action to take (or not take). Sometimes, it isn't so easy to decide what to do. For example:

• Situation: your boss asks you to work late. 
• Choices: accept it (and arrive late to the party you planned to go to) or change it (say no). 
• Wisdom: If I accept, I will be late. If I change this situation, I can go but my boss won't be happy. 
• Action: What's most important to you? Take that action. 

The most important thing is that you take one of those steps, either accepting or changing where you are. A lot of the time, people try to do both. For instance, becoming increasingly frustrated at someone because they're not doing what you want them to do. Accepting could ease that frustration, or acting could mean a change in their behaviour. 

Either way, making a decision helps you to keep moving, rather than getting stuck in cycles of resentment and frustration. And don't forget that accepting a situation is a decision in itself! Ever seen this quote by Einstein?

In terms of making the right or wrong decision (a future blog post on this will happen!), Susan Jeffers wrote a chapter in Feel the Fear and do it Anyway (available here). She says that every decision you make is a no-lose decision. Whichever path you choose will lead you down a path full of opportunities and things to enjoy. So give her chapter a read when you're afraid of making the wrong decision!

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